Mixed emotions

Someone I know has recently had MCMA identical twin girls. I am genuinely happy for her and her partner for getting through the whole pregnancy and bringing home their bundle of joys.

It became apparent that the hospital’s protocol and procedures has changed around MCMA twins (shortly after our pregnancy) and her treatment was different to mine and Neil’s when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava.

This can only be a positive step in the right direction to plan appropriately for each individual MCMA pregnancy and potentially allow more people to bring home their babies.

Also recently whilst on holiday with Layla and Kayden a woman walked into the leisure area with two identical twin girls (aged 2). She saw our twins and instantly struck up a conversation with us.

She told us that her girls had been MCMA. I obviously told her about Kora and Ava and how they too were MCMA.

It’s very bizarre that in a short space of time both encounters have been with identical twin girls and both were MCMA. Only 50% of these highest risk pregnancies result in the parent(s) leaving the hospital with their babies.

Recently i have been full of mixed emotions and at my vulnerable moments and having had two experiences with identical twin girls.

Although I am happy for the mother and father for bringing home their babies, I have felt an overwhelming grief for Kora and Ava. I suspect this is due to it coming towards their 3rd birthday and the recent anniversary of my mum passing.

I’m probably a little all over the place at the moment with all these emotions churning inside me and probably more so than ever before.

I keep telling myself, something I tell others that grief is a very difficult thing to live with. My tears don’t flow freely over Kora and Ava and I didn’t shed a tear on my mums anniversary and that is OK.

I am probably a little heavier in the heart at the moment and maybe not so engaging and talkative as usual as I muster all my energy into getting through the day and trying my best to be a great mum to all.

I sometimes get caught up in my own thoughts of what if and I wonder what’s and I tell myself that is ok to think this too. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Losing my babies before I got to know their eye colour, hair colour, laugh and smile is the hardest grief I’ve had to deal with.

Grief encompasses many aspects from guilt, doubt, change, sadness and of course the one we tend to forget… love. Sometimes getting through the day and ignoring the overwhelming guilt is my biggest achievement.