Dear Layla and Kayden,
Since you came into our lives, I have often thought of the impact my grief has on your lives. One of the biggest concerns I often think about is what you would think if you read my blogs in your future.
I know that as a mother myself I have never been able to ask my mum for advice, guidance or family information. I started fostering after my mum had died so she wasn’t around for me to ask about her joy, challenges or about raising me and my brother.
My mum had passed away 4 years before I delivered Kora and Ava. I wasn’t able to ask her about her birth, her pregnancies and I wasn’t able to get the cuddle from my mum when Neil and I walked out the hospital leaving Kora and Ava in the morgue.
I often have a little fear that I left it late to have biological children and as my mum and your dad’s mum both died young, I think about you both without me in your future.
I worry that you will read my blog one day and have more questions than answers. More importantly I am petrified that you will read about your biological sisters and misinterpret my love for them and my love for you.
When I look back on my blogs and see the loss, heartache and love written down for all to see, I wonder how easy it would be for you think that you were/are competing with Kora and Ava.
I wonder if these words that have helped me by expressing them and hopefully helped others in reading them, maybe an emotive and upsetting read for you both.
I hope that in the future if you read this blog or any of the others, you will pick out the positives and my positive attitude I try so desperately to portray.
I hope that you will understand my need and desire to help others and to raise awareness on what is such a taboo subject. Maybe if or when you read my blogs you will be surprised that baby loss, miscarriage and infertility was ever a taboo subject!
I hope that what you find in the blogs is the love I have for Kora and Ava and how much hope they gave me and your dad to keep going through the darkest of days.
I hope that you realise you are not a substitute or a replacement. I hope that you see in my blogs just how much you were desired.
I hope that you read the words and they touch your hearts as you embrace the love that your father and I have for you.
I hope that we raise you so well with love and nurture that you will never doubt our love for you even in arguments, boundary setting and misunderstandings.
I hope that you see the love we have for our non biological child/children. I hope that gives you the understanding of how much love was in our family for everyone of you.
I know that we will raise you with unconditional and overwhelming love and that although a piece of our hearts is missing and always will be, I hope you know that our losses made you both so much more appreciated and special.
Layla and Kayden we love you more than there are stars in the sky so please never doubt your place in our hearts.
Love mum and dad. X
Stars in the Sky 