I can’t quite believe that I am sat here typing this on what would have been your third birthdays.
I’m not sure how those three years have passed. I know that because of you both, you made me stronger and showed me a love I never understood before you.
In those three years I started this blog to help myself but more importantly help others. Sometimes I feel that people see the blog and think oh it’s her again talking about her dead babies.
Maybe this is a little unfair or maybe this is the truth. Maybe it’s not said directly to me. Maybe perhaps find friendly ways to voice their opinions or thoughts.
I hope that when I write about you both some people see a broken heart and a grief. Grief that is not always being shared over and over again in the same devastating manner but that they see a grief that has evolved.
A three year grief that for eight months have had a heart that is not only broken but more fulfilled then ever before when we brought home Layla and Kayden.
We are so blessed to have brought our babies home but that doesn’t change the fact that our first babies died. Heartbreakingly, Neil and I only have one side of THAT story to tell.
We have 19 weeks of a pregnancy. 2 scans. 10 days in hospital. 1 labour, 2 births and 1 funeral. We don’t have the three years of milestones that we should have celebrated.
Kora and Ava haven’t meant that we are stuck repeating the same old story. They do not make us look for sympathy from others. I choose to tell their story as it is all I have to tell of them.
I can’t tell you of their first smile, their first word, their eye colour or their other milestones. I can’t share the most joyous of moments because it was taken from us so cruelly.
I can however talk about them with the pride and love that we have for them. I can say their names and live their lives through us. I can use their story to hopefully help others.
I can talk about them with the love and grief I have for them. I should be able to share our experience with both of these emotions.
I should be able to write this blog without shame or fear of others views. I should be able to share this without the worry of people thinking “there she goes again, talking about her dead babies”.
Losing our babies should not be a taboo subject and we should feel ok to share our feelings, experiences and our anniversaries.
It took bravery for me to share our story in a world that isn’t ready to face pregnancy loss or the death of a child. I’m ok with this. I hope that one day, you all will also be ok with it too.
But for now I will celebrate the love and hope that Kora and Ava gave to us. I will celebrate their third birthday with the sadness and happiness that I feel. I will hold our two babies we brought home a little tighter today with thanks to Kora and Ava.
To all of you that have lost babies, it is OK to grief them in the way you want to. It is ok to talk their names or hold them close to your heart. It’s ok for you to tell the one side of the story you have to tell.
For all of those that do not know the pain of losing a baby or for those that watch the heart break with no understanding of the cause please allow them to grieve.
Please be kind and careful with your views and opinions. Please don’t walk in their shoes if you have never had to wear them. Please be mindful that the memories they choose to share are the ONLY memories they have.
Happy 3rd birthday Kora and Ava, our stars in the sky.
Stars in the Sky 