Overwhelming Emotions

After our first Christmas when we enter the dark days and nights of January and life becomes a little less hectic, there is time to reflect.

Christmas didn’t go as I had imagined in my head and wasn’t as special as I had anticipated due to numerous reasons. However there were still some magical moments and wonderful memories created.

I have found that often I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mum I can be and sometimes I set the bar to high and feel like I’m letting down all of my children.

Bring a parent is the hardest job in the world and to have it unappreciated and undervalued is heartbreaking. My professional job can be very difficult and often fraught with vicarious trauma but nothing is as difficult as being mum.

I often struggle with the balance of being mum, being me and being human. I think this might be due to all the expectations I put on myself with my main role as mum.

I have struggled with tiredness and have sought help in relation to anxiety. I wasn’t sure whether to talk about this openly but I’m hoping that it might help others too.

I consider myself an educated and emotionally intelligent woman. I understand my feelings and can rationalise them. However I can’t control the initial thoughts or fear that intrudes subconsciously.

I have read that intrusive thoughts are common and that they are not talked about much so I’m hoping by being open and honest I may help others not so confident to speak up.

I know that the trauma of the birth and the separation of the twins probably heightened my anxiety and the death of Kora and Ava have always affected my anxiety throughout subsequent pregnancies and bringing Layla and Kayden home.

I sometimes find my eyes full of tears and my chest a little tight when I look at our babies with that realisation that we brought them home and my heart fills with so much love.

I find myself looking at them and becoming completely overwhelmed that they are in fact here and so perfect. As a child I use to tell my own father that I would have twins and with everything Neil and I went through I sometimes have to pinch myself to know they are real.

It still feels strange to finally hear society, friends and family refer to me as mummy (even if I have been a mum for years). My heart flutters a little when I look at these two small humans who depend on us solely to meet their needs.

The way they look at us, how they reach out their arms to be engulfed by us or fall into our chests for some affection is the most incredible moment. A little fear creeps inside of me that there will come a day when they don’t look at me this way.

I love how they smile and laugh at us all the time. They are very happy babies and their laughter brightens up our day. I guess there will be a day when we are not the funniest people in their world. I just hope and wish that their world is still incredibly happy for them.

From being an experienced mum, I know that these days will come. I just hope that when it does come they appreciate the love and nurture that we have given to them and the look still holds love and respect in their eyes.

I hope that one day they get to be parents themselves (without our loss and struggles) and then the reality hits them of what it actually means and just how much we have and are trying our best.

I have always said you only get one mum and I know that my own relationship with my mum was challenging at times. The truth is some people are lucky enough to get more than one mum (one biological and one not). What I’ve learnt is that I wish I could thank my mum for trying her best (even if my mothering is very different, intentionally).

Since the babies birth I have always worried about them. I have woken consistently through the night and placed my hand on their chest to check it is rising and falling. I have woken in a panic and had to look over into their crib to relief my fears.

Although I have had anxiety around them I have tried my best not to let it intrude on their lives. I have happily passed them to anyone to hold and although they were born in a pandemic I have not allowed this to affect them.

As a mum I undertake all the usual roles. When I wake to the babies because they want some bottle, I check my phone to ensure my teenager is home from work and in bed. I know that worry doesn’t stop when they become an adult!

However this is a very different worry. They are not old enough to look after themselves or regulate their emotions. They can’t communicate their needs verbally. They are completely dependent.

I am good at controlling the worry and anxiety in physical situations and when it arises. What I can’t help or control is the initial intrusive thoughts, some of which are harrowing.

I might wake from a dream that one of the babies is blue or being taken away. I sometimes ride along in the car and and panic overtakes as my mind imagines another car hurtling into us when the babies are in their car seats.

I might be driving myself alone and worry that I will have a fatal crash and after all we did to bring them home, I won’t get to see them grow.

Thoughts of being terminally ill enter my head and tears fill my eyes as the fear of not being there seems so real at that time.

This is just a snapshot of some of the thoughts and feelings that happen and although I am very good at rationalising them, they have still disturbed my day.

Ultimately what I want is for the thoughts to not even enter my head but I’m unsure how to control this when it’s from the subconscious.

I was very aware of how I was feeling and spoke to the health visitor to check if this was normal for a new mum (to newborns) to have this anxiety and fear.

She referred me to a counselling service. If I’m honest I’m not sure it will do any good as like I said I am more than aware of cognitive behaviour and do logically deal with the intrusive thoughts.

However, she believes that my anxiety is more than most new mums due to the traumas we have been through and she was hopeful that talking through those might support me.

I am happy to undertake this as ultimately I don’t want any of my feelings or anxieties to impact on the babies and seeing as it’s fear around THEM I guess it could.

What I do know though, is that they are two very smiley happy babies and whatever goes on in my mind their world is a very happy and safe one and I know that Neil and I have achieved that.