Bad mum!

No matter whether you are a biological, non biological or bereaved mum, we all have those times and days when we feel like a bad mum. I know dads feel like this too but I am writing from my own perspective so will be talking as mum.

Sometimes we can’t do right for doing wrong with society and the judgments of the world. Working mum not being there for her children, stay at home mum watching daytime tv etc etc.

Yet despite anyones viewpoint or perception of myself as a mum, you will never get a harsher critic than that of myself!

As a bereaved mum I can’t tell you enough how much these babies were wanted and are loved. I hope that if they ever grow old enough to read the blogs they will know this without questioning it.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have days when I am simply dragging myself to the end of the day! Days when I give a massive sigh of relief that they are down for the night, safe and I am free for a while.

Days when I feel so lonely or helpless. Days when I’m not sure how I’m going to make it to bedtime.

It is this fact that makes me feel like the worst mum! When the day has been challenging and I feel like they have cried more than they have laughed and I have wanted to cry myself! I cringe and feel disappointed in myself for wishing the time away to bed time.

As a mum who went through so much to bring these babies home and as a mum who didn’t get to bring Kora and Ava home, I hate myself for even wishing one minute away with Layla and Kayden.

I know there are woman that would exchange everything to have their own babies and I see their posts and hear their voices and this is the overwhelming guilt that strikes at me!

Yet I know as a mum to two one year olds it’s ok for me to have a bad day or two or thousands! It’s ok to want bedtime to come around! I know I am not the only mum to think or feel this.

After numerous no don’t touch that, be careful, stay away from the fire guard, no it’s hot…then suddenly floods of tears as Kayden lays flat on the floor under the heavy iron fire guard!

After hundreds of times saying pat pat the dog or cat, open hand, gentle hand, no don’t pull their ears or tail, come on let’s move away…then floods of tears as either Layla or Kayden has been bitten by the cat who has just had enough!

After copious amount of times of saying no don’t pull her hair, no don’t push her, no don’t hit his face, no don’t pull him back with his clothes…then floods of tears as one of them has been pushed to the floor and smacked their head!

After numerous times of saying no don’t blow raspberries at me with a mouth full of food Layla, no Layla keep the dinner protector on, no Kayden don’t throw food on the floor, no Kayden don’t rub the food on the floor, both of you just stop feeding the dog!

After rescuing Kayden’s foot out of the cat flap or picking up the laundry now in the garden after he has put it through the cat flap. Or trying to grab his legs as I catch him crawling through the cat flap head first!

I hear you ask where were you that you didn’t know he was crawling through the cat flap? The answer is that I was preparing their lunch when Layla decided to firstly try and eat the dog food and secondly crawl up the stairs!

A simple answer might be the stair gate yet this causes melt downs on a epic scale as for the past few months we have done nothing but encourage them to crawl, step, move and use the furniture and now we put the stair gate across the doors and stairs to stop them doing what we had been encouraging!

The same stair gate that traps me and slows me down when I have to run round to the back door to stop Kayden crawling out the cat flap head first, again for the umpteenth time that day!

Yesterday when they had an absolute melt down for the third time, this one because I moved away and left them playing, I shut the sliding doors and just banged my head against them!

When I opened the doors both babies were sat there tears in their eyes desperate for a mum hug! So of course I obliged…who wouldn’t!

I too as a grown adult wanted to sit on the floor and cry my eyes out! At the point Neil rang me to ask me if everything was ok they were both crying and screaming the house down! I can’t repeat the words I said to him but I can tell you that they contained a word starting with F and ending in K!

I literally counted down the minutes to their bedtime yesterday and although I was there emotionally and physically for them and I met every need no matter how challenging I found it, I felt the worst mum in the world!

I guess I’m writing this because I want others to know that regardless of your situation and how lucky you feel to have those beautiful babies in your arms, it’s ok to have bad days!

I know that even though yesterday was a bad day and one that was seemed filled with more tears than laughter, nothing compares to holding them in my arms.

Not even when I need ear defenders with the screeching that comes out! Being mum and being blessed with that privilege makes me pull every ounce of myself into them.

The guilt will fade and I’m sure there will be many more days to come when I feel I don’t meet the grade or I wish for bedtime to come a little faster.

Yet everyday I am honoured to love, embrace and live with the two most amazing humans that are blossoming into incredible little people with their own minds!