Quiet Days

Life can sometimes be so very busy with Layla and Kayden. Often I’m caught up in my own thoughts wondering whether I am doing a good job as mum.

As they grow and develop everyday brings new challenges and most days feel like a blur or whirlwind of mayhem with our two little active hurricanes!

Therefore, I may not be able to take time out to write a blog or reflect on any feelings and emotions as often as I did.

It is on these quiet days that I want the world to know that I have not forgotten the pain and heartache of our losses.

I have not forgotten any tiny detail of Kora and Ava, from the pregnancy to the birth to the funeral. They are always in my thoughts.

They are probably in my thoughts more often than ever before (if that is even possible) because of Layla and Kayden.

As I watch them grow and develop and discover so much about the two most precious humans in my life, I can’t help but wonder if Kora and Ava would have been similar in ways.

I wonder how we would have distinguished them apart and just how identical they would have looked as they developed.

I wonder what would have been their first words and who would have talked first. I think about who they would have looked like. I wonder what their giggles would have sounded like.

I often think about how happy Layla and Kayden are and how our house is so often full of laughter and I wonder if they too would have been so full of giggles.

It’s been four years since I delivered you both on this day. Some of the experiences feel so vivid still and other parts have been pushed to the back of mind as they are just too painful.

Having Layla and Kayden home safe and watching them grow and develop is a privilege and a blessing.

It doesn’t make not bringing Kora and Ava home any easier but I find that even on the hardest and most challenging of days I think how special they are and how blessed we are and I find an inner strength.

When a sadness overwhelms me or my eyes fill with tears, Layla and/or Kayden will do something sweet, innocent or hilarious and pull me from the depths of my grief.

When they reach a new milestone or development my thoughts may slip for a moment to wondering about Kora and Ava but in that quick moment of time I want to embrace Layla’s and Kayden’s achievements and enjoy this moment so much.

We know what it is like not to have the opportunity to fulfil those moments or build those memories. We know a heartache that others may never understand or experience.

We know how our lives have been enriched so greatly by Layla and Kayden. We know that we are the luckiest people in the world to have them.

They are the reason I respond to statements such as ‘you have your hands full’ with ‘and our hearts’ or ‘double trouble’ with ‘double the blessing’

I can’t express with words the overwhelming feeling of fortune that we feel on a daily basis. I have never felt a greater love than that of having today and the next day and the next day with the best humans in the world.

After five pregnancies and 6 losses, after hearing repeatedly I’m sorry there is no heartbeats, we cherish every moment with Layla and Kayden.

On those days when I don’t shout about the pain of our losses or when I don’t say your names Kora and Ava, I want the world to know that you gave us hope and a strength we never knew we had.

You are the reason we kept going even if at times we felt like we should stop. You are the reason we married, knowing that we could face anything if we stood side by side next to your little white coffin and still found the strength to carry on.

You have taught us a different love and patience that we wouldn’t have if we hadn’t had to leave the hospital while you both laid in the morgue.

It’s because of you both that I feel like I am a better person (although human and still winging the parenting stuff – and getting it wrong)!

You made me realise what is important in life from your death. You may never have had the opportunity to take a breath but you are every breath I take and every ounce of the love I pour into my family.

I may have only held you in my hands for a while but I will hold you in my heart forever.

Love you more than there are stars in the sky, mum x