Title of mum

I like to write openly and honestly in the hopes that another mum, dad or parental figure might read my blog and resonant with a feeling that they are not alone.

I hope that one day my honesty in these blogs will help Layla and Kayden if they become parents as I know as their mum I wish that I had my mum to fall to, on days like these.

Days when I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I don’t deserve the title of mum. A guilt that is so deep when all I’ve ever wanted was to bring my biological children home.

Layla and Kayden are 14 months old now and throughout their lives I have been asked questions such as are they good babies or are easy?

I have also had people make statements to me such as the newborn stage is easy you wait till they grow up.

I can honestly say that I have found ever stage so far extremely challenging. Let me be clear that this is not about the beautiful babies in front of me but rather the job in hand and my life and support network.

I don’t know many mothers who have gone back to work when their babies were 4 weeks old. I don’t know many mothers who have gone back to work (in their home) and continued to care for their babies and a work their professional job at the same time.

I know mothers who have had maternity leave and their children go to nursery or to grandparents once or twice a week. I know mothers that have been fortunate enough to stay at home as a full time mum while their partner works.

When they were newborn I remember being in a sleep deprived state of feeding, nappies and sleeping on repeat and twice for all of it.

Now they are older we still have the sleep deprived state as Kayden doesn’t sleep through the night and of course we still have double the feeding and nappies.

At this age though we can add other developmental stages such as separation anxiety and in particular with twins the need for the main care givers attention.

Yesterday morning as I tried to settle them down for their much needed morning nap, Layla was upset. She had been a little upset all morning and quick to cry or become unsettled.

She could be feeling off colour, she could be teething, it could be the heat, it could be over tiredness. We all know that showing her upset is the only way she can communicate she is in need of something.

When it came to settling them down Layla began to cry and didn’t want to lay in her cot. She is usually the baby that settles more easily and can be left in the cot whilst self soothing.

Kayden is the baby that needs more soothing by mum or dad and doesn’t fall asleep as easily on his own unless he is exhausted.

At present both babies are fighting each other for my attention and one to one time or to be in my arms. When you have two babies at exactly the same age it is very challenging to make one or both of them understand the situation. They are both at the same developmental stages.

So when Layla needed more of my attention this morning to settle it changed our usual dynamics and routine and become a crying and screaming frenzy.

I only have one pair of arms and I couldn’t meet both their needs at the same time. I was already struggling personally due to relationship disagreements with my husband (linked to becoming parents and sharing the load of it all and more).

I guess I wasn’t in the best place myself and before I knew it or could contain myself, I heard myself scream and shout with a possible swear word saying please just shut up!!!

This of course added fuel to the fire because I upset the babies further! I sobbed and looked at myself in the mirror and chastised myself for even being given the title of Mum.

The guilt of wanting to be a mum and with everything we have been through to become parents to biological children can be a cruel aspect to juggle when struggling with being mum!

Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be their mum and always have wanted this. I guess I naively thought that being mum would be a little easier when you wanted it so badly.

I never anticipated the continuous fear and upset in my own self worth that I am not always the best mum at all times. I do really want to be the best mum always to them but I know I am also human as well as mum.

This means that I will make many mistakes and face lots of challenges as I learn. I just wish my learning didn’t impact on their happiness.

I hope that when they are older and maybe have children of their own they will forgive me for the times I am human and not at my best. I hope that they will look back on their childhood with love and laughter.

I hope that they truly believe I deserve the title of Mum and are proud to call me that. I hope that on my bad days I find a little more patience or a new technique. I hope that one day I might be a little kinder to myself too.