I know I write blogs where I am honest about how difficult and challenging it can be raising the babies and I like the raw honesty I portray at times.
However, in amongst the mayhem and exhaustion there are moments that happen daily! Moments that I fear will disappear as they grow and I will look back and wish for that moment in time again.
I am writing this blog because it comes from the grassroots of why I write! The painful and heartbreaking journey Neil and I took to bring theses two home. The reason that no matter how hard the day has been I know just how very fortunate we are!
At the end of the day when the babies are put down to sleep, I look back on the day and wonder where it went and how we got through it.
I look at the carnage that was once a clean and tidy home that now looks like I invited a farm full of animals to stay for two weeks.
As I pick up the toys for the umpteenth time and step on yet another toy left lying around, I think about how short lived these days really are.
Some of my friends have children that are leaving school this week or starting a college trial day. In a blink of an eye their children became young adults starting their own life choices!
I think about the open mouthed wet kisses from our beautiful girl and boy and I know that there will come a time when they don’t longingly lean in for that wet kiss anymore.
I think about how I moan about the separation anxiety and how they both cling to me crying wanting nothing more than to be in my arms and I know there will come a time when I will want this more than them.
I think about how I feel like a broken record constantly putting in boundaries and repeating No with positive reinforcement of the actions I do want to see.
I think about just how tiring and monotonous it feels to repeat the same statements over and over again about not biting or pulling hair. Then I tell myself that in the not so distant future I will be looking at two young adults that blossom kindness, empathy and understanding.
I think about how when they are crying because they hurt themselves that there will come a day when I won’t be able to swoop them up in my arms and kiss everything better.
I realise that one day a kiss from mum or dad won’t be enough when they face the challenges that their lives and the world throw at them.
I think about how I sigh when I all I want is to sit down and drink that hot cuppa tea when two little hands reach for mine to walk up and down the same length of the living space over and over again!
I stop and think how this won’t last long before they are both walking independently without reaching for my hands. I think how I will be longing for that tiny hand and big eyes to look up for me to help.
I think about the giggles. The endless giggles at who knows what! They found something funny and Neil and I can’t always work out what but they have this carefree laughter.
I think about how one day that laughter will become less often as they face the day to day routine. I think about how the dog having a roll around in the grass in a funny five minutes won’t be followed by two little giggles.
Through the exhaustion, the aches in my body, the mouth ulcers from being run down and the haze that most days happen, I think and know just how fortunate I am.
I secretly cry when I think of them growing up. Not because I don’t want them to grow and develop and become their own people but because I don’t know who I am without them anymore.
They are every ounce of my being and every breath I take. They are my purpose and my unconditional love. They are our miracles and I can no longer think about what we did before them or a life where they are adults.
When you hear me take a sharp breath in or you see my exhausted state then please know if I sound or look unhappy, I am far from that.
I might break down in tears with fear that I am not good enough or I may doubt every aspect of the day or chastise myself for things I believe are in error or wrong but I am whole heartedly proud to be called their mum!
Stars in the Sky 