A place in my heart

I have always written when it’s baby loss awareness and the wave of light time. However this year I found it really difficult to want to write or to find the words.

I have always said that grief doesn’t heal with time. I think we learnt to carry on in the new world we find ourselves in. I believe from that day fundamentally everything changes and we negotiate our way through our new lives.

For Neil and me that was a life without Kora and Ava. A life where suddenly we were the parents who didn’t bring their babies home.

This year during baby loss awareness week, we are sleep deprived parents who have not had one night uninterrupted sleep for 18 months!

When I was sat in the nursing chair with Kayden late at night, feeding him a bottle I kissed his head as I always do. I put my nose on his hair and breathed in his beautiful clean baby scent.

My eyes also fixed across the room where I looked longingly at Layla curled up in her cot so peaceful and beautiful.

I couldn’t help but feel 18 months down the line that we are still the luckiest people in the world.

My thoughts always wander to Kora and Ava. I can’t help that grieve process and when sat in the nursery that we have decorated twice a year escapes.

It rolls down my cheek before I even realise it. It escapes with a mix of emotions from pure love for what we have and what we lost to unanswered questions of what might have been.

I grapple with my thoughts as I would never give up sitting in the nursery at whatever time of the night being with our beautiful twins. I can’t imagine our lives without them.

I’m left wondering if losing Kora and Ava gave us the best gift we could ever have. A strong relationship with a beautiful family.

Would we be here now with Layla and Kayden if we hadn’t lost Kora and Ava? It is this question that haunts me when alone in the nursery.

The babies we hold in our arms, the ones we got to bring home. The ones I can’t imagine living without ever.

I quietly thank Kora and Ava for giving me strength and hope I never knew I had. I love to imagine a world where we brought you all home but it wasn’t to be.

I think it’s so important to have a week of awareness and paramount for the change that is needed but I also know I don’t need a day or week to remember you.

You are in my thoughts always and you will always have a place in my heart. We love you more than there are stars in the sky. Sleep tight Kora and Ava love mum x