The most wonderful time of the year!

Today it is the due date of Kora and Ava. They would have been 4 years old. It was to be a c section as it was the highest risk pregnancy. However at 5 months pregnant i delivered them naturally but dead.

Having a due date on top of Christmas and grieving a mum who was mad about Christmas can sometimes make this time of year not so wonderful.

Lots of people struggle at this time of year and it’s not always the best time for all but in fact can be a very difficult time to endure.

I have been a little teary recently with overwhelming grief. A little because of Kora and Ava and the what ifs and I wonders but mostly because I think about what my mum is missing with Layla and Kayden.

Grieving Kora and Ava has changed so much since bringing Layla and Kayden home. I don’t have so much time to write as I did before but that doesn’t mean they aren’t in my thoughts everyday.

This year Layla & Kayden have more understanding of Christmas. They both say lights and point at all the fairy lights. If you ask them what Santa does the both place their hands on their belly and Kayden attempts to ho ho ho.

It has made this run up to Christmas so much more special. The excitement, the new experiences, the learning and development. It’s been truly magical to be a part of that. It is most definitely the MOST wonderful time of the year.

But my heart still aches for everything my mum is missing out on and everything I am missing out on with Kora and Ava.

It is my mum that is pulling at heart strings more than anything though as I am the luckiest woman in the world to have Layla and Kayden.

They bring laughter and joy to everyday and are so very special. Words can’t describe how grateful I am to get to experience Christmas with these two.

I know my mum would have been here all the time and would have been like a kid at Christmas herself.

It’s a strange and difficult time of year at times this year with the due date and missing my mum but with the joy of the twins.

I don’t think I’ve ever known such mixed emotions over Christmas. One minute I’m laughing at the crazy two the next I’m wiping a tear from my eye with the if onlys.

All I know for sure is that losing Kora and Ava and my mum has made me appreciate these two crazy, happy and beautiful children more than ever!

They make my heart dance and give me more than I believe I could ever give them. They are the reason I breath. They are the magic in my Christmas and the wonder in this time of year.