Time heals all wounds

Wednesday it is five years to the day that we were told your heart beats had stopped! I can’t quite believe it’s been five years! Sometimes it feels as raw today as it did that day and other days my mind doesn’t recall so much.

I always I remember that Neil and I had attended Goodwood (picture below). I was 16 weeks pregnant and on that day when conversation flowed about the twins and our pregnancy, I felt different.

My smell had decreased in sense and I wasn’t so hungry. I couldn’t feel the butterflies I had felt before in my stomach. This was my first pregnancy though and I naively thought nothing of it.

This weekend Neil and I attended Goodwood again for the first time in a few years. This year we took with us Layla and Kayden our beautiful twins!

I didn’t stop to think about Kora or Ava once. Instead my day was filled with love and laughter. On a day that was a complete wash out and would have usually left me feeling really deflated, I was actually uplifted.

Our beautiful twins literally danced in the rain and were full of life! They didn’t care how hard the rain fell or if the races were cancelled. They just lapped up every minute in their positive happy manner!

It wasn’t until the night after when Neil and I sat down to watch a series we had been watching that my mind was triggered. In this series they kept playing a song, Let it be, by The Beatles. It was the song we chose for Kora and Ava’s funeral.

Before I knew it tears were falling down my cheeks and I realised that I hadn’t thought about Kora and Ava at Goodwood. I had only thought about Layla and Kayden all day.

Today, I watched them play so sweetly together (this is not always the case) and I wondered if they were truly happy! I know most loved and nurtured two year olds are happy but are they truly happy. After being given the opportunity to be their mum am I doing it as well as they deserve.

The past five years have gone by so quickly and in particular the last two years of having Layla and Kayden. Everyday I sit and regret that maybe I didn’t kiss them enough or hug them enough. Maybe the moments are passing by too quickly and before I know it we will be taking them to school.

Tonight I took Layla up to her cot to stay with her till she feel asleep and as I sat on the floor beside her bed exhausted from a 10 hour day at work whilst also being mum (working from home) more tears escaped.

I sat and thought quietly how truly lucky I am to hold her little hand in mine every night. When she can’t fall asleep and she sits up in her bed and says “hug” so sweetly and I get to embrace her tightly till she is ready to try again!

To then come downstairs absolutely exhausted and wanting to eat dinner or at least stop my stomach from growling with hunger only to do it all over again with my little boy, to hold his hand and tickle him gently till he falls asleep laying perfectly in my curves, till his tiny body becomes heavy and his mouth drops open to catch flies.

They say that time heals all wounds and for a moment I thought that maybe that was true then I realised that is not the case at all. Sometimes our minds have to protect us, it’s a survival instinct. We can block out the cruelest most painful moments we suffer to carry on.

At the moments I least expect it and a whole five years on tears still roll down my cheeks. The ache in my heart is still as raw. The what ifs and I wonders still play around in my mind and at poignant moments!

The empty space in my heart is still there. It is not time that has healed it nor will it ever be time that heals. My mind might protect me at times but what really helps is of course the unconditional and pure love of Layla and Kayden.

They have taught me to open my mind and heart to what others may feel are insignificant, disappointing or unimportant moments. They fill our days with joy, genuine laughter and immeasurable love.