Crawling under the duvet

One day last week I had been awake with the twins for about an hour before it was all too much and I literally removed myself by going upstairs and crawling under the duvet.

Just before this I had failed miserably as a good mum and had screamed at the twins whilst stating I wanted to punch their lights out!

Of course I wouldn’t ever hurt them hence why I removed myself from the situation. However, the fact that two most precious and wanted human beings who so innocently are navigating the world and their emotions can make my blood boil is hard to comprehend.

To be honest it wasn’t even them they were probably just the straw that broke the camels back! It’s not till I talk to others that I realise just how much Neil and I do on our own.

I work 80+ hours a week all based at home with my children in and out most of the day. However recently they are going through a stage where mama has to do everything and they don’t want to leave me.

This has been on going now for a few months and is very hard to navigate. Neil is not allowed to change nappies, change clothes, push the pushchair, get the food, or anything really!

I’ve come to realise that unlike others we have very little respite from our children. We don’t have our own mothers as they have both passed.

They don’t go to Nursery as being self employed parents the wage Neil would earn would be about £20 a day after tax, national insurance and nursery fees.

They are now at an age where they understand that I work. In fact Layla gets her toy laptop out and tells me to shhh because she is working!

I can’t tell you how many times I question if what we are doing is right for them! If Neil worked we would wouldn’t be guaranteed a regular income and it wouldn’t be what I can earn. Yet when they say to me Mama no work it breaks my heart!

We thought as I work from home and will be around all the time it might be easier on them and it would be nice for Neil as if he worked he just wouldn’t see them.

Yet, the guilt I feel is sometimes smothering! This time of year is always worse as I think about my mum a lot as the anniversary of her death approaches. It’s also baby loss awareness in October and that still shakes my whole world.

It’s difficult to know if it’s the overwhelming grieve that is making me feel less patient or if it’s this guilt that eats away at me every single minute of the day!

Maybe it’s the fact my battery is completely deflated right now and my energy levels are so low. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it.

I don’t know how many times lately I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call my mum! I doubt she would even say the right thing but she might make me laugh and laughter is good for the soul!

I sometimes feel I don’t have the right to complain when things are tough when we worked so hard to bring the two most beautiful humans in the world to our home!

Worst still I feel awful for shouting at these perfect tiny humans who don’t understand the stress of the world as an adult and why should they! I let that stress out and I hate that it affects the people it really shouldn’t!

I wept uncontrollably into the pillow feeling awful as a mum and very sorry for myself!

It’s on days like these that the grieve and guilt is all too consuming. It’s on days like these that I tell myself the stars shine a little brighter because you (Kora and Ava) shine so bright that we can see through the tough days!

You remind me just how much hope you gave us and just how truly lucky we are to have Layla and Kayden. I just hope I can be a little gentle on myself and remind myself that, Neil and I are human.

I also hope that I can improve as a mum and learn strategies to cope a little better when things are too stressful and overwhelming.

Layla & Kayden are so impressionable at the moment and I hope I teach them useful skills, I hope I teach them resilience, kindness and love. I hope that on the bad days I can be excused as a human being and a mother!

I hope that I can be a better person for them. I hope that one day when/if they are lucky enough to be parents they will take the best parts of my parenting and learn from the worst parts!

I’m so sorry for my bad days and I hope you can forgive me when you grow wiser to the world.