Imposter

Being a mum brings so many challenges that I never anticipated. I have not had a problem with being selfless and giving everything to my family but I do constantly struggle with my worth and value.

I have always struggled with this for many years in all areas whether it’s personal or professional.

I trained for over 8 years to be a sign language interpreter and even when I am complimented on my skills, ability and patience I often can’t see it myself. I also find fitting in with teams of interpreters terrifying. I always think I am not genuinely liked!

It doesn’t stop at this either I never look in a mirror and feel content with how I look. I can often change outfits three to four times in a day and would never leave the house without make up on.

I guess after being married previously and being told constantly that no one really likes you or that people don’t answer their phone to you because they don’t actually like you, you start to believe it.

So when people comment on others posts or write a beautiful birthday message to a mutual friend you wonder why you weren’t worth a few minutes of their time. It feeds the trauma mind and the cycle starts again.

I guess I have always felt like an imposter in so many circumstances and throughout so many aspects of my life.

However all of this is just circumstantial in comparison to being mum and the doubts that niggle away in my head everyday.

Our twins are coming up for three years old and I think every stage we have hit has been incredible and difficult.

Whether it’s newborn sleep deprivation or two years 10 months of interrupted sleep without a night of sleeping through!

Being a biological mum to babies we actually brought home has been life altering. It’s 3am in the morning and I woke just before they did. I lay in bed waiting for them to stir and wake.

I am now in bed with our little girl literally glued to me listening to her suck her tiny thumb while my husband went downstairs to sleep on the sofa with our son who insists on going downstairs!

This has been our routine for over six months now. We no longer share a bed and most nights my husband is downstairs by 11pm.

We don’t have a plan or a guide book and although we followed all the advice and guidance available nothing worked. I think most of the advice is for singletons and not twins.

As a biological mum I don’t know any different. I’ve only ever had twins but my husband has had a single baby before. I take affirmation from him when he tells me it’s a whole different ball game with multiples.

There are some magical, heart warming moments that I guess you only get with multiples. Moments where Layla will tell me the word Kayden is trying to say or Kayden will rub Layla’s back when she is sad and say ahhhh.

They will look at each other and tell each other they love one another or hold hands to cross the road safely. They will pick each other up (or try to) when one falls over.

These are the moments that melt my heart and possibly push my negative thoughts back when I think I must be doing something right if they act like that towards each other.

Then there are the moments when they physically kick each other or push one another and I reprimand them instantly for the behaviour we don’t want to see.

I wonder if this is being a three-anger or if it’s something I’ve done wrong in my parenting. I wonder if this happens with single toddlers or just multiples.

There are times where I am so exhausted with the daily battles of being nice to each other or the dog or the battle to even get dressed in the morning that my buttons are pressed and all my therapeutic parenting skills instantly evaporate.

I yell at my toddlers and become the adult that can’t regulate their emotions instead of the toddler who can’t regulate through development stages!

I look into their tear filled eyes and their squeaky voice saying sorry mumma pierces my heart! How have I become that person in that split second!

I was so blessed to bring them home and to be able to raise them everyday and I know there isn’t a guide book or a right answer, I just wish I had the confidence to believe that I’m doing an ok job at being mum!

I want to gain more self worth as I don’t want my children to grow up not knowing their own worth and value. I want them to be happy in life and I want them to be proud to call me mum.

I want them to see me as inspirational mum and to have more positive parenting skills to transfer to their own children (hopefully) then negative parenting that they omit.

I want them to be able to reflect on their childhood and adulthood and be able to say their lives were filled with love and laughter.

I want them to have no doubt about how much they were wanted and how much they are loved!

I want them to see that I am a hard working mum who is a professional but most importantly I want them to remember the times I took out to change a nappy or read a book to them.

I want them to know just how important they are how they changed my life in regard to priorities.

They are the reason I want to be a better human!

Their perception of me is far greater than anyone else’s! My self worth may need some work but my worth now has never been more validated than it is right now. For that I am truly grateful!