I can’t quite believe how quickly it comes around! A day I find so difficult yet so honoured to mark.
I feel heartbroken that I can’t celebrate this day with my own mother even nearly 10 years on. Nearly 10 years of grief! Time most definitely hasn’t healed but it has numbed the rawness and filled it with her beautiful grandchildren!
Traits that I sometimes see in myself are now reflected again in that of my own biological children. Traits that are most definitely from my own mother.
I may not be able to see your smile or hear your laugh or watch your eyes dance with mischievousness but I capture a glimpse of it in my very own off spring!
My heart saddens for my adopted daughter for all the things she should have had. The love, the nurture, the opportunities! I only hope that my love for her finds a special place in her heart and life. I hope that the word mum encompasses all that I try to be to her.
I hope that blood and a birth certificate with my name on it is not what matters in our relationship. I hope that she is old enough and wise enough to see true love.
I hope that my step daughter knows that she can always come “home” anytime and that she just needs to pick up the phone. I hope she knows in her maturity that being a homeowner and having responsibilities can make time pass to quickly!
I hope that she understands the importance or her in all of our lives and that no matter how much time goes by with our face to face contact, she knows her place is always in my heart!
My heart skips a beat and my breath is still taken when I think of the first time I was called mum legally! I just never envisaged it would be on a funeral form for the cremation of Kora and Ava.
The ones that filled our hearts with joy, anticipation and hope. Even when we stood at their tiny white coffin my heart may have been shattered but somehow they made me feel like it could be pieced together!
They showed Neil and I how strong and resilient we were as a couple. Their cords knotted around their necks and cut off their blood supply but they helped us tie the knot!
They made us understand true love and absolute devastation! They made us parents whilst their cots stood empty. They taught us not to give up.
My heart at times made me feel like I wouldn’t get through another loss, another miscarriage. My heart sank at being a “warrior” being in the fertility group and the baby loss club! It wasn’t a club I ever wanted to be in and I’m sure I wouldn’t have willingly signed up for the pure soul destroying, heart wrenching moments!
Moments that I could never have imagined. The moment they said you had no heartbeats, the moment I gave birth to you without a sound, the moment I gazed into my husband’s eyes with an unimaginable grief only to see it reflected back. The moment we visited you in the morgue. The moment we said goodbye and walked away from your coffin.
Moments in time that are now so precious because it’s all I hold of you. Moments I thought would haunt me rather than become the precious few moments I have to hold onto.
Of course then there is that heart warming life changing moment that I brought these two home! My beautiful Layla & Kayden.
The ones that make me hear mumma over a million times in one hour! The ones that I hear tell me they love me more than there are stars in the sky!
The ones that deprive us of sleep. The ones that light up our hearts even when it’s another night on the sofa or another night on the very edge of a king size bed!
The ones that are well and truly three-angers! The ones that push buttons we didn’t know we had! The ones that make every day worth while, that fill our hearts with overflowing love and laughter. The ones that honour me with the title of mum that world accepts!
The ones that complete my heart!
Stars in the Sky 