I haven’t written for a while and it’s not because I am in a blissful bubble of parenting but quite the opposite.
I don’t know whether losing babies makes your guilt worse when you have been fortunate enough to eventually bring home what you always wanted.
I sometimes wonder if I am even tougher on myself because of what we went through to be parents together. I have this huge overwhelming guilt that curses through my veins when I haven’t parented every minute of the day in the style I want.
You know the style I mean? The passive/therapeutic style of parenting that I want to adopt every second of the day!
However the reality of life and parenting means that the other day when Layla pushed every button there was most definitely not any therapeutic or passive parenting that went down in that moment of time.
I find that I move around the four main styles of parenting and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I also know like the other day there are days when I simply mess up and make huge mistakes!
For the past eight months or so the twins have wanted mum and only mum. Mummy can change my nappy, mummy push the pushchair, mummy put me in the car seat, mummy feed me, mummy where are you? Etc etc!!!
Neil and I have found ourselves trying to negotiate the best way to deal with the relentlessness of mummy and to help them do things with daddy but it has not always gone to plan and we have often found ourselves at loggerheads with each other through shear exhaustion!
I can’t remember the last time Neil and I slept in the same bed together. It has almost felt like divide and conquer at times and our team work has gone astray at points.
The other night I took Layla to bed and she literally did everything she could to mess around and stay awake! I lay in her bed with her from 7pm till 9:30pm consistently trying to encourage her to sleep and relax.
My buttons were well and truly pressed and I had to leave the room as I felt my blood boil with this perfect little girl. When I left the room she screamed the whole house down and all I could hear was mumma, I love you please don’t leave me.
This was repeatedly said with her cries becoming more desperate. After five minutes I went back into the room and got back into bed with her. Her sobs took her breath away and through gasps of air she kept saying mumma I love you.
My verbal response was to tell her that I loved her too. I asked her to calm down and try to close her eyes while I stroked her head and her face.
She did her usual of asking me for a big hug. This is where I engulf my arms around her and we lay together in bed. Only this time I draped my arm around her as although I was saying the right things I couldn’t bring myself to engulf her. I was emotionally drained.
As I lay there I wondered if this tiny three year old could tell the difference between the tightness of my hug. Was she does relieved to have me beside her with contact or did she know that my hug was half hearted?
Then the guilt kicks in at the pit of my stomach! I think about how desperate I was to have this and how this tiny human is pleading for my love and affection and all I could do was drape my arm over her!
It starts that vicious circle of questions in my head! Am I good mum? Do I deserve these beautiful children? What effect do my actions have on them? Do they feel loved and know that I’m trying my best?
I don’t write this for any affirmations about my parenting but because I hope my words resonate with others and I hope that being honest about my struggles even after all we went through will help other parents who read this and to feel affiliated.
I also wonder that when Layla is an adult will she look back on her childhood and at me as a mum to a fully grown adult and will she know how much she has always been loved and treasured. Will she be proud of the mother I am and have been to her throughout her life?
Will she see that my response to her was different to my response to Kayden because they (although being twins) are very different individuals and what works for one doesn’t work for the other!
Will she realise in time that my intentions were always for the best and that ultimately what I strived for as her mum was to provide a safe, loved and happy environment? Even if at times the happy part might be difficult to feel or see!
Will they both know that they are the reason my world turns, the reason the sun shines, the reason I breathe, they are my absolute everything!
No matter how many buttons are pressed or how many times I mess up my parenting styles or choices I want them to both know that we love them more than there are stars in the sky and I honestly am trying my best even if that is not always good enough and for that I am truly sorry.
Stars in the Sky 