A little harder

Each year that passes this gets a little harder! Six years ago today we were told the words…”I’m sorry, there are no heartbeats”.

Sometimes I think about reading my first few blogs again to remind myself of specific details. It’s a horrible feeling as I curse myself that I can’t remember every detail anymore.

The pain I remember, the heartbreak and sorrow! I remember being in a daze and not understanding the words spoken after that sentence.

I remember being ushered into a private room and being told to take a pill. I remember I was told that in second trimester it’s harder for your body to end a pregnancy so the pill will help your body know that pregnancy has ended!

The pregnancy has ended, I thought! No reference to the babies that were no longer going to be brought home. Just medical procedures and what to do to next.

Go home and rest and come back in two days time they said. I had just started to show a cute little bump and it was obvious I was pregnant but now I was to walk around with my dead babies inside me while I waited for the pill to kick in.

I wonder if I re-read my first blogs whether I would remember this differently. Would little memories coming flooding back. Would it be the same then as I wrote above or has my memory protected me from the pain and loss?

Three years of those six years I have been biological mum to Layla & Kayden. Three years of a love I could only imagine before. Three years of dealing with loss whilst feeling like I’d won at life!

They say it takes seven years (grief cycle) for your life to return to some normality after a loss. We are in our sixth year and my heart still aches, my tears still flow and I sit and wonder what might have been!!!

But I am conflicted because every night I cuddle my beautiful twins that I brought home and I count my lucky stars that I get to kiss them relentlessly sit and watch them drift off to sleep after talking excitedly about their day and their plans for the next day.

I am literally watching life in front of my own eyes whilst my heart copes with death. An emptiness that is appeased by the bringing home of Layla & Kayden.

My heart will always be shattered of course but I would be lying if I didn’t say that Layla & Kayden fix those pieces bit by bit. I’m sure there will always be a hole or a missing piece but when you have the chance of parenthood with the most beautiful children it’s difficult not to allow your heart to be full again.

So this is what I mean when I say it gets a little harder each year. The memories fade or get blocked out for protection, the heart although missing a piece beats loud and full of love, the smile returns to my face and I belly laugh at my beautiful twins daily.

Something that once seemed unlikely but even in those darkest moments Kora and Ava you gave me hope that I would have this chance!

You blessed me with more than you could ever know and I will be forever grateful for that! Although I might not know how to mark this day anymore, I can assure you it is not because you aren’t loved and thought about.

Love you more than there are stars in the sky or as Layla says love you more than the skies!!

Sleep tight my babies. Mummy misses you 🩵