6 years ago today I delivered you both in the hospital. We knew you were dead and it had been an agonising 10 days before we were there in the delivery suite.
I had never given birth before so I wasn’t sure what to expect but what I remember the most to this day is the overwhelming sadness.
A room full of quiet sobs, quiet words of encouragement to push out our dead babies and then you were there but no cry was heard from either of you! A heavy silence and two broken hearts!
6 years on and I can’t explain how I feel right now. I almost feel numb. I’m lost with what to do today or how to mark this day now.
I’m lost in the what ifs and I wonders that never became a reality.
I’m lost for words! I’m lost for a narrative that resembles an accurate reflection of life without you but a life so rich and full of love still.
I’ve lost count of the tears, fears and heartbreak your memory brings but I’ve also lost count of the amount of hope, love and joy that came from you!
I’ve lost count of the defining moments that happened as a result of losing you!
I’m lost navigating parenting as a bereaved parent! I’m lost with the mix of emotions and guilt that rise to the surface when I feel I’m failing with the ones I brought home.
I’m lost in the day to day parenting that I am immensely blessed to have! I’m so lost in them and how they are my entire world from the moment my eyes open to the moment they shut.
I’m so lost in them I’m worried I’ll forget you! Maybe forget is the wrong word? Maybe I mean you enter my thoughts a little less or a little later whilst the whirlwinds of the ones I brought home smash through the entire day!
I can no longer get lost in my own thoughts about you as much as I want to as I give my whole undivided attention to them!
That is until I sit with the baby monitor on and listen to their gentle snores and murmurs and then I silently thank you for all you gave to us!
I might be lost how to mark the day you entered the world so cruelly. I might not know how to mark the day we got to see you for the first and ultimately the last time.
I might not find a way to grieve not watching you both grow but whilst being blessed to watch our other two grow up!
I am completely lost with how to do this! So I will mark this day with the two we brought home, letting two heart balloons fly high in your memory!
I will watch the joy that it brings to them to watch the balloons go and I will lose myself in that moment and savour the squeals of delight that fill the air!
I will embrace every hug, kiss, smile & laughter the day brings and I will be forever grateful that we got that! I will be lost in love!
Love you Kora & Ava more than there are stars in the sky!
Stars in the Sky 