Dates!

Neil is useless at remembering dates! He has always been useless at remembering and it’s something I struggle with as I don’t think it’s an excuse to NOT remember those really important anniversaries.

However, it is something I’m learning to accept. It’s a tough thing to come to terms with as my mind battles with questions like does our daughters not mean that much to him anymore?

Then I have to remind myself of something I’ve found to be so profound in helping me deal with the grief and that is it’s ok to live in the now and forget for a while the ones that we once held!

I guess because we have so little memories of Kora and Ava I put a lot of pressure on myself and Neil to mark an anniversary.

To think today is 6 years since we stood in the crematorium looking at that little white coffin that held you both together.

I had only lost my mum four years prior to that. This year next month is ten years to the date that my mum died and I often find that she enters my thoughts a little more than Kora and Ava nowadays.

I guess becoming a mum to biological children without having her to guide and support makes her pop to the forefront of my mind a little more.

But even in this grief the odd day might go by after 10 years when she doesn’t pop into my mind. The same as Kora and Ava when I’m busy working and looking after family.

My focus and attention seems to be on the moment I’m in and living and although a pang of guilt overwhelms me for not thinking of you all much more than I do I remember to take the pressure off!

I do remember every anniversary and in the lead up to these I notice my mood dip a little, my work ethic slacks a little and I withdraw into myself a little more!

So maybe my mind doesn’t whirl with thoughts about you every single moment of every day but my heart and body naturally ache for the missed cuddles or moments shared.

Neil might not remember the dates but I’m sure his heart aches in his own way and after all, everyone’s grief is different.

Ultimately what I’m learning is that time itself doesn’t heal but it is definitely better to forget for a while when you live in the moment and smile then it is to remember with a heavy burden.

My love is not defined by how many times I think of you but rather how I carry you in my heart and let you and me live on! I honour your memory by living, laughing and loving.

So sleep tight baby girls and know that mummy and daddy love you more than there are stars in the sky.