Fear

I’m not sure if my fears and anxieties are similar to any other parent or if they are more extreme from our loses before Layla and Kayden.

I remember when they were first born and we brought them home the health visitor completed a questionnaire around anxiety and I was off the scale.

She recommended some counselling and I took it up. I had horrendous fears that after everything we went through I would now lose one or both of them due to SIDS or a fatal car crash etc.

I hardly slept for the first two years of their lives as I would panic I couldn’t hear them breathing. I would have to check continuously to see if their chests were raising and falling!

The counselling helped and I didn’t undertake it for long. It helped me to understand my fears and where they derived from.

I still suffer with awful overwhelming fears that something bad is going to happen! It’s 3:30am in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour.

I woke initially due to my husband’s snoring but then in the dead of the night I panicked! My husband was still in the bed with me and not in our sons.

They are 3 years 7 months old now and I still have a baby monitor! I’m not sure why as we hear them if they wake. So there I was listening to the monitor waiting to hear any movement from our son.

Why hasn’t he woken up yet? He had an afternoon nap (rare but happens when exhausted)! Why hadn’t he asked his daddy to get in his bed?

Just as I’m about to go and check he moves to get more comfortable. My fear of SIDS was so strong around him as I knew boys were more likely to die from it.

The relief I feel when he moved is indescribable. You would think that I would now be able to roll over and go to sleep but I can’t!

My fear creeps in again and although Layla is in my bed next to me I panic as in the last 20 minutes of fearing for Kayden I realise that she hasn’t made a noise or moved.

I touch her chest as I can’t see it rise and fall. She feels cold which is unusual for her so I panic. I move her hair and feel her head but she doesn’t move. I’m starting to feel sick when she suddenly moves her arm!

Again the relief yet still I don’t go back to sleep! Instead intrusive thoughts enter my head about how I would survive if one or both of them died so young.

Fighting this fear is hard. It’s not just about mindset but rather induced from trauma. I am a logical woman I know the odds. I know how unlikely it is yet that statistic comes into my mind 1 in 4 children get diagnosed with cancer.

It’s not just fear of something happening to them it’s also fear of something happening to me. I guess as my mum died young I worry I might. My heart breaks at the thought of not being around for them.

So as I lay in bed with all these thoughts and fears I talk myself out of this mindset. I remind myself that no day is ever guaranteed and that’s why I embrace everyday with them.

I cuddle them every day, I tell them constantly how much I love them! My heart bursts when my son sat on my lap and said to me “mumma, I love you more than there are stars in the sky”!

How wonderful is it that this tiny human being for no reason at all just leans in and tells me that!

Of course life and pressures make the day to day difficult at times and I find myself boundary setting and close to nagging but I cherish all these moments not just because they are young but because I know how fortunate I am!

People often say treasure every moment because they aren’t young for long and I get it but I also want to treasure every moment of my whole life with them. I want to be blessed to watch them grow and see who they become!

I want their childhood to be the foundation of happiness that they carry into their adulthood. I want them to look back on their childhood and remember how much they were wanted and loved.