A place in my heart

I have always written when it’s baby loss awareness and the wave of light time. However this year I found it really difficult to want to write or to find the words.

I have always said that grief doesn’t heal with time. I think we learnt to carry on in the new world we find ourselves in. I believe from that day fundamentally everything changes and we negotiate our way through our new lives.

For Neil and me that was a life without Kora and Ava. A life where suddenly we were the parents who didn’t bring their babies home.

This year during baby loss awareness week, we are sleep deprived parents who have not had one night uninterrupted sleep for 18 months!

When I was sat in the nursing chair with Kayden late at night, feeding him a bottle I kissed his head as I always do. I put my nose on his hair and breathed in his beautiful clean baby scent.

My eyes also fixed across the room where I looked longingly at Layla curled up in her cot so peaceful and beautiful.

I couldn’t help but feel 18 months down the line that we are still the luckiest people in the world.

My thoughts always wander to Kora and Ava. I can’t help that grieve process and when sat in the nursery that we have decorated twice a year escapes.

It rolls down my cheek before I even realise it. It escapes with a mix of emotions from pure love for what we have and what we lost to unanswered questions of what might have been.

I grapple with my thoughts as I would never give up sitting in the nursery at whatever time of the night being with our beautiful twins. I can’t imagine our lives without them.

I’m left wondering if losing Kora and Ava gave us the best gift we could ever have. A strong relationship with a beautiful family.

Would we be here now with Layla and Kayden if we hadn’t lost Kora and Ava? It is this question that haunts me when alone in the nursery.

The babies we hold in our arms, the ones we got to bring home. The ones I can’t imagine living without ever.

I quietly thank Kora and Ava for giving me strength and hope I never knew I had. I love to imagine a world where we brought you all home but it wasn’t to be.

I think it’s so important to have a week of awareness and paramount for the change that is needed but I also know I don’t need a day or week to remember you.

You are in my thoughts always and you will always have a place in my heart. We love you more than there are stars in the sky. Sleep tight Kora and Ava love mum x

Wet kisses and all!

I know I write blogs where I am honest about how difficult and challenging it can be raising the babies and I like the raw honesty I portray at times.

However, in amongst the mayhem and exhaustion there are moments that happen daily! Moments that I fear will disappear as they grow and I will look back and wish for that moment in time again.

I am writing this blog because it comes from the grassroots of why I write! The painful and heartbreaking journey Neil and I took to bring theses two home. The reason that no matter how hard the day has been I know just how very fortunate we are!

At the end of the day when the babies are put down to sleep, I look back on the day and wonder where it went and how we got through it.

I look at the carnage that was once a clean and tidy home that now looks like I invited a farm full of animals to stay for two weeks.

As I pick up the toys for the umpteenth time and step on yet another toy left lying around, I think about how short lived these days really are.

Some of my friends have children that are leaving school this week or starting a college trial day. In a blink of an eye their children became young adults starting their own life choices!

I think about the open mouthed wet kisses from our beautiful girl and boy and I know that there will come a time when they don’t longingly lean in for that wet kiss anymore.

I think about how I moan about the separation anxiety and how they both cling to me crying wanting nothing more than to be in my arms and I know there will come a time when I will want this more than them.

I think about how I feel like a broken record constantly putting in boundaries and repeating No with positive reinforcement of the actions I do want to see.

I think about just how tiring and monotonous it feels to repeat the same statements over and over again about not biting or pulling hair. Then I tell myself that in the not so distant future I will be looking at two young adults that blossom kindness, empathy and understanding.

I think about how when they are crying because they hurt themselves that there will come a day when I won’t be able to swoop them up in my arms and kiss everything better.

I realise that one day a kiss from mum or dad won’t be enough when they face the challenges that their lives and the world throw at them.

I think about how I sigh when I all I want is to sit down and drink that hot cuppa tea when two little hands reach for mine to walk up and down the same length of the living space over and over again!

I stop and think how this won’t last long before they are both walking independently without reaching for my hands. I think how I will be longing for that tiny hand and big eyes to look up for me to help.

I think about the giggles. The endless giggles at who knows what! They found something funny and Neil and I can’t always work out what but they have this carefree laughter.

I think about how one day that laughter will become less often as they face the day to day routine. I think about how the dog having a roll around in the grass in a funny five minutes won’t be followed by two little giggles.

Through the exhaustion, the aches in my body, the mouth ulcers from being run down and the haze that most days happen, I think and know just how fortunate I am.

I secretly cry when I think of them growing up. Not because I don’t want them to grow and develop and become their own people but because I don’t know who I am without them anymore.

They are every ounce of my being and every breath I take. They are my purpose and my unconditional love. They are our miracles and I can no longer think about what we did before them or a life where they are adults.

When you hear me take a sharp breath in or you see my exhausted state then please know if I sound or look unhappy, I am far from that.

I might break down in tears with fear that I am not good enough or I may doubt every aspect of the day or chastise myself for things I believe are in error or wrong but I am whole heartedly proud to be called their mum!

Title of mum

I like to write openly and honestly in the hopes that another mum, dad or parental figure might read my blog and resonant with a feeling that they are not alone.

I hope that one day my honesty in these blogs will help Layla and Kayden if they become parents as I know as their mum I wish that I had my mum to fall to, on days like these.

Days when I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I don’t deserve the title of mum. A guilt that is so deep when all I’ve ever wanted was to bring my biological children home.

Layla and Kayden are 14 months old now and throughout their lives I have been asked questions such as are they good babies or are easy?

I have also had people make statements to me such as the newborn stage is easy you wait till they grow up.

I can honestly say that I have found ever stage so far extremely challenging. Let me be clear that this is not about the beautiful babies in front of me but rather the job in hand and my life and support network.

I don’t know many mothers who have gone back to work when their babies were 4 weeks old. I don’t know many mothers who have gone back to work (in their home) and continued to care for their babies and a work their professional job at the same time.

I know mothers who have had maternity leave and their children go to nursery or to grandparents once or twice a week. I know mothers that have been fortunate enough to stay at home as a full time mum while their partner works.

When they were newborn I remember being in a sleep deprived state of feeding, nappies and sleeping on repeat and twice for all of it.

Now they are older we still have the sleep deprived state as Kayden doesn’t sleep through the night and of course we still have double the feeding and nappies.

At this age though we can add other developmental stages such as separation anxiety and in particular with twins the need for the main care givers attention.

Yesterday morning as I tried to settle them down for their much needed morning nap, Layla was upset. She had been a little upset all morning and quick to cry or become unsettled.

She could be feeling off colour, she could be teething, it could be the heat, it could be over tiredness. We all know that showing her upset is the only way she can communicate she is in need of something.

When it came to settling them down Layla began to cry and didn’t want to lay in her cot. She is usually the baby that settles more easily and can be left in the cot whilst self soothing.

Kayden is the baby that needs more soothing by mum or dad and doesn’t fall asleep as easily on his own unless he is exhausted.

At present both babies are fighting each other for my attention and one to one time or to be in my arms. When you have two babies at exactly the same age it is very challenging to make one or both of them understand the situation. They are both at the same developmental stages.

So when Layla needed more of my attention this morning to settle it changed our usual dynamics and routine and become a crying and screaming frenzy.

I only have one pair of arms and I couldn’t meet both their needs at the same time. I was already struggling personally due to relationship disagreements with my husband (linked to becoming parents and sharing the load of it all and more).

I guess I wasn’t in the best place myself and before I knew it or could contain myself, I heard myself scream and shout with a possible swear word saying please just shut up!!!

This of course added fuel to the fire because I upset the babies further! I sobbed and looked at myself in the mirror and chastised myself for even being given the title of Mum.

The guilt of wanting to be a mum and with everything we have been through to become parents to biological children can be a cruel aspect to juggle when struggling with being mum!

Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be their mum and always have wanted this. I guess I naively thought that being mum would be a little easier when you wanted it so badly.

I never anticipated the continuous fear and upset in my own self worth that I am not always the best mum at all times. I do really want to be the best mum always to them but I know I am also human as well as mum.

This means that I will make many mistakes and face lots of challenges as I learn. I just wish my learning didn’t impact on their happiness.

I hope that when they are older and maybe have children of their own they will forgive me for the times I am human and not at my best. I hope that they will look back on their childhood with love and laughter.

I hope that they truly believe I deserve the title of Mum and are proud to call me that. I hope that on my bad days I find a little more patience or a new technique. I hope that one day I might be a little kinder to myself too.

Quiet Days

Life can sometimes be so very busy with Layla and Kayden. Often I’m caught up in my own thoughts wondering whether I am doing a good job as mum.

As they grow and develop everyday brings new challenges and most days feel like a blur or whirlwind of mayhem with our two little active hurricanes!

Therefore, I may not be able to take time out to write a blog or reflect on any feelings and emotions as often as I did.

It is on these quiet days that I want the world to know that I have not forgotten the pain and heartache of our losses.

I have not forgotten any tiny detail of Kora and Ava, from the pregnancy to the birth to the funeral. They are always in my thoughts.

They are probably in my thoughts more often than ever before (if that is even possible) because of Layla and Kayden.

As I watch them grow and develop and discover so much about the two most precious humans in my life, I can’t help but wonder if Kora and Ava would have been similar in ways.

I wonder how we would have distinguished them apart and just how identical they would have looked as they developed.

I wonder what would have been their first words and who would have talked first. I think about who they would have looked like. I wonder what their giggles would have sounded like.

I often think about how happy Layla and Kayden are and how our house is so often full of laughter and I wonder if they too would have been so full of giggles.

It’s been four years since I delivered you both on this day. Some of the experiences feel so vivid still and other parts have been pushed to the back of mind as they are just too painful.

Having Layla and Kayden home safe and watching them grow and develop is a privilege and a blessing.

It doesn’t make not bringing Kora and Ava home any easier but I find that even on the hardest and most challenging of days I think how special they are and how blessed we are and I find an inner strength.

When a sadness overwhelms me or my eyes fill with tears, Layla and/or Kayden will do something sweet, innocent or hilarious and pull me from the depths of my grief.

When they reach a new milestone or development my thoughts may slip for a moment to wondering about Kora and Ava but in that quick moment of time I want to embrace Layla’s and Kayden’s achievements and enjoy this moment so much.

We know what it is like not to have the opportunity to fulfil those moments or build those memories. We know a heartache that others may never understand or experience.

We know how our lives have been enriched so greatly by Layla and Kayden. We know that we are the luckiest people in the world to have them.

They are the reason I respond to statements such as ‘you have your hands full’ with ‘and our hearts’ or ‘double trouble’ with ‘double the blessing’

I can’t express with words the overwhelming feeling of fortune that we feel on a daily basis. I have never felt a greater love than that of having today and the next day and the next day with the best humans in the world.

After five pregnancies and 6 losses, after hearing repeatedly I’m sorry there is no heartbeats, we cherish every moment with Layla and Kayden.

On those days when I don’t shout about the pain of our losses or when I don’t say your names Kora and Ava, I want the world to know that you gave us hope and a strength we never knew we had.

You are the reason we kept going even if at times we felt like we should stop. You are the reason we married, knowing that we could face anything if we stood side by side next to your little white coffin and still found the strength to carry on.

You have taught us a different love and patience that we wouldn’t have if we hadn’t had to leave the hospital while you both laid in the morgue.

It’s because of you both that I feel like I am a better person (although human and still winging the parenting stuff – and getting it wrong)!

You made me realise what is important in life from your death. You may never have had the opportunity to take a breath but you are every breath I take and every ounce of the love I pour into my family.

I may have only held you in my hands for a while but I will hold you in my heart forever.

Love you more than there are stars in the sky, mum x

Comparison

Sometimes I feel like a lost child who still needs her mum and dad. I’m not sure if these feelings are valid and acceptable as an adult and a parent myself.

I’m not sure if it is because it’s approaching my own mums birthday and the milestone of seventy years old. It seems so unreal to think that she passed eight and a half years ago!

She died at such a young age and sometimes that loss and grief can be overwhelming. Sometimes when I doubt myself as a mum or worry about being the best I can be for Layla and Kayden, I just want that affirmation from my mum that my best is good enough today.

When I look into our babies beautiful little eyes, when they look back at me with such unconditional love, an ache hits my heart and fear rises as I wonder if good enough is good enough for these little people.

I know that we should never compare ourselves (especially to unrealistic tv shows or fake news articles) and I would definitely tell Layla and Kayden never to compare them with anyone else.

However, when your whole world becomes solely about the needs of your children and it can become very isolating. Your mind can wander and you can watch others and wonder if you are as good a mum as they are.

I wonder if our losses and my grief for those babies and my own mum make me a better person and mum or does it impact unfairly on our beautiful children.

Does this grief and loss make me a sad person inside with a fake smile? On difficult days and anniversaries can I hide the pain well enough and devote my attention to the ones in my arms?

When they grow up and look back on their childhood will they think it was happy and filled with love? Will they think of me as one of those amazing mums that is always there for them and always met their needs?

Will they knock on my door as adults and still find solace and comfort in my hugs and words? Will I be blessed (unlike my mum) to watch them grow and built their own families?

Will they know how hard I chastise myself if I slip from the therapeutic parent to that of a woman struggling to find her way?

Will they remember the times when I lost my cool and blurted out something that I really didn’t mean?

Will they remember the tears in my eyes as I hate myself for losing my way in that moment of time?

Does the world see me as a parent and an adult with all these doubts and fears? Is it normal to feel so loved and happy but at the same time so lost and isolated?

Is it normal to go to bed and wonder how much they laughed today and if I was a good mummy today?

I look back on my childhood and predominately it was a happy childhood. We had our struggles with food and money amongst other things.

However if my mum was alive today I think she would back me up when I repeat her words that she was not naturally maternal. She also changed significantly at my current age and as my parents relationship broke down my brother and I were forced to grow up a little faster.

My mum would say that at my age she was a little self centred and selfish. She wanted to live her life not parent us. She believed that at 16 years old we were old enough to understand and get on with life.

Then when my mum got her diagnosis of terminal cancer everything altered! She became the strongest, selfless and most determined mother and woman I have ever met!

She told me many times how she wished she had done things differently and how her only regret would be not seeing any grandchildren.

At those times my life hadn’t been impacted by the loss of our daughters and subsequent pregnancy losses. At that time we didn’t have Layla and Kayden. I never fully understood the enormity of the loss of babies and my own mum. I never fully understood the enormity of what my mum was facing herself.

I can only imagine my mum would have been the best grandmother. I wish I had the opportunity to say to her I understand that being a parent is the toughest job in the world. I can’t imagine looking into Layla and Kayden’s eyes knowing that one day imminently I won’t be here anymore!

All that being said I hope I parent differently from my mum and I hope I am much more maternal than she was but I also hope that I have the strength, determination and selflessness that she found later in life.

I hope that I take the best parts of both of my parents and that Layla and Kayden will have no doubt just how much we love them. I hope that I succeed at being the best mum at all times and stages in their lives.

I hope that I am not only good enough but that I am the very best I can possibly be every single day of their lives.

Saddened and Maddened

In the news this week they reported about Britney Spears (famous singer) who at 40 has lost her baby.

The press printed Britney’s personal tweet on Twitter where she states that maybe they shouldn’t have announced the pregnancy as early as they did but they got carried away with the excitement.

I am desperately saddened by the news of their loss and know so many that can relate to this heinous circumstance.

I am also a little maddened inside. 1 in 250 pregnancies result in a sleeping baby. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a pregnancy loss/miscarriage.

Why should a parent wait to announce their pregnancy? Why is 12 weeks plus considered the safe point to announce a pregnancy? There is no guarantees in any pregnancy!

Why should the parents not be excited at the start that they are growing another little human being? Why should they hold onto this news? Why can’t they tell the world their exciting news at the point that they want to?

If more people talked about their pregnancy earlier than 12 weeks then more people would be aware of just how many have the heartbreak of miscarriage.

Maybe pregnancy loss and miscarriage would not be such a taboo subject! Maybe grieving parents wouldn’t feel they had to announce that they were pregnant but they suffered a loss or worse still hide it!

How do you announce that you were pregnant but you’ve had a miscarriage? How do you say to your nearest and dearest that you were expecting but now your not?

If for a moment we imagined a world where at the point that you got those two lines on that stick, you did a magical announcement in whatever fun or quirky way you wanted.

That there was not a 12 week wait for the scan photo but a wonderful announcement straight away. Imagine how many people would be able to feel supported in their loss and grief when they shared it!

Neil and I waited for the 12 week scan with Kora and Ava. We did a minimal but happy announcement that we were expecting not just one but two babies.

We got to second trimester! We passed the so called safe point to announce but we never got to bring them home! We delivered them in the quiet, stillness of a hospital ward. We experienced the labour and the complications that birthing children can bring.

We held our babies in the palm of our hands. Small, delicate and perfect! We left the hospital without them…we never got to bring them home.

We had a nursery beautifully presented and prepared where the cot laid bare and unused. We packed away the things that we had purchased. We dismantled all the furniture and we carried on without them.

Broken and in a world we no longer knew how to function in! Faced with seeing people who wondered where the bump had gone so soon! The silence of awkwardness as no one knew what to say. The crossing of roads so as not to pass the grieving parents.

The gloom and doom that entered a room and killed a party or atmosphere. The couple with the fake smile or the tears that no one could handle.

THE TABOO!

What saddens me is the fact that in Britney’s and her partners time of loss and grief they felt that they had to justify their announcement. We live in a world where miscarriage is silenced. Where pregnancy loss is difficult to talk about.

We live in a world where this blog might get a comment but otherwise be read or even ignored because the subject is so very tough. We all want a happy ending and in a world where there can be so much sadness we can choose to look the other way.

I want to live in a world of kindness! On the week on Mental health awareness I want the world to understand that a loss of a baby at whatever gestation is a loss that has a massive impact on one’s mental health.

Let’s get the conversation started! Let’s change the taboo. Let us be kind to those that suffer. 💕

Bad mum!

No matter whether you are a biological, non biological or bereaved mum, we all have those times and days when we feel like a bad mum. I know dads feel like this too but I am writing from my own perspective so will be talking as mum.

Sometimes we can’t do right for doing wrong with society and the judgments of the world. Working mum not being there for her children, stay at home mum watching daytime tv etc etc.

Yet despite anyones viewpoint or perception of myself as a mum, you will never get a harsher critic than that of myself!

As a bereaved mum I can’t tell you enough how much these babies were wanted and are loved. I hope that if they ever grow old enough to read the blogs they will know this without questioning it.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have days when I am simply dragging myself to the end of the day! Days when I give a massive sigh of relief that they are down for the night, safe and I am free for a while.

Days when I feel so lonely or helpless. Days when I’m not sure how I’m going to make it to bedtime.

It is this fact that makes me feel like the worst mum! When the day has been challenging and I feel like they have cried more than they have laughed and I have wanted to cry myself! I cringe and feel disappointed in myself for wishing the time away to bed time.

As a mum who went through so much to bring these babies home and as a mum who didn’t get to bring Kora and Ava home, I hate myself for even wishing one minute away with Layla and Kayden.

I know there are woman that would exchange everything to have their own babies and I see their posts and hear their voices and this is the overwhelming guilt that strikes at me!

Yet I know as a mum to two one year olds it’s ok for me to have a bad day or two or thousands! It’s ok to want bedtime to come around! I know I am not the only mum to think or feel this.

After numerous no don’t touch that, be careful, stay away from the fire guard, no it’s hot…then suddenly floods of tears as Kayden lays flat on the floor under the heavy iron fire guard!

After hundreds of times saying pat pat the dog or cat, open hand, gentle hand, no don’t pull their ears or tail, come on let’s move away…then floods of tears as either Layla or Kayden has been bitten by the cat who has just had enough!

After copious amount of times of saying no don’t pull her hair, no don’t push her, no don’t hit his face, no don’t pull him back with his clothes…then floods of tears as one of them has been pushed to the floor and smacked their head!

After numerous times of saying no don’t blow raspberries at me with a mouth full of food Layla, no Layla keep the dinner protector on, no Kayden don’t throw food on the floor, no Kayden don’t rub the food on the floor, both of you just stop feeding the dog!

After rescuing Kayden’s foot out of the cat flap or picking up the laundry now in the garden after he has put it through the cat flap. Or trying to grab his legs as I catch him crawling through the cat flap head first!

I hear you ask where were you that you didn’t know he was crawling through the cat flap? The answer is that I was preparing their lunch when Layla decided to firstly try and eat the dog food and secondly crawl up the stairs!

A simple answer might be the stair gate yet this causes melt downs on a epic scale as for the past few months we have done nothing but encourage them to crawl, step, move and use the furniture and now we put the stair gate across the doors and stairs to stop them doing what we had been encouraging!

The same stair gate that traps me and slows me down when I have to run round to the back door to stop Kayden crawling out the cat flap head first, again for the umpteenth time that day!

Yesterday when they had an absolute melt down for the third time, this one because I moved away and left them playing, I shut the sliding doors and just banged my head against them!

When I opened the doors both babies were sat there tears in their eyes desperate for a mum hug! So of course I obliged…who wouldn’t!

I too as a grown adult wanted to sit on the floor and cry my eyes out! At the point Neil rang me to ask me if everything was ok they were both crying and screaming the house down! I can’t repeat the words I said to him but I can tell you that they contained a word starting with F and ending in K!

I literally counted down the minutes to their bedtime yesterday and although I was there emotionally and physically for them and I met every need no matter how challenging I found it, I felt the worst mum in the world!

I guess I’m writing this because I want others to know that regardless of your situation and how lucky you feel to have those beautiful babies in your arms, it’s ok to have bad days!

I know that even though yesterday was a bad day and one that was seemed filled with more tears than laughter, nothing compares to holding them in my arms.

Not even when I need ear defenders with the screeching that comes out! Being mum and being blessed with that privilege makes me pull every ounce of myself into them.

The guilt will fade and I’m sure there will be many more days to come when I feel I don’t meet the grade or I wish for bedtime to come a little faster.

Yet everyday I am honoured to love, embrace and live with the two most amazing humans that are blossoming into incredible little people with their own minds!

One year!

I can’t quite believe we have had a whole year of loving you upon your arrival! People often say it goes so fast and in so many ways it does!

You will always be our babies but at the moment you are most definitely our little people. It has been an absolute pleasure to watch you grow and develop.

Parenting can be very challenging and I know that I have found certain days and times very difficult. Yet through these difficulties I have constantly thought about how very lucky we are to have you both in our arms.

I guess when you have suffered the losses we have and birthed children that didn’t come home then even when both babies are screaming with teething and colds, we carry you in our arms and remember just how fortunate we are.

Watching you learn to communicate with sign language and body language with your understanding growing everyday is incredible.

I have never known such a rewarding (even with my paid rewarding job), humbling and extraordinary experience as to raise the two of you!

I am by far not a perfect mum and I question everyday if I am doing ok at raising you both. We don’t want you to be rich, successful, academic or anything else unless this is what you want for yourselves. What we want is for you to be happy.

Everyday I reflect on the day and think how many times have you both laughed? I want your childhood and adulthood to be filled with happiness and laughter.

I want to guide you into kind, caring and respectful people. I want to protect you from the cruelty of the world for as long as possible and if it does intrude into your minds or hearts then I want to be able to comfort you in a way that makes the days easier.

I want so much for you that we were not able to give to our other babies and sometimes this feels so raw because you two babies are the most important and special ones in our lives.

We tried to make your first birthday so special by filling it with faces of the people in your lives that mean so much to us all.

We never got to make any of these memories or milestones with Kora and Ava and so your first birthday to us was hugely important because you give us the gift of you everyday!

I hope as you grow you will be able to look back on all the things we try to do for you and I hope that you will feel the love and laughter that we try and give every single day.

I hope that although you will have no memory of your first birthdays, you will look back on the photos and the faces in them and know just how much you are treasured and loved.

We don’t take photos to post or upload to show off any part of our parenting, we take them and post them for you to have the memories to hold onto forever.

We do this as we both lost our mums young and of course lost our babies so we know more than most just how special these moments are. We know that we are the luckiest people to have been blessed with two remarkable little humans!

Another Mother’s Day

This is the time of year I find difficult. I have said this on many occasions. It’s my birthday month and I always miss my own mum around that time but it is usually Mother’s Day quite soon after my birthday.

It’s a day I can never let go unmarked in my blog. It’s the time of year where you might catch me a little teary.

This year is my first ever Mother’s Day to living biological children. I can’t shout it enough what a privilege it is to be called mum (in whatever form that comes – biological, step, non biological and so on).

With all the build up to the day I can’t help but feel the luckiest woman in the world to have brought Layla and Kayden home from the hospital.

I guess though as we went through so much to be blessed with them, my heart aches too. It aches for all the want to be mum’s, the tried to conceive for so long, the IVF warriors that inject and take on so much to be called mum.

The mums that foster, the mum’s that adopt or go through these processes. The ones that don’t have their mum on this day. The children in systems through no choice of their own. The fathers who play the role of mum due to loss or other significant reasons.

But ultimately my heart breaks for the mums of angels. The mums who know there should be another place seating at the table. The mums who nursery remained bare. The mums who don’t get that cuddle that they should have. The mums that should have watched their children grow.

This year I feel so honoured to be called mum by the sweetest, tiniest voices. Doubly blessed with that word that leaves their little mouths.

These are the words I never got to hear Kora and Ava say. That title is the one that society often hasn’t labelled me with till now.

I will never be able to have a Mother’s Day without thinking of our losses and my friends that have lost too. It will always be a more sensitive day to me and I will always be more aware of just how this one day can be the most challenging for some.

However this year I will absolutely raise a glass for our mums and our beautiful girls that aren’t here but ultimately I will cuddle and kiss my beautiful children (biological and non biological) that little harder.

I have never known a love any greater than that of a child that loves you back in ways I never knew were possible. I will wear the title of mum very proudly not just on that one day but every single day because it is an absolute honour to blessed with what we have!

Lots of love to all those who find the day so challenging and I know not everyone gets their rainbow and some face a day that will never be the same again because of their situation or loss. I hope this Mother’s Day is as kind to you as possible. X

Death Certificate

Another blogger that writes about baby loss awareness that I follow, posted about the fact that her babies death certificate shouldn’t be something she owns.

I absolutely understand that this is definitely not the paperwork any parent would wish to own especially the process of going to a registry office to have it completed whilst surrounded by parents who got to bring their babies home.

Yet I remember feeling as though my grief and experience was belittled by the world and there was no recognition of our babies death. We did not get a death certificate for Kora and Ava.

They were under 24 weeks and considered medically as non viable. This meant that if they were born alive under 24 weeks they would not survive.

This medical term has not been reviewed or updated for a long time and as many of you are probably aware, there has been babies born under 24 weeks that have survived.

Kora and Ava were delivered at nearly 19 weeks. Neil and I went through the labour and delivery of our babies. Our babies were put into a tiny basket for us to look at or hold for as long as needed.

There was no screaming or crying from our babies. The room was silent other than our broken hearts and sobs.

They were then taken away to the hospital morgue where they would stay until their funeral.

The only paperwork we completed was funeral ones. We signed forms in relation to autopsies.

We walked out of the hospital with no car seats carrying our babies. We came home to a beautifully decorated nursery that would remain empty.

We were given a box to bring home that contained seeds to plant, teddies, a book, footprints and handprints and some photographs of our babies.

This box is all we have. We don’t have many memories to hold onto. We have the songs we picked for their funeral. We have the cards from loved ones passing on sympathy.

What we don’t have is any legal recognition of all we endured. We have no legal documentation stating that our babies were delivered and then cremated. We do not have a death certificate for Kora and Ava.

Sometimes it feels that society or the medical profession undermine the loss that we went through with the archaic terms and procedures.

Although I will never “get over” the loss of our identical twins girls nor will the world ever feel the same again without them, over time I have come to terms with this.

Time is no healer and the pain will always be raw but I have learnt to live with a piece of me that is missing.

Layla and Kayden have helped me to live each day with laughter and smiles and with them that comes in an abundance!