Are they good babies?

It’s another question that I have been asked on so many occasions since bringing the twins home. Are they good babies?

I am assuming the person asking is referring to how the babies are sleeping, whether they cry much or fuss about everything. Basically are they easy babies?

I have never felt comfortable with this question but I understand it’s an ice breaker for some and for others it’s an opportunity to check if their baby is developing similarly.

I guess I don’t feel comfortable with the question because ultimately it is my parenting capability that helps make the babies happy, sad, frustrated, develop and meet their milestones.

I am currently listening to a book (I no longer have time to read a book and even listening to it is taking forever with lack of time) it’s about what scientists know and what parents practice.

It is an aid to understanding how to help your baby be happy by how you parent. It discusses that an expectant mother can have an impact on the baby before their birth.

This filled me with dreed upon reading as my pregnancy was an extremely anxious time and I wondered what impact that had on the babies.

As a new mum to newborn babies I often question myself and my parenting abilities. When I look at my babies and they are physically showing frustration by screaming and clenching their fist, I instantly Google if this is the norm.

I am aware that as they develop they become frustrated due to being unable to communicate what they want (or because mum can’t figure it out). However I wonder if the screaming and fist clenching is normal behaviour or if I’m failing and causing a miserable baby.

I’m not sure how you define a good baby? All I know from my little nine months experience with newborns is that it’s a massive learning curve and a baby has so much adjusting to do in the world they have entered.

I also feel that my answer to that question is guarded. As a mum to babies we didn’t get to bring home, I feel guilt at this question or rather my answer and how honest I should be.

These babies were wanted so much and we went through hell and back to bring them home. By answering the question honestly that we have good days and hard days I feel like I’m not grateful for what we tried so hard to have.

Yesterday, I was brought to tears on several occasions. Both babies are teething, both have a cold and both are going through the separation and anxiety stage.

This does not mean that they are not good babies, it is all part of their development. It does somehow make me put pressure on myself to be a better mum in dealing with these situations particularly as I am predominantly on my own with them.

So when I was cutting their food up for lunch and out of sight of them I had a little cry. I felt exhausted. I had just had my second poo explosion of the day resulting in a change of clothes again.

The dog had ignored all my commands that morning, the babies had been a little more vocal and whinging because they were full of cold.

I had attempted to take them on my own to a soft play place as my baby group had been cancelled last minute. In hindsight this wasn’t my best decision!

As Kayden clang onto me and wouldn’t let me put him down without crying his eyes out and Layla would then follow suit, I saw the other mums.

They were watching me and could see on this day I was struggling with two babies on my own. Not one of them reached out or made conversation with me. Yet they spoke to each other and asked about each other’s babies with their new mum affiliation.

I felt so lonely and then flooded with guilt for feeling this as I have what we wanted and tried so hard to have. How can I be lonely or sad when I have the most precious gift anyone could ever be blessed with and not just one but two?!

Later that day after struggling with nap times with Kayden refusing to sleep and when he finally did I had ten minutes to shovel food in me before Layla woke, I went for a walk with them.

I was still very teary as both babies cried when putting them in their pram suits and into the pram. Whilst walking Layla screamed in frustration at me most of the time as she wanted to be in arms.

I bumped into a lady with a beautiful dog and she started a conversation with “oh twins”. I braced myself for the questions that followed including are they good babies?

When in fact she told me she is a twin mum to eight year olds, a girl and a boy. She then told me how hard it was at their age and she remembers when they started to crawl and walk she didn’t leave the house for a year!

She said that she felt so guilty as her babies were IVF and wanted so much but that having two at the same time was challenging. She refers to it not being the same as her friends who had two or more babies at different ages. With a smile on her face she said only a mum of multiples would understand that.

I almost burst into tears. I was grateful that she recognised my achievements of even getting out of the house. She didn’t ask if they were good babies as Layla screamed at me for not pushing the pram and not because of Layla’s screaming but because of a natural and mutual understanding.

She also filled me with fear of the next development stages and how I will manage that day in and day out but I also felt like I would find my way somehow.

So to answer the question are they good babies? They are the most amazing and fantastic babies finding their way in this world we brought them into.

I am the best mum I can be to them and I try my hardest every day. I learn each day and I make mistakes. Every night I kiss them and tell them I will be a better mum tomorrow and I mean it with all my heart as I continue to learn.

I guess it all goes back to the time old question about nature and nurture. No baby is born bad or good. All I know is these babies are loved and nurtured by so many.

I may make mistakes or question my ability as their mum but my intentions are good and come from the heart. I read and research parenting skills, I check development and milestone information.

I try my absolute best but most importantly I love them with all my heart regardless of if they are screaming, crying or sleeping like a baby.

They are cuddled, provided for, helped to develop and grow and loved more than there are stars in the sky! They are the not just good babies, they are the best!

Overwhelming Emotions

After our first Christmas when we enter the dark days and nights of January and life becomes a little less hectic, there is time to reflect.

Christmas didn’t go as I had imagined in my head and wasn’t as special as I had anticipated due to numerous reasons. However there were still some magical moments and wonderful memories created.

I have found that often I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mum I can be and sometimes I set the bar to high and feel like I’m letting down all of my children.

Bring a parent is the hardest job in the world and to have it unappreciated and undervalued is heartbreaking. My professional job can be very difficult and often fraught with vicarious trauma but nothing is as difficult as being mum.

I often struggle with the balance of being mum, being me and being human. I think this might be due to all the expectations I put on myself with my main role as mum.

I have struggled with tiredness and have sought help in relation to anxiety. I wasn’t sure whether to talk about this openly but I’m hoping that it might help others too.

I consider myself an educated and emotionally intelligent woman. I understand my feelings and can rationalise them. However I can’t control the initial thoughts or fear that intrudes subconsciously.

I have read that intrusive thoughts are common and that they are not talked about much so I’m hoping by being open and honest I may help others not so confident to speak up.

I know that the trauma of the birth and the separation of the twins probably heightened my anxiety and the death of Kora and Ava have always affected my anxiety throughout subsequent pregnancies and bringing Layla and Kayden home.

I sometimes find my eyes full of tears and my chest a little tight when I look at our babies with that realisation that we brought them home and my heart fills with so much love.

I find myself looking at them and becoming completely overwhelmed that they are in fact here and so perfect. As a child I use to tell my own father that I would have twins and with everything Neil and I went through I sometimes have to pinch myself to know they are real.

It still feels strange to finally hear society, friends and family refer to me as mummy (even if I have been a mum for years). My heart flutters a little when I look at these two small humans who depend on us solely to meet their needs.

The way they look at us, how they reach out their arms to be engulfed by us or fall into our chests for some affection is the most incredible moment. A little fear creeps inside of me that there will come a day when they don’t look at me this way.

I love how they smile and laugh at us all the time. They are very happy babies and their laughter brightens up our day. I guess there will be a day when we are not the funniest people in their world. I just hope and wish that their world is still incredibly happy for them.

From being an experienced mum, I know that these days will come. I just hope that when it does come they appreciate the love and nurture that we have given to them and the look still holds love and respect in their eyes.

I hope that one day they get to be parents themselves (without our loss and struggles) and then the reality hits them of what it actually means and just how much we have and are trying our best.

I have always said you only get one mum and I know that my own relationship with my mum was challenging at times. The truth is some people are lucky enough to get more than one mum (one biological and one not). What I’ve learnt is that I wish I could thank my mum for trying her best (even if my mothering is very different, intentionally).

Since the babies birth I have always worried about them. I have woken consistently through the night and placed my hand on their chest to check it is rising and falling. I have woken in a panic and had to look over into their crib to relief my fears.

Although I have had anxiety around them I have tried my best not to let it intrude on their lives. I have happily passed them to anyone to hold and although they were born in a pandemic I have not allowed this to affect them.

As a mum I undertake all the usual roles. When I wake to the babies because they want some bottle, I check my phone to ensure my teenager is home from work and in bed. I know that worry doesn’t stop when they become an adult!

However this is a very different worry. They are not old enough to look after themselves or regulate their emotions. They can’t communicate their needs verbally. They are completely dependent.

I am good at controlling the worry and anxiety in physical situations and when it arises. What I can’t help or control is the initial intrusive thoughts, some of which are harrowing.

I might wake from a dream that one of the babies is blue or being taken away. I sometimes ride along in the car and and panic overtakes as my mind imagines another car hurtling into us when the babies are in their car seats.

I might be driving myself alone and worry that I will have a fatal crash and after all we did to bring them home, I won’t get to see them grow.

Thoughts of being terminally ill enter my head and tears fill my eyes as the fear of not being there seems so real at that time.

This is just a snapshot of some of the thoughts and feelings that happen and although I am very good at rationalising them, they have still disturbed my day.

Ultimately what I want is for the thoughts to not even enter my head but I’m unsure how to control this when it’s from the subconscious.

I was very aware of how I was feeling and spoke to the health visitor to check if this was normal for a new mum (to newborns) to have this anxiety and fear.

She referred me to a counselling service. If I’m honest I’m not sure it will do any good as like I said I am more than aware of cognitive behaviour and do logically deal with the intrusive thoughts.

However, she believes that my anxiety is more than most new mums due to the traumas we have been through and she was hopeful that talking through those might support me.

I am happy to undertake this as ultimately I don’t want any of my feelings or anxieties to impact on the babies and seeing as it’s fear around THEM I guess it could.

What I do know though, is that they are two very smiley happy babies and whatever goes on in my mind their world is a very happy and safe one and I know that Neil and I have achieved that.

3 Years Old

I can’t quite believe that I am sat here typing this on what would have been your third birthdays.

I’m not sure how those three years have passed. I know that because of you both, you made me stronger and showed me a love I never understood before you.

In those three years I started this blog to help myself but more importantly help others. Sometimes I feel that people see the blog and think oh it’s her again talking about her dead babies.

Maybe this is a little unfair or maybe this is the truth. Maybe it’s not said directly to me. Maybe perhaps find friendly ways to voice their opinions or thoughts.

I hope that when I write about you both some people see a broken heart and a grief. Grief that is not always being shared over and over again in the same devastating manner but that they see a grief that has evolved.

A three year grief that for eight months have had a heart that is not only broken but more fulfilled then ever before when we brought home Layla and Kayden.

We are so blessed to have brought our babies home but that doesn’t change the fact that our first babies died. Heartbreakingly, Neil and I only have one side of THAT story to tell.

We have 19 weeks of a pregnancy. 2 scans. 10 days in hospital. 1 labour, 2 births and 1 funeral. We don’t have the three years of milestones that we should have celebrated.

Kora and Ava haven’t meant that we are stuck repeating the same old story. They do not make us look for sympathy from others. I choose to tell their story as it is all I have to tell of them.

I can’t tell you of their first smile, their first word, their eye colour or their other milestones. I can’t share the most joyous of moments because it was taken from us so cruelly.

I can however talk about them with the pride and love that we have for them. I can say their names and live their lives through us. I can use their story to hopefully help others.

I can talk about them with the love and grief I have for them. I should be able to share our experience with both of these emotions.

I should be able to write this blog without shame or fear of others views. I should be able to share this without the worry of people thinking “there she goes again, talking about her dead babies”.

Losing our babies should not be a taboo subject and we should feel ok to share our feelings, experiences and our anniversaries.

It took bravery for me to share our story in a world that isn’t ready to face pregnancy loss or the death of a child. I’m ok with this. I hope that one day, you all will also be ok with it too.

But for now I will celebrate the love and hope that Kora and Ava gave to us. I will celebrate their third birthday with the sadness and happiness that I feel. I will hold our two babies we brought home a little tighter today with thanks to Kora and Ava.

To all of you that have lost babies, it is OK to grief them in the way you want to. It is ok to talk their names or hold them close to your heart. It’s ok for you to tell the one side of the story you have to tell.

For all of those that do not know the pain of losing a baby or for those that watch the heart break with no understanding of the cause please allow them to grieve.

Please be kind and careful with your views and opinions. Please don’t walk in their shoes if you have never had to wear them. Please be mindful that the memories they choose to share are the ONLY memories they have.

Happy 3rd birthday Kora and Ava, our stars in the sky.

A letter to Layla & Kayden

Dear Layla and Kayden,

Since you came into our lives, I have often thought of the impact my grief has on your lives. One of the biggest concerns I often think about is what you would think if you read my blogs in your future.

I know that as a mother myself I have never been able to ask my mum for advice, guidance or family information. I started fostering after my mum had died so she wasn’t around for me to ask about her joy, challenges or about raising me and my brother.

My mum had passed away 4 years before I delivered Kora and Ava. I wasn’t able to ask her about her birth, her pregnancies and I wasn’t able to get the cuddle from my mum when Neil and I walked out the hospital leaving Kora and Ava in the morgue.

I often have a little fear that I left it late to have biological children and as my mum and your dad’s mum both died young, I think about you both without me in your future.

I worry that you will read my blog one day and have more questions than answers. More importantly I am petrified that you will read about your biological sisters and misinterpret my love for them and my love for you.

When I look back on my blogs and see the loss, heartache and love written down for all to see, I wonder how easy it would be for you think that you were/are competing with Kora and Ava.

I wonder if these words that have helped me by expressing them and hopefully helped others in reading them, maybe an emotive and upsetting read for you both.

I hope that in the future if you read this blog or any of the others, you will pick out the positives and my positive attitude I try so desperately to portray.

I hope that you will understand my need and desire to help others and to raise awareness on what is such a taboo subject. Maybe if or when you read my blogs you will be surprised that baby loss, miscarriage and infertility was ever a taboo subject!

I hope that what you find in the blogs is the love I have for Kora and Ava and how much hope they gave me and your dad to keep going through the darkest of days.

I hope that you realise you are not a substitute or a replacement. I hope that you see in my blogs just how much you were desired.

I hope that you read the words and they touch your hearts as you embrace the love that your father and I have for you.

I hope that we raise you so well with love and nurture that you will never doubt our love for you even in arguments, boundary setting and misunderstandings.

I hope that you see the love we have for our non biological child/children. I hope that gives you the understanding of how much love was in our family for everyone of you.

I know that we will raise you with unconditional and overwhelming love and that although a piece of our hearts is missing and always will be, I hope you know that our losses made you both so much more appreciated and special.

Layla and Kayden we love you more than there are stars in the sky so please never doubt your place in our hearts.

Love mum and dad. X

Mixed emotions

Someone I know has recently had MCMA identical twin girls. I am genuinely happy for her and her partner for getting through the whole pregnancy and bringing home their bundle of joys.

It became apparent that the hospital’s protocol and procedures has changed around MCMA twins (shortly after our pregnancy) and her treatment was different to mine and Neil’s when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava.

This can only be a positive step in the right direction to plan appropriately for each individual MCMA pregnancy and potentially allow more people to bring home their babies.

Also recently whilst on holiday with Layla and Kayden a woman walked into the leisure area with two identical twin girls (aged 2). She saw our twins and instantly struck up a conversation with us.

She told us that her girls had been MCMA. I obviously told her about Kora and Ava and how they too were MCMA.

It’s very bizarre that in a short space of time both encounters have been with identical twin girls and both were MCMA. Only 50% of these highest risk pregnancies result in the parent(s) leaving the hospital with their babies.

Recently i have been full of mixed emotions and at my vulnerable moments and having had two experiences with identical twin girls.

Although I am happy for the mother and father for bringing home their babies, I have felt an overwhelming grief for Kora and Ava. I suspect this is due to it coming towards their 3rd birthday and the recent anniversary of my mum passing.

I’m probably a little all over the place at the moment with all these emotions churning inside me and probably more so than ever before.

I keep telling myself, something I tell others that grief is a very difficult thing to live with. My tears don’t flow freely over Kora and Ava and I didn’t shed a tear on my mums anniversary and that is OK.

I am probably a little heavier in the heart at the moment and maybe not so engaging and talkative as usual as I muster all my energy into getting through the day and trying my best to be a great mum to all.

I sometimes get caught up in my own thoughts of what if and I wonder what’s and I tell myself that is ok to think this too. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Losing my babies before I got to know their eye colour, hair colour, laugh and smile is the hardest grief I’ve had to deal with.

Grief encompasses many aspects from guilt, doubt, change, sadness and of course the one we tend to forget… love. Sometimes getting through the day and ignoring the overwhelming guilt is my biggest achievement.

Grandma

I know lots of people struggle around this time of year for one thing or another and particularly as the nights draw darker and colder.

I use to love this time of year and found joy in wrapping up warm and cozy fires. If I’m honest a part of me still does. I refuse to let moments and special occasions be ruined by overwhelming emotions.

I do however battle this feeling and can find myself a little sadder than normal or suddenly overwhelmed with grief.

November and December mark the anniversaries of both my mum passing and Kora and Ava’s due date.

This year I am finding it exhausting to mange as I’m confused and consumed with emotions and wishes or I wonders.

It’s also my first year of having our babies at home. The ones we managed to take home and this is impacting me in ways I hadn’t thought about until now.

It’s been 7 years in November since my mum passed. It’s crazy to see that figure and for it to still feel so raw at times. This year even more so as I look at Layla and Kayden.

They are 6 months old on Thursday (half a year) and my heart aches that you, mum have missed out on so much not by choice. I would love to share with you the most joyous of moments when they both giggle at the same time. I wish you were here to hear it.

Their smiles beam from ear to ear and it makes the whole day worth while no matter what has happened. I wish you were here to see them, you would have loved to see their smiles.

I wonder what they would have called you or what title you would have preferred, Nan or grandma or anything else similar.

I know for a fact you would have been here and present in all those precious moments. You wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I wonder if you would have thought or told me that I am a good mum (I hope I am). I wonder what reflections we both would have had on our relationship.

The mum I had in the last three years of her life was a very different mum to the one I had growing up and then the one I had as a teenager into my twenties.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy and we talked about this when you got the diagnosis of terminal. I will always think it brave of you to tell me you wish you had mothered me differently or been a more natural mum.

Those last three years when you were living with the terminal illness you became the most reflective and caring person. It wasn’t about you and your illness, it was about us and our memories. For that I am truly grateful.

Our relationship was not easy and I guess it is this that makes this year so much harder. Not because I am a new mum as I have been a mum for years but this is the first time I’ve changed nappies or had little people rely on me solely to keep them loved and protected.

I have so many questions I want to ask you and so many moments I want to share with you. It’s much harder because it is the first year you would have been a grandma to the babies we brought home.

It’s harder because of the questions it raises with answers I will simply never know, emotions I didn’t know I was feeling and a huge sadness to think that Layla and Kayden will never know their grandma.

I’ve been missing that special relationship that everyone talks about the one of the grandma and the babies. The one that is so different from the mum you were to me. That extra special dose of love and cuddles that a grandma gives to their grandchildren.

My heart aches for what they are missing out on and for the first time this year my grief is selfless and that is a very new feeling. Most years I have stopped and thought about your passing and MY loss. This year I think about THEIR loss.

What I do know though is that I carry you in my heart and I hope that what I share with Layla and Kayden will help them to have a life filled with happy thoughts of a grandma that might have been.

No need to try again!

I have often written about throw away comments made by not only friends and family but also strangers.

Often these comments are human nature in our need to communicate with each other. They are said with no thought and are a comment meant with no harm.

Interestingly when I walk around with the twins in the pram I get stopped as people want to ask if they are twins. Once their gender is revealed (although obvious to me…girl with bow in her hair, boy without) they state oh how lucky, job done, one of each.

The men often look at Neil when saying job done and no need to go again. I guess it’s derived from the 2.4 children old fashioned family make up.

I, of course, smile the smile I have become accustomed to. The one that says politely yes that’s true with a hint of you are funny. This smile hopefully hides the emotions inside the real truth with the desire of not upsetting said stranger.

Some of my friends have also asked if Neil and I would want more babies. This question is often asked with no malice and without true understanding of the complexities to bring home Layla and Kayden.

Unfortunately due to IVF and my age I am not blessed to be one of those people that decides I want another baby, who then starts trying and instantly falls pregnant.

My first round of IVF resulted in giving me fertility issues that I didn’t previously have. Please don’t misunderstand this as resentful as IVF also gave us Layla and Kayden.

Realistically it means I am a forty one year old woman with one Fallopian tube resulting in under 13% chance of falling pregnant naturally.

If you have read my previous blogs then you will know that with this limited chance we did in fact fall pregnant naturally after our first round. A pregnancy that only got to 8 weeks before we were told that the heartbeat we had seen had stopped.

Therefore Neil and I know that it is not impossible and it is in fact a possibility that we could fall pregnant naturally, it’s just very low odds!

When most people embark on IVF they hope to get as many blastocysts as possible to give them the best chance in getting pregnant and the hope that in the future there could be a sibling for the much wanted bundle of joy.

When people fall pregnant naturally and don’t experience loss, miscarriage or any fertility issues they often discuss their options and if they would like to grow their family.

Yet for me I am riddled with guilt when I am asked this question or it is perceived that the job is done and there is no more need to extend the family.

I feel guilty because I am so truly blessed to have our twins. I see on the IVF forums and baby loss support groups how many people are struggling to have and or bring home their much wanted baby.

I know that Neil and I went through a very difficult journey with so many traumas, operations, injections, scans, miscarriages, births and deaths. So I know how truly blessed (or lucky) we are to have our twins.

Therefore I question why I would even want anymore babies. I have an extended family which now includes two biological children and two daughters that I did not deliver into the world.

I am confused with my guilt as I knew I always wanted to bring home biological children. It never undermined the love I have for Alissa and Amy.

I knew that when we cremated Kora and Ava there would come a time when we would want to try again and this was never going to be to replace our loss, how could it be?!

Wanting more children even when we are blessed enough to have a beautiful family is indeed a very natural feeling. I am unsure why it plagues me with so much guilt.

I look at our family and I know that we are blessed and something hits me overwhelmingly…a question, why would we need anymore when what we have is so perfect?

Then the voice of reason inside my head tells me that it’s ok to want to love more after all there is so much love to give.

Wanting more does not undermine the intense and magical love I have with my children. Wanting more does not mean that any of them are not already enough.

I am unsure if other people who did not face the struggles Neil and I did even have this guilt or worry about thinking of extending their family!

I look at my family now with pride and grief. I know that we should have two beautiful (nearly 3 year old) identical twin girls. I think about how hectic and wonderful life would have been with two sets of twins.

All I really know is that if in fact this is “job done” I can not express in words how perfect that ‘job’ was.

I won’t look back on my life and regret not having more children as my life is surrounded with love and joy.

Our family is perfect and if the love I have to give is showered only on what we already hold then I am the luckiest woman alive!

DNA

A friend visited our home the other day and whilst looking at Kayden she said how much he looked like Neil and asked jokingly if there was any of my DNA in him.

She then went onto say that I just housed him for 9 months. Firstly I would like to state that this friend meant no hurt in her comments and was only joshing light heartedly.

However her words resonated with me and I thought about how for the majority of woman they fall pregnant quickly with or without trying and their pregnancies progress as expected.

Although Neil and I have had the experience of falling pregnant quickly our pregnancies have never followed the routine progress. This pregnancy where we brought Layla and Kayden home was so far from just housing them for 8 months (not 9).

This pregnancy was through IVF. We chose this due to our age and following losing one fallopian tube previously, even though we had fallen pregnant naturally following that procedure.

Therefore before I could “house” our babies I had to follow what is called a long protocol of IVF. This was to collect my eggs ready for them to be put with Neil’s sperm in a dish.

Before we could even start IVF we had to fill out forms, declare if we have ever had any involvement with social services and have a HIV test. Something people falling naturally are never asked to do.

Day 1 is the start of the woman’s period and when you start to inject. Neil injected me into my stomach twice a day for 4-6 weeks. That’s a minimum of 56 injections.

These injections are to stimulate the ovaries. During this stage I was checked via ultrasound scans and blood tests to monitor the growth and development of the follicles. Of course the ultrasounds were internal not external on my stomach.

When the scans showed the growth to be sufficient I was given an exact time to take a trigger injection. This is so that I could have the intrusive procedure to collect my eggs. As pictured below to give you an idea.

We were told straight away how many eggs were collected (16). We surpassed the doctors and ours expectations. We got a phone call the next day to say if any of the eggs fertilised with Neil’s sperm. The norm is half the eggs or just under. However some couples get great numbers but end with none being fertilised. We were told that 9 fertilised.

However then comes the gruelling 5 days wait to see if they mature to blastocyst stage ready to be transferred. Some couples don’t get any eggs to this stage and have none to transfer come day 5. Again we were very fortunate that 6 of our eggs made it to day 5.

During this time I continue with further injections preparing the lining of my womb for the eggs to be transferred and hopefully implant. I also had the pleasure of inserting pessaries into my vagina twice a day for weeks to help with the lining of the womb.

As we had been successful with getting to day 5 we then had to go to the clinic for the eggs to be transferred into my womb. Due to my age they recommended two eggs be transferred as it gives an extra 5% chance of a pregnancy happening.

Our first round we didn’t make it to our official test day as I bleed before then. It was a miscarriage of one of the embryos. The other went into my Fallopian tube.

There is only a 2% chance of this happening during IVF. The risk is so low that our clinic didn’t even mention it. Unfortunately this meant that I then had to have an operation as no one picked up I was in fact pregnant but the baby was now nearly 7 weeks old growing in my tube.

I lost my tube and we lost the baby. I can’t explain how devastating it is to see a baby growing perfectly with a heart fluttering only for it to be thrown on a cremation pile along with my tube and other peoples limbs etc.

I then had to come to terms that my chances of conceiving naturally at my age with one tube had just dramatically fallen to only 13% chance.

Of course we had two rounds before we were blessed to bring home Layla and Kayden so this meant two transfer procedures and a further 50+ injections and numerous more pessaries. This time it is a short protocol, we did all of the same minus the egg collection as we already had our 4 embryos in the freezer.

For us it was our second round that was successful resulting in a twin pregnancy. This was our 5th pregnancy in just over two years.

During my pregnancy I had to continue the pessaries up till 10 weeks of pregnancy. I then had to take aspirin from week 10 every night throughout the whole pregnancy due to hitting risk factors.

Also because I was deemed at risk in my pregnancy I had to start taking blood clot injections form week 20 till 6 weeks after I gave birth.

This was another further 154 injections this time into my thighs rather than my stomach. All of this does not include the birth which itself was very traumatic.

So I guess from my perspective I did so much more than just house our babies for 8 months. I had so many physical bruises from injections and then there is the strain of cost over £15,000. We were not entitled to any NHS funding as I had fallen pregnant naturally with Kora and Ava.

The emotional impact is just so hard to explain. The hormones that you inject plus the waiting, worrying and often heartache. You also don’t want to know how many of my knickers were ruined from the pessaries.

This short blog does not do any justice to IVF and how incredibly taxing it is emotionally and physically. However I hope that it gives a little more understanding of just what some couples endure to bring home their bundle of joy or joys in our case.

There is no guarantee after all those injections and pessaries that you will even get a positive pregnancy test or that you will bring home your baby/babies. As a 40 year old woman I had only 9% chance of IVF being successful according to the NHS statistics.

I feel incredibly blessed to have what we have and to watch them grow and develop. I honestly can’t shout out enough to all of those going through IVF or similar just what amazing warriors you are!

The season to be jolly

It is the most magical time of year and the season to be jolly, at least that’s what we all anticipate at Christmas time.

The truth is that it is far from that for many and for very different reasons. This year for Neil and I, it is truly magical and jolly to be celebrating our first one with the babies we brought home!

It is however a very bittersweet time of year for us. On the 20th December Kora and Ava would have been three years old. We can only imagine how amazing this Christmas could have been with them at an age of awareness.

It’s hard to believe that three years has past. Now and then I get their photos out from the drawer and look at their perfect little bodies.

The festive season changed for me a little at the loss of my mum who adored Christmas but after the loss of Kora and Ava it changed significantly. The magic and joy diminished.

I know there are many people who face a Christmas without a loved one and for some it will be their first Christmas without a loved one. Although we seek inside that magical feeling, it isn’t the same when people you love are missing.

When all you long for is a kiss or a hug especially from our babies that live in our hearts and not our arms.

Although Christmas will never be the same again and we will have days of grief, this year my heart is also so very full of love and magic to come.

I will embrace Christmas so thankfully this year and grieve positively through the wonders I behold in Layla and Kayden.

I will hold onto the memories we are making and know that these memories would have been achieved with Kora and Ava.

I will look into our babies faces to see the wonder and joy of a sparkly tree in the house and the twinkly lights that adorn the arches and mantelpiece.

I will hold onto and enjoy every single little moment, knowing that even if they are too young to really know the magic of this time of year they are giving it to us.

I will embrace every Christmas from now and ensure that I put all our loss and grief into making the most wonderful and magical Christmases.

I can only hope that I will achieve what my mum (and my dad) gifted to me, the wonderment of this time of year, the excitement and the love.

I hope that I pass this onto our family and make it so special for Amy, Alissa, Layla and Kayden. I hope that they will pass this down to their children if blessed to bring some home.

So this Christmas I will raise a glass for the ones we have loved and lost but I will also hug the ones that are with us that so much harder.

Tears, patience, hope and love