Mummy struggles

The twins were 5 months old yesterday. I can’t quite believe that time has passed already. That’s roughly 152 days! Of which I would say I have absolutely enjoyed and fully appreciated 150 of those days!

I think most Mums or Dads would feel guilty for saying that and I am really hard on myself for saying such a thing as we went through so much loss to bring home the twins. I feel as though I should never have a bad day as I’m so blessed to have them.

Yet I was struggling yesterday (normally for a hour or so before I pull myself together). I never thought I would feel lonely as a mum to newborns but quite often that is how I feel.

I don’t mind my own company I never have done but I don’t like to feel lonely. I think I feel this due to the pandemic and not being able to access baby groups until the last few weeks.

Even when I have accessed the groups I’ve not really spoken to any mums in the group and all of the people attending them have just one baby. I find that I don’t stop in the groups as I have to meet the needs of two babies and therefore have little time to engage with others.

On occasions like yesterday when I am desperately trying to get to the hospital early to get Kayden’s blood tests done I find things don’t go to plan.

I arrived at the hospital car park and went to put the babies in the pram when the smell was overpowering! I knew I had to change both babies bottoms! So before I could even get to the blood test I had to stop at a baby change to change both of them.

I had fed both babies just before we left for the hospital so that I knew that at least they had eaten. I also packed 4 bottles to take with me to cover every eventuality such as long wait times or a bottle leaking in the bag etc.

The twins are a little more grisly at the moment as they both have the tail end of conjunctivitis and bronchitis (child form). They are also both teething at the same time.

They have also started napping now they are growing and learning so much more and can’t get a little upset when they don’t get their nap at the time they need it such as when they are taken to hospital during that time!

So when I got to the window to check in Layla had an absolute melt down. Now this girl has a set of lungs on her so everyone stares! I don’t mind that she cries (even on a day like yesterday when I have a splitting headache) after all she is a baby and it’s her only way of telling me there is something wrong.

Now I knew it wasn’t a change of nappy as I had just done that. I offered food as her bowels were empty even though I had also recently given her some but she kept screaming.

I comforted her in my arms and tried to see if she had wind as her screaming worsened and sounded like she was in pain. I stood in the hospital corridor singing gently to her.

A nurse from inside the ward came out to check what was happening as Layla was so loud and persistent. Again I’ll repeat Layla crying like this does not bother me however I am filled with emotions with others looking, assuming, judging or clearly annoyed.

Kayden had also started crying in the pram and I had Layla in my arms and was feeding a bottle to Kayden when the nurse appeared. She was very lovely and offered to mark me down for bloods while I sorted the twins.

After a few minutes they both stopped crying and I was able to enter the waiting room. I knew however the situation was like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute.

Luckily the wait wasn’t too long and I managed to have Layla on my legs and Kayden in my arms to the side and kept them occupied until I was called.

However when we got into the room Layla started to cry as her bottle I had just started to feed her had been interrupted. A nurse took over for me while I held Kayden for his blood test.

When it was done both babies were put in the pram and started crying. They were both tiered and out of routine. They are usually very placid and happy. They cried in their car seats all the way home and I don’t mind being honest and saying I turned up the radio a little to drown them out.

After all I was driving and there was nothing I could do for either of them at this point. By the time I pulled up at home they were both asleep.

I managed to get them in the house whilst still sleeping and thought that I might finally have 10-20 minutes of time to write this blog (which helps me) or catch my breath and get some chores done. However this was not to be the case today!

My phone rang loudly and I grabbed it to answer it before it woke the babies as they were in a light sleep. At this point the dog jumped on my lap with excitement and knocked my much needed red bull can all over the floor, walls and sofa. This now needed to be cleaned up.

Our cat Molly was meowing at me every time I walked past with cleaning products as she wanted food so whilst juggling the phone and cleaning up the mess I also fed her too.

I am also a mum to Alissa (foster daughter) who I hadn’t seen since yesterday afternoon as she works and gets up later than us. So instead I sat and listened to her night at work and how she was feeling today.

I did this because I am her mum too and I try to fit everyone in and support the whole family. By the time we finished talking and Alissa left the house with the door shutting the babies woke (well Kayden woke first closely followed by Layla).

This only took me to 11am and I felt exhausted! It probably doesn’t help that it is that time of the month for me and no one quite prepares you for the periods after child birth (at least until your body settles a little and especially after twins).

I’m not exhausted due to the babies even with disturbed sleep. To be fair to them they sleep pretty well it’s my own anxiety that wakes me to every slightest noise that is made.

I sat with the twins and looked around the house at the washing of their clothes that were still on the line from when I did the wash yesterday.

I looked at the pile of clean washing that needed to be put away and the ever increasing dirty washing that needed to be done. I knew that the chances of me getting to any of that was very slim.

Sometimes I feel like I’m running a marathon but the finish line is never in sight. Even if I have a bath in the evening to sit and relax I can guarantee Layla will get wind at this moment in time and start crying in pain.

I find it impossible to relax in the bath at this point even though I know Neil will cope wonderfully with her.

I’m exhausted because I don’t feel like I have enough hours in the day to fulfil the role of mum and wife, work to pay our bills and to do the chores I need to do. I’m exhausted because I walk the dog twice a day and try my hardest to keep the house tidy and clean as well as be the best mum I can be to all the family.

Being a mum to the twins may make me feel like I struggle now and then or feel a little overwhelmed and of course extremely guilty for saying it after all we have been through to be this blessed!

It’s hard to imagine that anything in my future would be harder than cremating Kora and Ava. Being a mum to babies that you hold in your heart not in your arms is the toughest mum you can ever be! So to sit here and write a blog that admits I struggle (not often but I do) is a very hard task to undertake.

Yet I look at the beautiful babies that I’m lucky enough to hold in my arms and get rewarded with the most amazing smiles and cutest giggles and whatever exhaustion I’m feeling disappears into the background and I know that all these feelings are normal and it’s ok to admit the struggles yet still be the happiest and most grateful mum in the world.

Reflection

I have always believed vanity to mean a person that has an excessive pride or admiration of their own appearance or achievements.

According to the above definition I wouldn’t consider myself a vain person but I know that I care about my appearance.

I will take time to plan an outfit. I obsessively buy clothes because I never feel like I look nice in anything I put on. I can find a flaw in everything I see in my reflection.

I did this before I was pregnant with Kora and Ava and after I had Layla and Kayden. I still followed a healthy diet during pregnancy and put on 2 stone 5lbs in my pregnancy. I felt this was a healthy weight gain considering I was carrying twins again.

I made sure I ate, as the most important thing to me was ensuring I was providing for our babies as growing them and bringing them home was the only thing on my mind.

Five months on from bringing Layla and Kayden home I find myself struggling with the reflection in the mirror and then struggling with my conscience and guilt for even thinking about how I look when I have two amazing babies.

Yet I don’t know why I should feel guilty? I have always been conscious of how I present myself and just because I have had numerous pregnancies and brought home two amazing babies it doesn’t mean I have to stop who I was before.

Sometimes I find that many people say don’t worry about that you have these two now. I understand why they say it but I also think my health is important too. It’s not just physical but mental too. If I am more confident in my appearance then my mindset is more positive.

If my mindset is more positive then surely this is more beneficial to my family and the babies that I live and breath for.

I don’t remember anyone talking to me about the changes to my body during and after pregnancy. I hear lots of birth mums talk about their body shape and it never being the same again.

Maybe I choose not to listen to this as my pregnancy was full of anxiety to bring the babies home so the last thing on my mind was myself or my figure after the birth.

I do remember being told constantly to breast feed as it helps get your weight off after the birth. Unfortunately I had to give up breastfeeding due to my iron levels and blood loss.

I’ve also been told that after a c section a woman always has a belly that she can’t shift. Yet I know women that have had c sections and don’t have a belly.

I’d love to hit the gym right now and exercise or even go for runs to burn the fat but it’s just not realistic. I also then question myself for wanting to do this as time in the gym is time away from the twins!

I’m not sure where the hours go each day but they go and before I know it’s night time. What I do know is my average steps per day is around 14,000.

I don’t stop all day whether I’m walking the dog twice a day, up and down the stairs to the nursery or generally up and down getting nappies, milk or other things. Yet the tummy I have doesn’t seem to reduce.

Then there are the stretch marks. I think on the whole i have been very fortunate and don’t have too many especially after carrying twins but the ones I have are right under my belly button. They look so ugly to me.

I have seen the posts and positive quotes about how these are the scars of bearing children and we should be proud of them. I understand this sentiment and think it’s a beautiful way to feel yet I was a mum without stretch marks. I was a mum who had no marks to show for my angels or my step and foster daughter.

I know that what I see and what others see maybe different and I know that only my husband and I see my body in it’s full “glory”. This is a small saving grace for my own well being!

Yet when I was tagged into photos the other day (fully dressed) I felt my eyes well up at the sight of me. I looked so huge (admittedly the photo was from the side view which has to be the worst position right)? It didn’t help that o was stood next to a very slim and cute singer. Yet in the pit of my stomach I felt disgusted looking at myself.

I look at recent photos and I see the bags under my eyes and I must admit I contemplate Botox. Yet I remind myself I have twins and I’m tiered, so very tiered. I also remind myself that my photos have no filters, my wrinkles are all my own and my lips are not filled.

I don’t like my photo being taken and this upsets me even more as I will never get any of this time again with my family and babies so if I want to capture it to look back on then photos and videos are the perfect answer.

I will go as far as to say I even hate to undress in front of my husband and my mind tells me he looks repulsed at what he sees in front of him now even if his words and actions say something different.

The most important part of me feeling better or even good about myself is that I don’t want Kayden or Layla growing up feeling embarrassed of who they are. I don’t want them to feel pressured to look or act a certain way.

Therefore I return to my comment about not worrying about my body or how I look when I have the twins and I can’t help but think that if I can start to feel good about myself then this is the positive image I will present to them.

I’m not saying I have to be a size 10 (it’s been a long time since I was the tiny size 8)! I also look back on photos from then and feel I look too skinny. Always my own worst critic.

I’m not sure it’s a certain size I want to be but rather a flatter figure and more healthy mindset. I want the confidence to feel ok and walk out the door not worrying about how I look or making sure I piled on the dark circles concealer!

I’m not writing this for compliments, as I’m awful at accepting them and won’t believe them either, but rather because I want others to know it’s ok to feel different about yourself after giving birth. It’s ok to struggle with the changes in your body.

The one thing I have learnt and that I hold onto so very dearly is that I am so so lucky to have my beautiful twins and more importantly the way they look at me with the love oozing from every inch of them, it’s clear they don’t care one bit the way I look!!!

So it is that I hold onto when I’m having a rubbish day or my confidence is rock bottom. What Neil and I have been through to bring our babies home and the pure innocent love that fills my heart.

Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder and I have two sets of eyes that look at me as if I’m the best thing in the world. Something I do have believe and confidence in is that I am beautiful inside and that is definitely more important.

Tick box

Tuesday evening I was coming home from work and walked indoors at about 8:50pm. I was met by Neil holding Kayden.

This is unusual as he is normally asleep then and both our babies are quite placid and only need comforting when something is needed.

Neil was in the kitchen checking on our dinner, Kayden and Layla were in their safe and supposedly secure nursing pillow. Neil had just got into the kitchen which is three steps away when he heard a thud!

Kayden had somehow over powered the nursing pillow and had fallen onto the floor from the sofa.

Neil believes he hit his head on the coffee table in front of the sofa as Kayden was laying face down on the floor. He had a bump on his head and a scratch on his upper eyelid.

Neil thought we should stay at home and monitor him but I felt as it was a head injury and we were unsure of what happened exactly we should take him to the hospital.

This was a big decision as Kayden’s blood results showed that his neutrophils were still dangerously low at 0.4 this time. Taking him into the hospital with all the bacteria is a dangerous environment for him.

On the car journey up there, Neil looked at me in a way that I recognised as worry that I blamed him. He asked me if I was ok. I think he expected me to be upset or angry with him.

I wasn’t. I was worried about how I manage on my own with the babies and how I can assure their safety at those times.

When we arrived at the hospital they put us in an area on our own so we reduced the risk of Kayden getting infections. We were seen quite swiftly at first.

When the doctor evaluated Kayden he said he was happy that it was minor and was going to discharge us. He then spoke with his supervisor and came back to ask us to show him a picture of what Kayden was in.

They decided that we should be assessed by a paediatric doctor to ensure that Kayden didn’t have anymore marks on his body and that they were going to refer us to social services Multi Agency Safeguarding team.

Neil wanted to walk out of the hospital as it was getting so late now and the babies were becoming unsettled. He was also very angry at the decision.

Of course we didn’t walk out but I did speak my mind to the nurse and doctor. I couldn’t quite believe that they made us walk Kayden through the majority of the hospital to the ward.

They put Kayden at more risk than he has ever been in so they could assess whether we were safe, loving and nurturing parents.

I told them how disappointed I was that they would put him at risk to supposedly safeguard him and tick their boxes.

When I started I found I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t rude but I raised the fact that we lost Kora and Ava and we’re not scanned within protocol.

I expressed how they have changed how they deal with MCMA twins since our loss and that if we had received the care we should have got maybe just maybe they would be alive today.

I spoke about the visual autopsy and the fact the results should have been given to us within 6 weeks yet we waited 6 months for confirmation of asphyxiation.

I told them how hard it was for grieving parents to wait day in and day out to be given the results and how disappointed we were in being overlooked.

I spoke about the bereavement service and how she referred to Kora and Ava being alien like in looks as they were earlier than 24 weeks.

I mentioned our recent miscarriage before Kayden and Layla when we were overlooked due to the pandemic. Another baby lost because they didn’t meet the procedures and protocols they should follow.

I raised that I was forgotten about when I delivered the twins and although my levels were low enough to indicate I should have a blood transfusion I wasn’t given it until almost a week later when I required 2 pints.

I talked about Kayden’s placenta being cut when they made the incision for the c section resulting in him coming out not breathing.

I ended with the fact that to tick a box and check that Neil and I are decent parents they made us walk our son through the hospital putting him at risk of catching an infection!

We have been let down so significantly by the hospital not fulfilling their requirements yet they had the audacity to assess our capabilities to look after our children appropriately.

This was the first time we had attended the hospital. Kayden had not been in numerous times for accidents. I am still unsure why they felt the need to tick their box on this occasion.

The doctor listened to what I said and suggested I contact the hospital as the only way they could change their processes is with feedback. He told us that he could clearly see that Kayden is a loved and very happy baby. He had no concerns.

Needless to say when I took the call from the Social worker she informed me that they would be closing the case with no action required.

I did ask if I was missing something in my inexperience with having the twins. I asked about how I go to the toilet when I’m on my own with them as it means leaving them unattended in a safe place (like they were when Kayden fell)!

I asked how I get two babies in from the car as it means one is unattended and both are left alone at one time either indoors or in the car as I carry them in one by one safely.

I was told by her that I am absolutely doing my best and they don’t have the answers with twins. She also recommended that I write to the hospital in relation to putting Kayden at risk to tick that box.

I have been left feeling hurt and a little angry. Our twins are loved so much and we went through so much to have them here in our arms. The thought that a professional might think that we would do anything to hurt them is heartbreaking.

The fact that they put Kayden at risk to assess him and us is disgraceful. The thought of him getting an infection that he can’t fight and being hospitalised is unbearable.

Finally as a mum who is new to the baby aspect of mothering, it has made me worry more than I already did! It has knocked my confidence and undermined me.

Neil and I would never do anything to harm any of our children (step, foster/bonus or biological). We work hard at being parents and hope that we achieve our best with love and nurture.

We will of course make mistakes and have done with our eldest two (Amy and Alissa). However these mistakes are not harmful. There is no guidebook to being a parent and all we can do is apologise, learn and do our very best!

Abstract

I spend the majority of my time with the twins even when I’m working they are at home with me. I believe in the 18 weeks of their lives I have had less than 50 hours away from them.

Some of the reason for this is because I put pressure on myself to be the one that provides for their every need and I want to be the person to instil their values and beliefs.

I want to be the person with Neil responsible for raising kind hearted, considerate and happy children who remain this as they turn into adults. I want to be the mum that raises a son who respects women and wouldn’t deliberately hurt anyone.

I want to be the mum that raises a daughter who is strong, resilient and not afraid to have her voice heard in a positive manner.

I have all these ideas of what I want for my children and many of these derived from before when we were trying and when we were pregnant with Kora and Ava.

Yet somehow I find myself forgetting that I am mum. When I think of myself I don’t think to describe myself as a mum. It’s all so very abstract.

Last Mother’s Day I got so many messages as I was near my due date saying happy 1st Mother’s Day. I found this very difficult as I discussed before, as you see I’ve been a mum for many years. I was a foster mum, a step mum and a biological mum to angels.

Now I am all of the above and a biological mum to Layla and Kayden. My life has changed so much this year and it is a whirlwind of nappies, poo, feeds, disturbed sleep, crying, consoling, love and laughter.

It’s the most bizarre situation as each day rolls into the next. I find myself carrying on with the everyday with a constant feeling of being blessed and no matter how isolated I feel or lonely I know that I am so truly lucky to have what we have.

I get on with every task I can throughout the day whether it’s seeing to the twins, working or supporting/spending time with Alissa or Amy. Yet somehow I do it without considering myself a mum.

When I talk about myself I automatically mention my job role and give myself the title of sign language interpreter without even hesitating. I’ve worked hard for this role and am proud of what I have achieved.

However, I have worked even harder to be a mum to so many babies and children. I started this blog to raise awareness and challenge perspectives around the definition of a mum, fertility, IVF and miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

I have challenged the world when they have not seen me as a mum because my babies died or because I didn’t give birth to the young adult that Neil and I are raising.

I questioned their statements such as I will understand the love more when I have my OWN babies. Statements that undermine my role as a mum to Alissa and Amy (albeit non biological and with respect to birth mums).

These statements that dismiss Kora and Ava because they didn’t take a breath. That undermine just how special and beautiful they are.

What I do know though is that my heart swells with love and pride the moment Amy or Alissa pick up the babies or see to a need. I feel overwhelmed sometimes with just how special and wonderful our family is even if it is unconventional.

I know that I have two extraordinarily wonderful babies that look at me with their beautiful eyes and make my heart melt every time.

I know that I have two babies that have very different personalities and some very common traits to each other that make me feel so very proud.

I know that when they smile or giggle at me just because they see my face there is no better feeling in the world.

I know that we have missed out on this with Kora and Ava and it makes my heart so very sad and heavy.

I know that I get the same warm feeling inside when Alissa or Amy give me a cuddle or a kiss on the cheek.

I know that at this particular moment in time no one actually calls me mum and it is possibly this that makes it so abstract and surreal.

It is probably this that makes me not instantly refer to myself as a mum or feel strange when I hear someone refer to me as mum.

But what I do know more than anything is I love all of them more than there are stars in the sky and I am truly the luckiest mum in the world thanks to every one of them, even if I don’t think of myself instantly as one!

The phone call

Two weeks ago I took Kayden to his hospital appointment. It was a check up in relation to his jitters/movements.

On the very first appointment they had taken his bloods and wrote to us to say his neutrophils were low but that is normal in babies aged 5-8 weeks. He was 6 weeks old at the time of the blood test.

This time the consultant was extremely pleased with his progress and his jittery movements are no longer present. She also looked at his flat head and stated that it was due to being back to back to me in the womb and would probably resolve within 2 years.

Neil and I were so relieved to hear that Kayden was developing as expected and he was discharged from the hospital. It turned out that everything we were seeing in Kayden was linked to his traumatic birth and all would fade in time.

Two days later my phone rang and it was no caller ID. I answered the call and it was the consultant from the hospital. I assumed she had called for something trivia that had been forgotten.

However she started by saying Kayden’s blood test results were back from the lab. My heart instantly sank! Everyone knows that if your results come back and you get a phone call it usually means something isn’t quite right.

The consultant informed me that Kayden’s neutrophils level was still low at 0.5 and they should be 1 or above. She went on to explain that she would like him to have three further blood tests over a 9 week period.

This was to monitor if the levels go up at any point during the cycle. Ideally this is what we are looking and hoping for. She also said that they would like to test Layla as they are twins.

The consultant also said that we have a yellow card for open access to the children’s assessment unit. This is because with the level Kayden has he can’t fight bacterial infection himself.

If Kayden gets a fever then we are to take him straight to the hospital so they can put him on an antibiotic drip.

After the three blood tests if his levels haven’t risen then they will carry out further tests. The consultant did not go into detail at this point.

Of course I had previously used my friend/enemy google when the level was initially low at 6 weeks. I did this for knowledge and to prepare myself.

What I discovered is that if his levels remain low then this is called neutropenia. There are four different types;

Congenital (from birth) it causes the low neutrophils count and puts infants at risk for serious infections.

Cyclic (present at birth) this is what the consultant is checking as in the 21 day cycle of blood the count can change. This means that the low neutrophils last a few days and the rest of the time they are at a normal level.

Autoimmune neutropenia is where the body makes antibodies that fight your neutrophils. These antibodies kill the neutrophils, causing neutropenia. This is the most common but is not usually diagnosed till 7-9 months old.

Idiopathic neutropenia develops any time in life and can affect anyone the cause is unknown.

Other causes for low neutrophils are diabetes type 1, leukaemia, viral illness, anemia, deficiency in certain vitamins such as folic acid or B12. However as I am not a medical professional I am not sure which of these might apply to a baby like Kayden.

We now have to wait up to 9 weeks for the three blood tests to be carried out to find out if it is which neutropenia he has.

Depending on which one is present babies can grow out of it by the time they are 5 years of age and go onto live a healthy lifestyle.

Some of the information I have read states that I may have passed this on through the pregnancy. I guess I will have to wait and see if this is our case. At the moment the guilt is eating me up!

Ultimately I am very teary as you can imagine. Every parent wants their baby to be healthy and the thought of him getting an infection that he can’t fight petrifies me! I’m also worried that I won’t recognise he has a temperature in time to get him to the hospital and delay any treatment.

The consultant assured me that Neil and I are to keep Kayden’s life the same as it was and as a twin it is very important that we don’t affect Layla’s life by being over protective of them both and reducing their social events.

It is more important that they have the cuddles that they deserve, the love that they have from so many people and the opportunity to develop and meet their milestones like any other babies.

I am trying not to worry too much until we know what we are dealing with however after our losses it is very hard not to let my anxiety get the better of me.

All babies are precious whether they made it to their parents arms or stayed in their arms or hands for a while or grow up in their parents arms.

Layla was already taken away from us for a few days when she was in intensive care which broke me at the time. I don’t want Kayden to spend time in and out of hospital and I want them both to be in my arms all day everyday for the rest of my life.

I hope that I have passed on my resilience to them both but I also hope that in their lives they don’t have to use it too often or for anything serious.

I hope that I can use my own resilience to make it through the 9 weeks without my anxiety becoming overbearing. I hope that I can muster up my usual positivity and smile everyday.

I’m sure with being blessed in having them both here in my arms and hearing them both start to giggle I will have so much to focus on and laugh about that they will make each day a little easier.

I don’t know how!

I try to make my blog true to its origins of talking about pregnancy loss. I notice that the interaction is often a lot less when I talk about this. It is still very much a taboo subject.

Raising awareness around this subject is still and probably even more important to me, now that I am blessed to hold our twins in my arms.

Today it is 3 years since our first pregnancy where we were told our identical twin girls had no heartbeats. The day I took a pill to start the delivery of our babies.

Today I sit here on this anniversary holding our twin daughter and son. Today and everyday of their life I feel the most blessed person in the world.

Today I am going to the hospital with Kayden and Layla for his consultation. Today I visit the very place I sat 3 years ago when we were told Kora and Ava had no heartbeats.

Today I don’t know how to grieve!

I’m not sure if I grieve a little harder now than before as each milestone the twins reach I think about Kora and Ava and wonder if they would have met the milestones at similar times.

I grieve a little more vigorously as I am seeing right in front of my eyes what should have been. I grieve a little diligently because this weekend we heard Kayden laugh for the first time, a milestone Kora and Ava never got to achieve.

Today is a day that I find the hardest of them all. Delivering Kora and Ava was something I had to do. Hearing the words “I’m sorry there are no heartbeats” was the last thing I expected.

My whole world came crashing down and every bit of hope, faith and belief I had around bringing them home, shattered. I have never felt pain like it.

Today, I look at Kayden and Layla and my heart skips a beat. It’s the love I knew before but this time I get to shower them with it. I get to hold them and kiss every inch of their body.

Today I am filled with a sadness that many will never understand. I am also overwhelmed with a guilt that my loss will affect our beautiful twins we brought home.

Today I stand in what was Kora and Ava’s nursery picking out Layla and Kayden’s outfit from the wardrobes that should have held their clothes.

I stand in a room that is being decorated to become Layla and Kayden’s nursery now. A nursery that was once decorated for Kora and Ava.

Today I will probably laugh because of something Layla or Kayden will do. Today guilt might stab my heart a little stronger for laughing on what is the saddest day.

Today I will look into their eyes and not yours and I will love them more intensively because we were so blessed to bring them home.

Today I will remember how fortunate we are to have carried them out of the hospital in their car seats and not to have carried them into the crematorium in a small white coffin.

Today I will thank you for everything you gave us and taught us. I might love Layla and Kayden differently because of you both and that is more profoundly and more passionately.

Today I might count my blessings yet tears will still fall. Time passing has not made life without you any easier.

Today I might be a mum to your younger sister and brother. Today I might feel grateful for what I have, yet broken for what I don’t.

Today I might not know how to face this anniversary or grieve your loss in a respectful way that protects Layla and Kayden.

Today I might hug them a little tighter. Today I might kiss them a little more often. Today I might look into their faces and study every aspect of them over and over again.

Today the emptiness in my heart might show a little more.

Today I am still YOUR mum too. Today and always.

Rookie mistake

A rookie mistake (a basic mistake that a person with no experience might make). I have often written about the fact that I have been a mother for many years however being a mum to babies is new to me.

It’s terrifying that I am making mistakes on these precious twins. It’s devastating that I make mistakes with Amy and Alissa too however as they are older I am able to apologise or talk about it.

I’ve also never nearly killed Amy or Alissa! Yet my rookie mistake that could have been fatal lead to many friends and mothers recount their errors and tell me their similar experiences.

I had a bad day, you know the one where everything doesn’t go to plan and somehow things keep going wrong. I was walking the dog and got delayed due to the things going wrong.

This meant I didn’t get home in time for the twins feed. I had packed bottles in the bag and so sat on the bench and got Kayden out first to feed him.

It was very peaceful and tranquil and for a split second I thought to myself that even though the day had started badly and everything was going wrong, I had got this!

I had a little wave of confidence and felt proud that I was in fact doing a good job as mum, to the twins.

At that precise moment my dog Flick went charging towards the pond chasing something. I had attached her lead to the pram so it toppled over onto its side.

Everyone around the pond looked with a sigh of relief as they saw Kayden in my arms. The woman nearest me had seen I had twins and jumped to her feet to take Kayden so I could get Layla.

When all the others realised I had twins they all came rushing over to help. I was distraught and tears were flowing. Layla was on her side against the side of the pram. She had obviously hit her head on the side of the pram.

I don’t know how she remained in the pram as I don’t have it zipped up. I keep it open and the twins on show. This is not because I want to show them off to the world but because of when Layla was sick and cut her airways off.

I have an anxiety about being able to see them so I know they are both ok. Layla had been in the pram unzipped so I could keep an eye on her as I fed Kayden.

Layla was crying but appeared ok and was consoled in about five minutes. She asked for the bottle of milk that should have been given to her next and was sat on my knee smiling as I spoke to a doctor on 111.

The guilt was overwhelming! This tiny little human that I brought into the world had forgiven me in seconds and was grinning from ear to ear at the face she recognised, with what was obviously affection.

I’m finding that being a mother to the twins has involved a lot of guilt. I also discovered whilst working with another new mum that she too has been feeling guilty.

We both felt guilty for working and not spending every minute with our babies. We both also became teary when we talked about it.

Our guilt was from different places but a shared emotion. My guilt is embedded with grief and the pressure I put on myself because I know how fortunate I am. The pressure to be the best mum I can be and losing my confidence that I’m not meeting that aim.

The similarity was uncanny regardless of our reasons for feeling it. I felt like I was looking in a mirror at my own face. I realised that part of motherhood is guilt no matter what you have experienced previously.

I guess because it is the most important thing I have ever done in my lifetime and it doesn’t matter if my children are 22 years, 18 years or 15 weeks old, I will always question my role as a mother.

The difference is I know what it is to love and lose. It has made me appreciate everything I have been blessed with but also leaves me with an anxiety I have never had before.

It makes me want to strive for perfection even if it is an impossible task. It makes me love them all with every ounce of my being. It feeds my guilt on a daily basis. It makes me reflect and analysis my choices, decisions and actions. It makes me a mum!

Enjoy it while you can…

They grow up everyone says.

Since walking about with the pram I have been stopped on many occasions especially if people look in and spot two babies in the one carrier.

I find it interesting what people say to me. normally the first question I get is “are they twins”? I wonder if it’s the surprise of seeing two that makes them ask this question.

I think to myself how would I have two small babies otherwise! If I answered with no I stole one and the other one I gave birth to, I wonder what reaction I would get?

They then ask me the gender and I reply by saying one boy and one girl. Often I’m then asked if they are identical. This baffles me and I hold myself back from answering, well no one has a willy and the other one a vagina.

I take all these comments and questions with a pinch of salt as ultimately I am happy to talk to the world about the twins. After all we have been through enough to bring them home!

I am often surprised when people ask me if there are twins in my family or sometimes very directly ask me if the conception was natural.

Obviously I have written publicly about our IVF and the reasons we decided to undertake it. I am not embarrassed or ashamed with having a little bit of help with science after all look what we have now!

I also know that the majority of our pregnancies were natural conception and that too makes us extremely blessed.

Sometimes I answer with the truth if I get a good vibe from the person but other times I just state that I’m an old mum and therefore had more chance of having twins.

I wonder what they would answer if I asked them about how they conceived their babies? I wonder if they would see it as a personal question?

However what I never understand is the throw away comment about enjoy it now while you can they grow up or they turn into this (pointing at their older child) or they become teenagers.

Again I am amazed that they assume these are our only children and that Neil and I haven’t already been through the growing up stage with other children.

I appreciate that the majority say this statement in jest. However they continue to say how much harder it is as they grow up.

But what I find hardest with this comment is the idea that the babies are the only enjoyable time. I guess as Neil and I have lost babies we might come from a different perspective.

We treasure every moment that we have with Layla and Kayden. I don’t mind admitting that I shed a few tears when I look back on photos or box up the tiny baby and up to one month clothes.

I want them to grow and flourish and every new stage or milestone we hit gives me more butterflies in my tummy. I know I feel saddened but this is because I want to cherish and savour every moment. I want time to slow down so I can truly appreciate every moment.

We also can’t wait to love and nurture them more and more as they grow up. We look forward to the future to their first words, the day they get their teeth, first steps, day trips to the zoo and other outings, school days and teenage years.

We look forward with anticipation of what and who they will become. We hope that we instil good values and beliefs. We hope that we raise respectful, honest and loving children.

It still feels so raw to me that we have lost so many babies and that we didn’t get to bring Kora and Ava home. I guess it’s this that makes our behaviour and reflections different to others.

I still struggle often with how to answer people when they ask “are these your first”? It would be so much easier to say yes and not have to explain or feel that awkwardness. Yet I can’t bring myself to say that and dismiss Kora and Ava or our other babies.

They too mean the world to me and I can’t imagine a day when I won’t mention them or be proud of what they gave us. They too are my babies, my children.

I can’t bare the thought of them being insignificant or just some photos and bits in a memory box that’s shoved in a drawer.

Kora and Ava were the start for us. They are the reason we had hope. We knew we could have healthy babies and progress in a pregnancy because of them.

They were the reason we did IVF and the reason we are now blessed with Layla and Kayden. They gave us the strength to keep going and not give up on our dream to bring our babies home.

At times I might have felt like we couldn’t keep going on due to the heartache and I might have said this now and then to close friends but deep down there was a calling in my heart, I knew I was not ready to give up.

My love for Amy and Alissa, Kora and Ava gave me the incentive to keep going. Without all of these beautiful girls in my life I would not have had the burning desire to be a mum again.

We couldn’t be happier with our family and when people make the comment one of each so that’s it then, job done, I smile. The truth is I would do it all again and I would happily have more twins.

Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful for what we have and if we don’t do it all again then I am the happiest woman in the world but if we did do it all again and extended our family further I would also be the happiest woman alive.

I guess what I am trying to say is that comments and assumptions can be so loaded unintentionally. We often speak to others without knowing their background and what we perceive as a throw away innocent comment, could be a very difficult statement for the other person.

It’s ok how we answer and it’s nice that strangers make conversation. We have to do what feels right for us and I hope that I do this tentatively and with respect. I hope that I raise a little awareness and that I make others think.

I hope that the world keeps asking questions or making comments and I hope that my answers makes people think about how they approach their comments. I hope that I get the world talking about pregnancy loss, miscarriage, fertility, IVF with a confidence and sensitivity that it requires.

Guilt vs exhaustion

I’m unsure if I’m exhausted or burdened due to guilt or maybe I’m exhausted because of the guilt and it’s burden that I feel everyday.

I wasn’t sure whether to even write this blog due to the guilt that I feel when I think all of the thoughts in my own head before I even state them publicly.

Should I state them publicly? What if my thoughts and feelings are perceived by others as wrong or even worse selfish or self centred.

I’ll start by explaining that I am the type of person who can’t watch nature programmes as seeing anything get chased and killed upsets me and stays with me for hours. I’m also the person that is devastated when I tread on a snail and hear the shell crush under my feet.

I feel responsible for my fur baby (dog’s) change of lifestyle and her having to fit around the babies and wait longer for a walk or learn to negotiate the pram. I hear my voice chastising her again because she is licking the babies face to show them love and I cringe.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am a sensitive (often over sensitive) and an emotional person.

I was talking to a midwife who runs a coffee morning virtually and she asked how I was doing. I hesitated before I answered as I wasn’t sure what to say and a wave of guilt came crashing over me.

In the pause the midwife filled the silence with it’s ok to say you are exhausted. She knows our past and how much Layla and Kayden mean to us.

It got me thinking that she is right I am exhausted but not because of the twins as such and not in the way she meant. Im exhausted from guilt I believe.

I feel guilty to even think about saying I’m worn out as I know how many others would trade places with us. I feel guilt even thinking it when I look at our babies little faces looking up and me as I reflect on all the heartache we have been through and still face whilst raising these precious ones.

I feel culpable for even letting the thoughts enter my head when I look around the house and see the mess. People always tell me not to worry that it can wait but my babies can’t.

However they don’t live in my house or my body so have no idea of the impact an unorganised and messy house has on my everyday life or how much easier it is with twins if the house is more sorted.

Yet I feel peccant to ask for help around the house as many other mothers have had babies and managed! Plus I add the extra load of accountability that I wanted this family so badly that it should be my responsibility to maintain the standards.

The people’s statement rings in my ears when I look at my babies and know time goes so fast and is so very valuable. I know the meaning and intentions behind this statement yet everyday standard life has to continue there is no magic dust fairy and now I just feel guilt for picking up the hoover instead of my babies!

There is an even darker and more overwhelming feeling that rears it’s ugly head and that is the guilt I have when I shed a tear at the upcoming anniversary of Kora and Ava.

Layla and Kayden’s eyes study my face so innocently and I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach whilst I chastise myself for letting my grief affect me and wonder if it affects them too!

I don’t expect others to understand this grief and shedding of tears. In fact just yesterday when I bumped into some people they spoke very openly about how the pain goes away now that I have these babies in my arms.

I know it must be so hard for others to understand if they have not experienced such loss. I also know it must seem so surreal to them as they never met or held Kora or Ava. They don’t have their hospital wrist bands or photographs to look at.

I also realise that when this is said it is often meant with only thought and love for Layla and Kayden. The guilt rises again as I walk away and feel for my loss and lack of understanding.

Yet I hope they make such statements because they have not lost a mother, father or children. I hope it comes from a place where they just can’t contemplate or imagine such grief. An innocence in such a sweeping yet significant comment.

I also feel terrible pangs of guilt for having twins and feeling like a failure to one or the other. If they are both crying I try so desperately to meet their needs and be the best mum but when one is crying because they need winding and the other is crying because they are tiered and you only have one pair of arms to try and figure it all out, it feels like an impossible task.

I know how fortunate and lucky we are to bring these babies home and I so desperately want to meet their needs and help them hit the milestones and flourish in their lives (whatever that looks like for them).

I know that there will be people reading this who would give anything to be in this position and to have a baby or babies in their arms and I feel a huge shameful amount of guilt for feeling any of the above.

I feel a little exasperated when others talk about me visiting them and then an intense amount of guilt! I am so burdened with guilt that I don’t need anymore of it if I can’t find the energy or time to visit them.

I have a husband to consider, two babies, a step daughter, a foster (bonus) daughter whilst working two jobs and trying to maintain a home. I physically can’t do it all and if they really do want to see us then they can find the time to visit my home and make things a little easier for me!

I also hate my body and appearance right now and feel physically disgusted when I see my stomach in the mirror. Then a huge amount of self reproach dawns at my door as I let these thoughts enter my head and another inner voice yells at me how can I be so disgustingly vain when I have the most beautiful reason and good fortune to look this way and they are in my arms, in our home!

I am exhausted with the guilt of mothering another’s daughter and my own constant mind battles with ensuring love and nurture to ALL in the family home. The profuse sense that I am failing or letting someone down be that an adult daughter, a baby, a husband or myself.

There are of course private matters that I don’t share on my blog to safeguard my non biological family but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t impact who I am or what I am feeling. It is a massive reason for some of these feelings I write about.

I have a forbidding amount of wrongfulness for the looks I throw at Neil because we parent differently. I know he is an amazing dad and has proven this over and over and before Layla and Kayden came into our lives, so what right do I have to tense up when he leaves the baby crying for longer than me?

It is me that has never raised a living baby until now so what gives me the right to believe that my way of parenting is best just because I research and read everything I can!

Ultimately he loves them with all his heart, they are safe and protected in his care and we are a team so even if we do things differently we will raise them beautifully together!

I expect people might tell me that there is no manual and no such thing as a perfect parent and of course I know all of this. However what sort of mother would I be if I didn’t strive for something close to near perfect no matter how unachievable!

I also assume that others will nod when reading this as it resonated with them the struggles of trying to achieve it all and having high expectations of ourselves and I hope that nod is in solidarity and remembrance of being in this moment of time. For trying to please so many and being racked with guilt.

Finally on the note of guilt, I have sat in the bath for too long now writing for my own benefit even when I heard the twins crying for Neil.

So I will stop being a very momentarily selfish person and will now muster the strength from this exhaustion to cuddle my beautiful babies for as long as possible knowing that I am blessed even if my appearance or house might make others perceive otherwise!

I will battle my guilt and exhaustion with the unbelievable emotions and love that comes with raising all my children, whatever age or need they have.

I will remember just how fortunate I am but also be kind to myself and allow myself to admit the guilt, exhaustion and any other feelings that I have learnt or are learning over the time I have been a mum and a new mother to newborn twins.

Precious Moments

I finished my last blog talking about the comment from strangers mainly who tell me how lucky we are in reference to having one of each.

As you know this is a loaded statement for me as I know just how very lucky we are to have Kayden and Layla at home and in our arms! I also know how lucky we are to have been blessed with Kora and Ava who gave us hope that this day would come.

Now that we are at home with the babies I have found moments where I am overwhelmed. Most people think or believe we must be overwhelmed or exhausted with twins.

We get so many questions or comments like are you getting much sleep? double trouble! Are they good? It must be such hard work with two or this is the easy bit wait till they get older.

This is not why I feel overwhelmed. I am grateful that we have been blessed with two babies. I do not feel overwhelmed because of looking after the babies themselves.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions that I don’t seem to be able to control. I’m overwhelmed with the moments we experience. I don’t want to lose or miss a moment and find myself in tears if I think we have.

Neil and I didn’t get to build memories or moments with Kora and Ava and I guess now we have Kayden and Layla in our arms it feels so much more precious.

Neil accidentally washed Layla’s wrist band from hospital and upon finding it in the washing machine and placing it back in the drawer I noticed Kayden’s was missing.

We couldn’t find it and it looks as though it has been lost forever. I found this devastating as we will never be able to replace it. I wanted to remember the size of his wrist at birth, forever.

I wanted to place it in a memory box like we have for Kora and Ava. Only this time the memory box would be passed onto them when they are older or we would look through it together when they start to ask about their birth.

I know that it is not the end of the world and that we have photos and videos to treasure and I also know that we have Kayden and Layla to hold in our hearts and arms forever.

Yet I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t want to make Neil feel anymore guilty then he already did. I guess it’s just we have so little of Kora and Ava.

Their wrist bands don’t even state their names but rather twin A and twin B. To have Kayden and Layla’s wrist band was something so significant to me.

When I looked through Kora and Ava’s memory box I came across two boxes that detailed they were for a wisp of their hair. I suddenly couldn’t remember if they had hair on their heads.

I was so angry at myself when I had to take out their photographs to remind me of their beautiful faces and the fact that they didn’t have a single hair.

If I can forget such intricate and important details of our identical twin girls then how am I to take in every moment with our twins.

I don’t want a single precious moment to pass me by. I want to be the best most attentive mum to them both. I want to study every inch of them so they are etched into my mind.

Neil and I really do know how very lucky we are to have our beautiful twins together with our family. We have lived in a world that continues when we have suffered pain and loss that is incomprehensible.

We have faced each day after Kora and Ava’s death with what ifs and I wonders. We know what it is like to not have the opportunity to make and build many more memories and moments together.

So I guess it makes everyday with Kayden and Layla that more precious. It makes the little things and the keepsakes even more unbelievably valuable.

As a new mum to babies I would be with holding the truth if I didn’t say how truly tiring and overwhelming it can be especially when you have two newborns however…

we smile when others ask us if we are getting much sleep as it really wouldn’t matter if we were getting just one hour because every waking moment with them means more than they will ever know.

We grin at each other when the statement double trouble is banded around as we are overjoyed that we have been blessed with not just one miracle but two!

We give a loving look to each other when we are asked if they are good because they are not only good but undoubtedly perfect.

And yes you’ve guessed it for us this is not the easy bit. We have wanted to bring our babies home for a long time now and we have gone through much grief and heartache to have them in our arms.

This bit and all the bits from here on in are the bits we have longed for. This bit and every bit to follow are the most precious moments we could ever wish for.