I have always stated that one of the main reasons I write my blog is to raise awareness around pregnancy loss and hope that it will become a less taboo subject one day.
Generally I am quite robust and resilient and I understand that people will make comments based on a lack of understanding or awareness and not due to malice intentions.
However sometimes I can feel deflated and frustrated when I talk to people and I come away from the conversation thinking they still don’t get it.
This is particularly true to the ones in my life that really count. The ones I always think should get me or understand me more than others. The ones that have lived my grief with me.
I know they are full of love for me and were devastated when Kora and Ava passed away not only for me but for themselves too. I watched their pain with each subsequent pregnancy loss.
Yet somehow it’s their comments that make me feel like giving up on tackling the taboo. I question why I write if my nearest and dearest just don’t get it. I love them dearly and this is in no way derogatory or malicious towards them.
I’m merely trying to figure out why I lay my heart on the line and bare my soul to try and make a difference when I don’t seem to make it within my own family.
I was reduced to tears the other day when I sat with my father and he said a comment that made me want to discuss it with him.
We were talking about grief and he stated that it must be harder to lose your child when you have had them in your life for sometime. It is easier to come to terms with losing your babies if they never actually took a breath.
I understood why he might say this as he comes from the perspective of how difficult it would be now if he lost me or my brother. He is doing what we all do and relating his thoughts and opinions based on his own experiences and maybe his own fears.
He did not for one minute intend to upset me he merely spoke what was his thoughts. I felt the hot and raw tears prickle at my eyes. I swallowed, took a breath and then spoke my thoughts.
I don’t think you can compare grief as we all grieve differently and I certainly don’t think one is more greater than the other. However the world does see losing a child as a horrendous grief and against the norm of humanity.
What I do know is that grief unites us as we will all experience it at some stage in our lives. Some sooner than others but it will come to us all at some point.
It is impossible to avoid and when it happens you have to learn to live in your new normality without your loved one(s). It’s not something you can circumvent like an obstacle in the road.
You can’t spend every day with others to console yourself nor can you shut yourself away forever. The world continues its everyday life and sooner or later you have to join it again as the ‘new’ you with a part missing. You have to face your new normality.
I am not the same person I was after losing Kora and Ava and I have learnt that’s ok. They have given me a strength I didn’t know I had. They have taught me to love with fear but to love hard and fast.
So I told my father that I would have loved to have had years of Kora and Ava’s life to hold onto. I would have loved to have known the colour of their hair or their eyes. I would have loved to have fond memories of special moments together so that in my grief I could look to this for solace.
I would love to have had more videos and photos to look at or watch. To play over and over again so I don’t forget a single detail of their face or how their voice sounds.
Instead Neil and I have very few memories and moments to treasure. Yet we face milestones constantly with just I wonders and what ifs. Never really knowing or having the chance.
We got to hold our babies just once in the palm of our hands. We never knew their smell or how it felt to embrace their little bodies as they grew. We never got to hold their hands or kiss them endlessly.
I am not saying that this is harder than any other loss. What I am saying is that having all of those memories and moments would have aided my grief rather than being left with just the ‘I wonder’.
My father didn’t really respond to my comments. He went into a world of his own thoughts and I’m not sure if he felt like challenging my opinion or if maybe something had resonated with him.
Maybe he had just a little more understanding of how I felt because I was brave enough to talk. Maybe he accepted just how hard it must have been to carry your children, lose them, deliver them, put them in a small white coffin and then stand at the service to say goodbye.
Maybe he has a little understanding of how hard it is to face the world each day knowing what you lost but also not knowing.
Maybe he thought otherwise but didn’t want to share his opinion anymore as he could see his daughter was upset. I guess I won’t know as I let the silence pass before changing the subject.
What I do know is that we hold Kora and Ava’s brother and sister in our hearts and arms. I kiss their faces non stop everyday. I stare at every inch of them knowing just how lucky I am to be given the chance to make those memories with them. Knowing just how precious their lives are!
For me they can bring many more unanswered questions about Kora and Ava and each of these moments bring a little sadness to my heart that we didn’t get that moment with them.
However my heart swells with love and pride that I am blessed to be having treasured memories and moments with Kayden and Layla.
I will never take for granted just how lucky we are and when strangers stop me and ask me what gender are our babies and I answer a girl and a boy; they tell me how very lucky we are and I answer, I know.
Of course they mean to have one of each and they are oblivious of what my “I know” means but I do know just how very lucky we really are.
It’s been a long time since I wrote, mainly because I haven’t found the time but also because I was unsure how to put these words into print. The details in this blog will be very hazy and I needed time to process my thoughts and feelings before I shared the twins story.
I have spoken to a number of people who have asked about the birth and interestingly they are quick to dismiss the trauma of our delivery with the sweeping statement that the twins are here now. I guess this is one reason i have taken so long to write. I have also noticed I am now repeating this statement in similar words.
What we have experienced was very traumatic and we are truly grateful that we have our beautiful twins. However in order for us to manage and process what happened it is helpful to talk or write about our experience. The same as it is recognised for people to talk about their traumas regardless of what they might be.
On Thursday 15th April 2021, Neil and I went to the hospital after calling maternity triage. I was concerned about the swelling in my feet and ankles. I thought it was beginning to look a little like pre eclampsia and I had felt for a week or so that my body was struggling and showing an early arrival of the twins. I also had reduced movements and wanted to have the babies heartbeats checked.
My bloods were taken in relation to the swelling and the babies heartbeats were monitored. Everything was just perfect with the babies heartbeats. I was sent home and told that if my bloods showed anything concerning they would call me the following day. We had no phone call so carried on as normal and attended what was meant to be our final scan on Monday 19th April 2021.
The sonographer mentioned a vague issue regarding our girl’s placenta or cord and said that the consultant would talk to us about the findings. I saw the consultant on my own as usual due to the pandemic and the consultant was unclear about what the sonographer had actually seen.
Neil and I are still unsure to this day, what was actually discovered on the scan as the consultant couldn’t speak to the sonographer while i was in the appointment to clarify her findings. We believe that it was either blood vessels on the placenta or the cord had started to prolapse.
The consultant then checked my bloods from the Thursday night and found that my platelets were low. I was unsure what this meant or even what platelets were. When i researched it upon my release from hospital (and by that i mean i googled it) i found out its what makes your blood clot when a wound occurs to stop you bleeding too much.
We were aware of the fact that I was at risk of significant blood loss but we had no understanding of what this blood test result meant. Hence it came as quite a shock when the consultant told me that she was admitting me to hospital and that we would be having our c section early. I rang Neil who was sat in the car waiting for me to tell him the limited information i was aware of and ask him to bring the hospital bags.
I can honestly say I’m not sure what I felt at this point and was very hazy on what all the information meant. Neil was allowed to visit me for the three hours later that day and we both waited not knowing when we would have the c section.
I don’t know when the medical professionals told me that we would have the c section on the 21st April 2021 but we finally had a date that we would meet our twins. I was asked on several occasions if I was excited about meeting the babies. Of course, this may seem like a silly question with everything Neil and I have been through to have this moment and we were both excited about greeting them into the world but I don’t mind admitting I was scared.
I was scared of the operation and i had been having nightmares that something would go wrong or that I would end up losing so much blood I wouldn’t make it to see my beautiful twins. Pregnancy can make your dreams very vivid and awful and i guess everyone facing open surgery would be fearful of the operation itself.
With so many medical reasons for blood loss I had become very anxious about the operation and found myself crying regularly in the hospital bed and then feeling guilt about it as it should be the moment we have longed for and should be filled with nothing but excitement and happiness and again we know how many others would love to trade places.
On the day of the c section I complied a playlist of music to play during the section and went into the operation room with the positivity that I usually have. I think its fair for me to say that both Neil and I found the c section overwhelming, emotional and magical even if we didn’t play our music!
We were aware that things were not going to plan but the team were so calm and reassuring that it wasn’t till afterwards that we truly understood even if we still don’t know the full significance and details.
We were told after the babies were delivered and before i was stitched up that when the surgeon made the incision she had cut through our son’s placenta. None of the scans we had through the pregnancy showed twin 2 (our boy) placenta was also lying low.
We are unsure of the significance of this and how it affects our boy and will be asking many questions about this when we see the doctor at our boy’s 6 week check up and when we see another professional we have now been referred too.
Our little girl was delivered first at 11:48am and she came out crying. This reduced me to floods of tears to hear her cry. It reassured me that she was alive and well. Our little boy had disappeared and was located up near my breasts and was delivered at 11:51am. He did not come out crying and was very pale due to his placenta being cut and loss of blood.
He was immediately taken to the team of paediatricians on stand by in the room and it was probably only a minute before we heard him cry however it felt like a lifetime. I remember looking at Neil and asking him what was wrong.
There was a professional concentration and intensity in the room and I knew that there was something wrong the other side of the blue cloth but the medical teams calmness allowed us to have faith. We were also so relieved that our babies were here that our time was being filled with photographs of them and us.
A short while later I was informed that I had lost a lot of blood. Due to this we were taken to an intensive support area after the c section rather than the ward. Again I don’t really remember much about being in this room and I had to ask Neil where our babies were during this time. Interestingly Neil has very vague memories of what happened when, at this point too.
I was told i was being monitored for a possible blood transfusion as I had lost 2.3 litres of blood (for all those older people, like myself, its 4 and a half pints of blood). I knew this to be a lot as when professionals looked at the figure they all did a sharp in take of breath followed by a wow! There is roughly 5 litres of blood in the average human being.
Neil was allowed to stay with me that night or so we were told as I would need help with the babies due to such low levels. However when a medical professional told me to have a strip wash with their support I undertook this even though I felt all my energy drain. I did it as everyone had told to move as quickly as you can after a c section but within reason.
After I pushed myself to do this at 1:30am in the morning, Neil was told that he should go home and that I was going to be moved to transitional care on the ward. This was a private room where i stayed for the remainder of my time in the hospital. I was extremely upset at this point and couldn’t understand why they made Neil leave when my levels were so low and I was now on my own with twins that needed feeding and changing every 2-3 hours.
It deteriorated from there on and I can’t remember the full details as everything became too much for my mind to process. Our little girl got jaundice within 24 hours (apparently more concerning in this time period). She was put into an incubator stripped to her nappy with an eye mask.
I could now only open the hatch to gently stroke her. Neil arrived at the hospital later that day for his 3 hour visiting time slot and was also visibly upset with seeing our baby laying there.
She came out of the incubator quite quickly from what I remember but as soon as she came out our little boy was placed in. He too was showing signs of jaundice but after 24 hours of delivery.
I found this all so distressing especially with feeling so drained myself and having to call Neil continuously to update him as he was not allowed in the hospital for longer than those visiting hours. We had waited so long to have these babies in our arms but nature seemed to be against us.
Next thing we knew our little boy was allowed out and our little girl was going back under the light therapy. When she was in the incubator this time in the early hours of one morning she was sick. The sick was green in colour and before i knew it the sick was taken to be examined and she was took to neonatal intensive care.
I know this was again early hours of the morning and I remember being inconsolable. I was so concerned that I would not have known or noticed the seriousness of the colour of the sick and I doubted myself as their mother. I was also distraught with having our daughter in intensive care. I didn’t understand what this meant for her and I was worried that history was repeating itself and I would be leaving the hospital without our daughter.
It was due to my distress that they now allowed Neil to come to the hospital and stay with me for the whole day. It was so ironic as i now had only our son to care for rather than twins and looking after one baby was so much easier when feeling so poorly, yet it was now that Neil could stay!
My emotions and Neil’s were all over the place. We had waited so long to have our babies in our arms and yet our girl was in intensive care and due to the pandemic visiting times were vast and shared amongst parents and their babies. Someone else (a stranger) was now spending more time with our daughter then we were and giving her contact through an incubator instead of us.
She was on antibiotics and a feeding tube. When we visited her she had wires everywhere and a tube in her nose. She was behind the glass incubator and looked so isolated and vulnerable. I struggled so much with her being away from me and I don’t mind admitting that I cried constantly and even as I write now tears are falling down my cheeks.
Whilst this was happening for our girl, there were concerns around our boy and he was tested for epilepsy and other things but again we are unsure why he was tested for these. We only know it is linked to his movements. This is what we will chase up for more understanding when we see the professional.
Our girl was given a MRI with a dye test. They were looking for evidence of a twisted stomach we believe. We were not allowed to be with her during this test so she was taken by medical professionals. The test came back inconclusive.
We were then informed that our girl would be transported to Princess Anne in Southampton to the intensive neonatal care unit. They wanted them to repeat the MRI test. Normally the mother of the baby would be transported with them to Southampton (along with their twin if they had a multiple birth). However we were told that we could not go with our daughter as I was under review and being monitored and so was our son.
Neil was given the option to go to Southampton and be with our daughter the next day. He was also able to be with her when she had the MRI scan and was able to FaceTime me in the room afterwards to show me our daughter. This test also came back inconclusive.
A decision was made to release our daughter back to the hospital where I was however she would return to neonatal care and be monitored further and wouldn’t be released to myself until she had stopped the antibiotics.
I believe our daughter was away from me in total for 3 days but again I am unsure of these details and my memory seems to have blocked out most of the details. We were told that upon her return we were to monitor her for further sickness and bowel movements. They said that as long as something was going in and coming out the other end then it we could assume all was ok.
Upon her return to the hospital in the early hours of the morning I was allowed to take our son round to her and got to feed her again for the first time in days. It broke my heart to leave her there again but i knew she was coming back to me soon and I could not be more grateful of this.
I was physically and mentally exhausted and I know Neil was feeling similar. I hadn’t really given much thought to my own care and it was 3 days later that I remembered that no -one had checked my bloods in relation to my levels following the blood loss.
I spoke to a doctor who checked on me and he had assumed that the midwives had taken my blood to check my levels and that I didn’t need a blood transfusion. When i finally had a blood test it showed that my levels had decreased into the 60’s. I believe a normal level is 130 something.
I was then given a blood transfusion of two units of blood the following day (4 days after the birth of our twins). I felt a little better in myself almost immediately after receiving the blood however the transfusion itself caused trauma in my arm from the midwife struggling with putting the needle in and the bruise was immense running the whole length of my lower arm and half my upper arm.
It is now nearly 5 weeks since we delivered our babies and I have only just had my levels checked again and am waiting the results (the room still spins so I assume its not great). Our girl is still under review and we have questions about our boy and his delivery. We have been referred to a specialist mental health midwife to process our trauma and find out the true details of our twins birth.
Although we still have concerns and worries we are very delighted to announce the arrival of our twins. Our girl weighed 5lbs 11oz and is called Layla. Her name means dark beauty as she is the beauty after all our darkness. Our boy weighed 4lb 15oz and is called Kayden. His name means battle or fighter and he has fought to be here and we battled to get him.
We finally have the photo that I have dreamed of putting up on our wall and our family is now filled with a little more love than before. Words can not explain the emotions we have when we look at our rainbow babies. We are truly blessed!
Since being pregnant I have been self isolating due to the pandemic and it has been mainly winter weather time meaning I have been wrapped up and not so on display. So the bump has not been as obvious and of course it also took a while for it to blossom.
In the last month or so I have had many more comments about my pregnancy as people can clearly see the bump now. The comments I get vary depending on how well the person knows me and our background and also people’s human nature to start a conversation or engage with another.
We also sometimes just pass flippant comments without knowing any background information and with no intention of offending or upsetting. Yet sometimes I still struggle with what to answer or how to answer or whether to challenge the comment or let it ride over my head.
Now that the bump is more obvious I have encountered the question on a regular basis of how long have you got left? I personally stumble with this question as we are having twins and therefore our due date is not necessarily our due date and because we have had a few complications our birth plan has been a little up in the air.
I find that most expecting couples have the same issue as all good plans are often thrown aside when it comes to a pregnancy and a birth. I guess we have to come to terms with expecting the unexpected.
However when i answer this question I often state that we are having twins to justify how difficult it is to give an answer to this question. Also always in the back of my mind is the whole no guarantees on bringing them home following all the reality we have faced and watched others face.
My answer usually leads onto another comment flippantly stated that I don’t look big enough to be having twins. Again I never really know what to say to this other than I can assure you that at every scan (and we have had a lots since 5 weeks pregnant) there has always been two babies!
It’s a strange comment as all woman carry differently depending on their size and statue. The amount of water they are carrying and the babies size all plays a part in the bump. Neil and I stopped comparing and measuring months ago when it was upsetting us and making us believe something could be wrong.
Another question that particularly strangers ask us next is “Is this your first pregnancy”? Firstly I am a little pleased at the geriatric age that I am people look at my face and believe that this could be my first! However then the awkwardness descends. At this point Neil looks away usually. He knows my answer is coming and he knows that the person that asks will often feel a little uncomfortable.
There is a silence as i find the nicest way to phrase it for the person that has asked. I am an advocate for baby loss awareness and write this blog to highlight these situations and aid awareness and understanding. Therefore how could i possibly answer with “yes” just to make that person more comfortable.
So i answer with a statement similar to “no, this is our fifth pregnancy, we just haven’t brought any home yet”. They always respond in a similar way with an “oh” and a taken back sadness quickly followed by well wishes.
I don’t mean to make them feel uncomfortable I just can’t deny our babies and our losses. It feels so wrong to me to dismiss any of our experiences or babies. Our loss is not lessened by two babies coming potentially coming home. We will watch these hit milestones and know that our others were not blessed with this. We will of course embrace these milestones with such joy and happiness but our silent sadness will never disappear.
Interestingly, a lady that I know from a local choir suffered miscarriages (this was a long time ago as her children are fully grown and have their own too). When she passed my house recently she mentioned how small I looked and that she can’t believe that I am carrying two. She then progressed to assume that these would be coming home and she said “you won’t remember or worry about your losses when these are in your arms”.
I honestly felt that even challenging her comment would have no effect or be to no avail so I said nothing (unlike me i know). I guess that when she suffered her losses things may have been different from a medical point of view but I am a strong believer that the moment you see a positive pregnancy test you are parents, you plan your future and imagine how your life will change. Most of us never fear or expect the worse outcomes no matter the 1 in 4 statistic.
Many women say to me “I have not experienced what you have and i was ONLY so many weeks”. This saddens me and reinforces the fact that miscarriage and pregnancy loss is still considered a taboo subject or somehow less significant if you didn’t pass a certain amount of weeks.
This is what I hope changes and I would love to be a person that raises this awareness. What other medical, either physical or mental, condition/experience would we dismiss so easily because we only had it for a short time? The impact of loss is severely understated and in particular the affects such as anxiety, grieve, depression, the time it takes the body to heal and so on.
I have mentioned throughout this blog how this pregnancy has been an extremely anxious time for both Neil and I for so many reasons. I have counted down each day like a prison sentence (not due to lack of love or hope but rather with an edge of being realistic).
On that note I have been in hospital on Thursday and again since Monday so am currently writing this blog from a hospital bed however i will leave the ins and outs of that to another blog. It just demonstrates my point that no plan is robust and complications can arise at any stage of pregnancy!
Another comment that was passed the other day was by a a lovely lady that I went to school with so i know it was said with no malicious intent but it highlights again how we just comment without understanding of someone’s situation. Something we can all be guilty of without meaning to be.
She has seen me a few times since being pregnant as she lives round the corner from me however like lots of people we know they were not aware that we were pregnant due to reasons stated above. She saw the bump and said when did this happen? How far are you? When I told her it was twins she said “what have you gone and done that for”?
She is a mother to a few children but admittedly had them long before us. I could have mentioned that these babies were very much desired and were made with love and science but I was tiered and so just responded saying how much we want them.
I don’t think that when these babies are in our arms I will ever be able to stop talking about our losses and experiences. They gave us so much and pushed us to be this far gone with our twins now. I just know (and I have said it so many times) that we are truly blessed if we get that photo of Neil walking out the hospital with two car seats.
It is so close now and I am aware of how may people’s hearts have been touched and are excited for us. Even if Neil and I are still facing challenges and have more worries than excitement right now we are truly grateful for everyone else’s excitement on our behalf.
We are grateful for all we have been given by so many wonderful people and for all the kind wishes and messages with whatever we have endured during this pregnancy. We are even more grateful for our angels and losses and for each other and all those that have supported us throughout. We can’t thank you all enough but you know who you are.
So I guess I can summarise by saying that talking publicly or facing people and strangers that are unaware of our journey has raised so many questions, circumstances and thoughts. It has given me the opportunity to express in this blog and I hope raise that all important awareness. I hope that I am able to continue to do this and thank you all again for your support however it has come.
What feels like a very long time ago now, I wrote a blog titled “are you ok”? I spoke very honestly about the avoidance we have felt in relation to talking about our losses. It was also a very honest account of a mother dealing with the loss and facing the world that maybe isn’t ready or as understanding as it could be in regards to pregnancy loss.
I raised that often people will message to ask if I am ok? I spoke about the ease to message rather than pick up the phone and listen to the sobs and tears as they come.
Yet at nearly 34 weeks pregnant with the twins, I find myself guilty of the nonsensical response “I’m ok” when asked how I’m doing or feeling. The midwife I have seen a few times now stated at our last appointment that she doesn’t believe my polite response.
It was nice in a way that she could understand that i was in fact being polite and not wanting to off load, moan or appear unappreciative of our current situation. I have mentioned many times just how fortunate Neil and I are to be blessed to get to this point in the pregnancy with our twins.
It is this guilt of knowing others would swap positions with me in an instance that prevents me from maybe telling the truth to the question of how are you doing/feeling?
When I started this blog it was predominantly about Kora and Ava and our pregnancy loss. It was to raise awareness and challenge medical and societies views around such a taboo subject. It was to help others who may face a similar situation and to help those who were around friends or family that were facing such a loss.
I don’t think i ever gave up hope that we could bring babies home but for our own mental health and well-being we did come to the decision that we might stop trying and focus on ourselves if we weren’t successful this time.
So i am extremely grateful to be heavily pregnant and getting closer to bringing them home as we mark off each day. I guess it is this and how others must feel that makes me reluctant to truly express how I am doing or feeling.
Yet i realise that this blog is to help people in all different situations and being pregnant after losses and dealing with the anxiety of that is another important topic that I feel I should express and cover.
Therefore I am going to state the truth to the question and not answer with the expected response of I’m ok. I am going to express how tough I have found things lately and i refuse to feel guilty for expressing this (even with the knowledge of how fortunate we are to be blessed with two and in third trimester).
I am exhausted! Emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been put on iron tablets, blood clot thinning injections and have been on aspirin since 10 weeks pregnant. My thighs are black and blue from daily injections. I eat Gaviscon like they are sweets! I have had nausea, dry retching, acid reflux and heartburn since 5 weeks pregnant.
As a sign language interpreter I already had Repetitive Strain Injury and in this pregnancy it has become considerably more severe and painful (all part of being pregnant I am told). My fingers are the size of elephant toes and I can’t hold or grip things. I wake up with numbness or pins and needles and by the end of the day my hands and fingers are stiff.
What are ankles? I don’t appear to have them anymore. I wake up with them the size of bowling balls and I go to bed with them the same size or bigger. They throb rhythmically with the soles of my feet!
I have disturbed sleep and awful dreams including one of delivering Ava again and watching her die in front of me with blood pouring out of every hole. I also dreamt that Flick’s (our dog) eye was ripped out by brambles and she want from a happy carefree dog to an anxious and sad one.
I am sleep deprived from getting up to pee constantly obviously due to being pregnant and having one kidney. I am also woken by bouts of nausea and have to take yet more Gaviscon and wait for it work before i can try and sleep again.
If i wake on my back I have to remain awake until I feel both babies move and know that I have not killed them by ending up sleeping on my back.
I still wipe and look for blood. Now this has changed more to early signs of labour rather than loss of the babies. I am concerned that labour will come early and the complications I know that will present in relation to our situation.
I am congested and often this too wakes me from my sleep as I can’t breathe. I blow my nose and all I get is blood. Another effect of pregnancy and the amount of blood going through my body due to having twins.
The movements of the babies add anxiety sometimes. I worry that I won’t notice when they change or if I need to contact the midwife. I also find some of the movements very uncomfortable and alien like. The guilt that runs through me for thinking and feeling this is horrendous. People tell me I will miss it when its gone but I’m not so sure about that. I just want these babies in my arms. I don’t enjoy the hand being pressed on my bladder.
I am experiencing more and more Braxton Hicks and its a sensation that is new to me. It is another milestone that is both gratefully received and upping my anxiety.
The midwife tells me that I am doing too much and that I need to slow down yet the reality of this is impossible. An afternoon nap is out of the question with working (self employed) and the noisy banging above my head as I type and the builders make our loft room to give our family the rooms that we need.
I get frustrated when Neil asks if i want my back rubbed or my hands massaged. I want him to just do it without asking me. I want him to see just how much I am doing and recognise my emotional and physical needs. I am unsure if this is fair or unfair after all this is new to me. I get anxious when he has a few beers at the weekend or after work as i know these babies could come at anytime from now and I wonder who will drive us to the hospital.
I am impoverished with the endless tidying and cleaning up of the house. I am flummoxed how it appears impossible for others to put the toilet roll in the bathroom cupboards. I don’t understand how its always me that goes to the toilet only to find that I have no paper to wipe with! Or how the empty loo roll gets put on the windowsill instead of into the bin that is positioned right beneath the windowsill it is put on.
I can bleach and clean the house spending so much time making it clean and tidy (with regular breaks for babies) only to watch as clothes appear on the bathroom floor, plates don’t make it into the dishwasher or the builder falls through the loft hatch and gets wood and dust on the staircase I just hoovered.
I know this is standard family life and usually I could handle this but as a tiered pregnant woman I am flagging and that walk down the stairs to get the toilet roll feels like a descent down a mountain especially with the lower back pain.
I am tiered and scared to be the person that becomes a nag and so I silently continue to complete the housework, sort and prepare the house, work all three of my jobs whilst also emotionally supporting all those around me. I know that what is important is our family and not how clean my floors are but I have always looked after my home and it keeps my own mind sound when it is tidy and organised.
Covid has made this pregnancy even harder and very isolating. We do not have a big support network anyway but Covid has ensured that this has been even more distant and difficult. We have not been around family much and certain members we have seen very occasionally and not had the opportunity to share the pregnancy.
I have seen Amy (Neil’s daughter) once since being pregnant with the twins. The restrictions have meant that Amy has missed out on being here with us and being involved with her brother and sisters development.
The continued restrictions mean that in the hospital Neil will have limited time with the babies (visiting hours only) on the day of their arrival. This seems so unfair when we have been so through so much to hopefully bring them home.
Alissa (our foster daughter) and Amy are not allowed to visit in the hospital to meet the twins and have to wait till I am allowed home. This will depend on many circumstances in relation to what happens with the birth.
Nearly every arrangement with friends that I have made in accordance to Covid restrictions has been changed or cancelled. I can count on both hands how many times i have cried to Neil because it was the only little bit of normality or excitement I had and with such little support it was the release/respite or support that I was looking forward to.
I have been feeling a failure in everything I am doing and feel like I am not meeting or fulfilling the needs of any aspects or people in my life. I have been feeling miserable and I know how much it affects everyone in our house. I have wanted to talk to my mum so much and have been grieving her immensely lately. I feel like I am letting everyone down and until I walk out of that hospital with the babies I can’t even say I have succeeded in this pregnancy or birth.
I know that most of the way I am feeling is due to being pregnant after losses. I am justified in my emotions and feelings. It was never going to be an easy pregnancy after all our losses. We didn’t plan on our current home life but are so grateful to have it. It was always going to be hard and no one could anticipate the impact of a pandemic on top of it.
I know that we are blessed to have not only a roof over our heads but a loving family and home. I am more than aware how fortunate I am to even be able to moan about the pregnancy and how I am feeling. I live in hope that restrictions are easing and that life will become a little easier.
Everyday that we get closer to bringing them home alive and healthy is in itself a blessing and brings hope that although the pregnancy may have been difficult during a pandemic their lives might not be impacted as much when they are here.
I am thankful for this blog and hope that it helps other when they are struggling with their pregnancy and the guilt that comes along with that especially after loss. I hope to bounce back to someone more like my usual self very soon and this feeling of letting Neil, Amy, Alissa and the babies down will pass.
I don’t mind admitting that I have been having a few little breakdowns to close friends and a professional midwife. I am sure on the whole some of my anxiety is normal at this stage in pregnancy and with the realities of bringing them home being so close.
However I know for a fact that lots of my anxiety is increased due to the loss of all our babies but in particular Kora and Ava as we reached second trimester and its all we have for reference further along in a pregnancy.
Neil and I undertook an online antenatal course. We have done a few with the same midwife and her company and have found them to be very useful especially in the pandemic. This course was in relation to practical parenting and included safe sleeping, cord clamping, delivery of placenta, jaundice, poo and more.
I guess I had already been feeling anxious in many ways in relation to our twins and have been very self aware of this. Some of my fears are very rational in relation to our experiences and circumstances. I know that twin movements reduce the further you progress in the pregnancy as they basically run out of room.
Although I am aware of this fact it has become difficult to trust my instincts that the movement is reduced due to lack of room rather than a sign that something isn’t right. It doesn’t help that recently there has been an advert on the TV and radio that highlights the babies movements and expresses how important it is to seek advice if the movements change.
I have also mentioned previously that it is significantly more difficult being parents that have cremated their babies as we are around groups and people who have experienced similar. Recently every post on the support group has been a loss over 30 weeks of pregnancy.
As much as people have wonderful intentions when they express to us that the statistics are low or the chances of this happening to us is slim, it is not advice or useful for me to hear. We have lived in every pregnancy in the very low or rare statistics. Our babies are healthy and have had no reason for their hearts to stop but it happened.
One of my closet friends delivered her baby at 39 weeks pregnant. She had felt her baby move but noticed the movement had decreased or changed. She went to the hospital and they checked her babies heartbeat and she was sent home. The next day her instincts still said that something wasn’t right and movement was reduced. By the time she was seen at hospital the next day her babies heart had stopped.
1 in 250 babies are born sleeping (still birth). It’s a fact and it happens. It happens at different stages of pregnancy. It doesn’t mean that it will happen to you or me but it can happen. Maybe if Neil and I hadn’t been through all we have it would be a fact I could just be aware of and not one that haunts me but unfortunately this is not the case.
It’s similar to sleeping on your back. I have raised this previously and mentioned that research shows that you are more likely to have a sleeping baby (still birth) if you sleep on your back so NHS advice is to encourage pregnant woman to sleep ideally on their left side.
I have done this from the first trimester even though guidance states it is more important from the late second to third trimester. However when I wake up and I have somehow managed to turn on my back, I am instantly swarmed with anxiety.
How long have i been on my back? When was the last time I felt them move? I then can’t sleep (no matter what time it is) until I feel both babies move. I lie there in bed holding my belly hoping and wishing that they will move even if it is the smallest of movements. I need to know they are safe and well.
The course on practical parenting discussed the guidance on babies sleeping positions and what is best to avoid sudden infant death syndrome (cot death). The guidance has obviously changed over the years as research has developed.
Neil and the midwife had conversations in relation to their children and how they would allow the babies to sleep almost anywhere and they are now adults. Yet evidence indicates now that the babies should not sleep on their stomachs, be scrunched up in a bouncy chair or car seat. Travelling with the babies when they fall asleep in the car seat the recommendation is to take breaks and wake the babies.
The midwife was very good about relating the risks to practical parenting and weighing up those risks with the guidance and your home life. However she was also speaking with experience as her nephew died from sudden infant death syndrome.
I guess from my perspective it was the first time I had considered keeping them alive outside of my womb. I have been so anxious about bringing them home that I had not thought much about safety after the birth. I had obviously thought about it as I had booked the course but maybe I had not given enough attention.
As my anxiety was already very heightened this made me reach out and ask to speak to the midwife after the course. She (although very busy) is always happy to support and give her time.
When talking to her about my anxieties and fears she stated something that really resonated. She said that we have been through so much and we are almost at the finish line. She stated that we know that we survived after losing Kora and Ava in the second trimester but we have not made it to this point before. We are in touching distance of bringing them home and the thought of that being taken from us now is unbearable.
I have to agree with her. I wasn’t sure how Neil and I would ever deal with the grief of losing Kora and Ava but we have and do daily. I am still at times overwhelmed with grief and unsure how I will face the routine of the day but I somehow manage it.
I am almost sure that Neil and I would be able to face our biggest fear if it was to happen and somehow we would find a way to cope yet that thought is too unbearable when it enters my head. It crushes my chest and reduces me to floods of tears. I don’t know who I am begging to when I hope and wish to bring them home safe but begging I am.
I am fearful that I don’t have the expertise to keep them alive when I do bring them home and my anxiety is starting to manifest in fear of this. My friends that i talk to who are parents and also Neil himself always tell me it is maternal and instincts. They tell me I will find my way and I will keep them safe.
Maybe as a mother to teenagers and older and in particular with personal experience of seeing how many parents have not been able for whatever reason, I worry its not as instinctive as people state.
I have sat beside a teenager(s) who has continuously self harmed and tried to take their own life due to their past and background. I have been that motherly figure during those harrowing times. I have listened, held and wiped away the tears of the child in my arms when they are heartbroken over their mother or fathers parenting.
I know that I am human and I know that I will not be perfect and I will make mistakes. I already have made mistakes in relation to all the children I have parented. I know that they are all still alive and that ultimately on the whole I have done most things right and to the best of my ability.
Yet the babies I have carried in my womb I have nurtured and loved from the moment I have seen those two lines. I have done everything that is recommended in relation to eating healthy, not drinking or smoking, taking the correct vitamins etc. However we have lost them all at varying stages and in different ways.
I know that there is no safety manual and that all of our loses were out of our control and for no medical reason. This is what has made my anxiety so heightened in this pregnancy as I know that just because I feel them move now or saw them on an ultrasound two days ago or heard their beautiful heartbeats, there is no guarantee.
Unfortunately you do not get a safety manual or guarantee/warranty. Parenting and pregnancy is by far the hardest thing I have undertaken. I have cursed myself when I have reacted or responded in a way that has escalated a situation or hurt someone I love.
We have stood shoulder to shoulder looking at the little white coffin instead of bringing our babies home. We have seen the heartbeats only to have another scan and be looking at the screen where the fluttering has stopped.
I just hope that somehow we find the strength to make it through these final weeks with our anxieties at a more rational level and that ultimately I will (as said before) get that photo of Neil with the two car seats leaving the hospital with our beautiful twins.
I hope then that the people around me will support me and that I am blessed with natural motherly instincts and able to meet the needs of my twins, Alissa (foster daughter) and Amy (step daughter). I don’t want to win any awards I just want to do the best I possibly can and hope that the love I have for all of them is blessed with the knowledge and skills to fulfil my motherly role.
I recently heard an analogy regarding the third trimester and it resonated with me. I want to take you back to the Brownlee Brothers running the marathon, I think we all remember that image of one brother carrying the other across the finish line.
Third trimester feels very similar to me. I have the finish line in my sights but crossing that line almost feels unrelenting at the moment. I know how fortunate we are to be pregnant and get to 30 weeks and third trimester, especially with twins. We also know what it is like to be on our fifth pregnancy without bringing any of our babies home.
I feel it is this situation that causes me so much dilemma in the pregnancy. I know and see so many people that have lost a pregnancy, a baby or struggle to even conceive at all. Therefore when I’m asked how I’m feeling or how I am doing I tend to respond with “ok thank you”.
Sometimes I add a tiered into the response as I know the person asking probably expects some degree of honesty when in the third trimester. Yet in my head I am the brother that needs all the help I can get to make it across that finish line.
Emotionally and physically I am flagging. I go between feeling optimistic and excited to scared, anxious and nervous. I know these are very normal feelings for any expectant parents, I just feel ours are heightened from our losses and experiences.
At the point that I start to relax a little and believe I am bringing these babies home, a post will appear in the support group we belong detailing either an anniversary of a baby who lived only a few weeks or a recently bereaved parent at 32-39 weeks pregnant.
It is that harsh reminder that the finish line is there but we haven’t crossed it yet. It’s the cruel horrible truth that there are no guarantees in any pregnancy or even birth. We know the statistics are low that the chances are we will bring these babies home yet we have hit every low statistic in our trying to conceive and pregnancy journey.
1 in 250 babies are born sleeping (still born). This statistic is the same odds of anyone having identical twins (we did). The odds of having fraternal twins naturally is also the same 1 in 250. The odds of having twins with IVF is slightly increased with the use of certain hormone drugs to help the body reproduce more eggs (we did not have these drugs but still fell pregnant with twins). The chances of having 3 sets of twins is 1 in 88,000 (we have fallen 3 times with twins).
A well known charity has researched that sleeping on your back whilst pregnant can increase your chances of having a still birth. This is why the NHS and other organisations strongly encourage pregnant woman to use pillows to keep them on their left hand side.
Being in third trimester has not necessarily alleviated our concerns and worries. If I wake up and I have some how managed to roll onto my back, my eyes widen in fear. I wait for ages to feel the babies move before I can be reassured enough to sleep again. The difference with getting to third trimester is I have a few more helpful signs like this to ease the worry.
I am conflicted with my emotions and stages of the pregnancy. I don’t feel like I should complain about the swollen ankles, exhaustion, aches, interrupted sleep from peeing and dreams (to name a few just a few of the pregnancy signs/symptoms). I know more than anyone how many other people would want to trade places with us and I guess it is this makes me sensitive to it.
Neil and I know what it is like to deliver our babies in the silence of the ward room before they are taken to the morgue. We know how hard it is to leave the hospital without your babies, to walk away from them knowing the next time you will see them will be either at the morgue or staring at the small white coffin.
Therefore how can I complain or break down with overwhelming hormones and emotions when we know we are blessed to be this far along?
I saw the consultant nearly two weeks ago now and she told me that I have scored 3 points on the blood clot risk assessment and have had to inject myself every day since (up to a further 15 weeks possibly).
Neil and I are not adverse to injecting as we have been through two rounds on IVF and about 6 months worth of injections. This time though we are injecting into my thighs rather than my belly. It doesn’t feel right to inject where the babies are.
I consider myself to have quite a high pain threshold however these daily injections bring tears to my eyes every morning. My legs are black and blue with bruises. Yet again I feel guilty for becoming upset or being in pain when it may result in bringing home all of us safe and sound.
My subconscious must be going through the mixed emotions too as often my dreams are either wonderful ones involving having the babies at home or fearful ones around delivery and loss of the babies. It seems whether I am awake or asleep I am plagued with this state of mind.
On occasions I still wipe and check for bleeding. If I haven’t felt the babies move as much I literally poke and shake my belly to wake them up and make them move. (I am hopeful that they might get revenge on us when they are safe in our home).
I wanted so badly to enjoy this pregnancy and be positive in my mindset but I don’t believe we have had much opportunity to do this with our past experiences, the blood losses we have experienced in this pregnancy, the complication of the placenta and how we will deliver and now the daily injections.
What I do know is how very grateful we are to be here on this day feeling the babies move. I am not sure I like the feeling or that I will miss it when it is gone, as the most important thing to me is to have these babies at home in our arms safe and healthy. I know that movement today does not mean movement tomorrow.
We are still counting down the days of our prison sentence and although we can see the finish line in our sights we know we have a long 5-6 weeks ahead of us. I am grateful to my close friends and family for being the Brownlee brother and literally hauling me across the finish line. Without those closet to me I fear I would have struggled even more than I have especially with being pregnant in a pandemic that has been at its worse this year.
I am writing this blog from the hospital. I had to come here yesterday and stay the night. I had got out of the bath and while putting my nightie on and applying the bio oil, I felt something fall out of my vagina.
To my horror there was blood on the carpet. In a dazed state I capped my hand underneath and went to get a cloth to clean up the blood. I think I was in shock and we had just paid for the carpets to be cleaned and this was stuck in my head.
However when I got to the bathroom and I was still bleeding I washed my hands and applied the appropriate protection. I then called for Neil who must have known something was wrong from my voice because he came running up the stairs.
I don’t really remember the shock in his face at this point but I could sense his fear too. I was concerned for Alissa and could see the worry in her face when I came down the stairs to get my shoes on. I tried to make light of the situation and joked that I had stated earlier that the carpets would only stay clean for a maximum of two days.
We set off for the hospital mainly in silence probably both anticipating the worst, after all what are you to think when you bleed like that and so early on in the pregnancy. I was numb and almost resigned myself for facing another loss and delivery.
When we arrived at the hospital Neil was told to wait outside and his parting words to me was not to let them scan me without him. I felt terrible as I could only imagine his anguish but at the same time I knew I had no power in this situation.
I was seen very quickly by the triage team and I explained that I had an extremely anxious husband outside and told them a brief synopsis of our pregnancy history. They broke the rules and allowed Neil to come in the room.
One of the first things they undertook was to listen for the babies heartbeats. Our boy was first and sure enough his heartbeat came out loud and proud. Both Neil and I were in tears of relief. However we knew that it was our girls placenta that would have caused the bleeding and were unsure if her heartbeat would be so prominent.
There it was, her heart beating, a little faster than our boys but definitely beating. I can not describe in words this feeling of relief. This pregnancy has been such as anxious rollercoaster due to previous loss and experiences.
I find it very frustrating when I am told not to worry. I wonder what mother and father don’t worry about their children. I also know that most people that state this have not experienced loss like ours and therefore can not fathom what it is like to have a healthy baby or babies with beating hearts one minute and for it to be taken so cruelly away the next.
I feel sometimes that people think I am being negative but I can assure you we hope for the best. We unfortunately know the realities and facts more than others and therefore we are left with having to be realistic. I would love to be the woman that naively goes through their pregnancy with little care in the world and a smug smile of excitement.
Of course both Neil and I wondered if I had done something to make this happen. I guess Neil feels this as he has no control over my body and what I do day to day. I felt this as getting this far in a pregnancy is new to me and I am confused with what take it easy looks like.
The next morning I asked the doctor our questions. Was my bath too hot? Is working 7 days a week too much at 25+ weeks pregnant (even if most of it involves sitting down). Is exercise ok (as I read it was good for me and the babies) but am I walking the dog too far or too much? I’ve not once had an afternoon nap. How do we know the placenta is ok if they haven’t scanned me?
The main question was answered that the placenta will be fine for our girl. It will have moved a little as not attached in the right place and the risk is more to me than the baby. They stated the overnight stay was because sometimes a bleed can signify early labour and more bleeding to follow.
They decided against giving me steroid injections for the babies lungs as they started to feel confident that it was not an indication of early labour. However they may still administer the injections at a later date as the bleed could be a sign of an earlier than planned labour. Monitoring us all will be the solution.
They told me I am probably doing too much but to listen to my body and rest when it tells me. They said for now I can carry on as I am but that I would need to slow down in the coming weeks especially if I have another bleed (which could result in being told to bed rest).
Their main concern was that Neil and I do not undertake intercourse. I said we had been told this and had followed the guidelines since then. They told me exercise is good just don’t do too much!
I am still very confused as to what is too much but I am confident that I can listen to my body and I will be taking it a little easier from now. It has been a very long night and day in the hospital especially with only Neil being allowed to visit for the maximum of 3 hours.
They have said I can go home at 6pm tonight and they will listen to the babies heartbeats one more time before I leave to reassure us that all is ok. I guess now its going to feel like a very long wait to the next scan when we see them again and know nothing has happened between now and then.
I am just going to hold on to the fact that when I feel our girl move then I am hopeful that our boy is moving too. The midwife stated he moved lots when she listened to his heartbeat. I just can’t feel him move most of the time.
I have to trust my instincts and hope that Neil trusts them too. We have to hope that they stay safe and sound in my womb until much nearer their due date and that their movements become stronger and clearer as they grow.
I am unsure who originally phrased Caesarean section (c-section) as a woman being too posh to push but as April is C section awareness month it feels appropriate to write and challenge some perceptions around this. It is also feels apt as we have been given our date for C section in the month of April.
Around 1 in 4 pregnant woman in the UK has a Caesarean section. It is a major operation that carries risks as any surgical procedure would. It is usually only carried out if it is the safest option for the mother and the baby(ies).
It is major abdominal surgery and the cut is usually made along the bikini line. The incision goes through the skin, the underlying fat, into the abdomen and the uterus.
There is sometimes a preconceived idea that a c section is an easier alternative than vaginal birth. However your baby(ies) enter the world it will not have been the easier option (there isn’t one)! It will have been the safest method of delivery based on circumstances.
When I fell pregnant for the fifth time with our twins, I didn’t really think about delivering the babies as my anxiety to get to ongoing and constant milestones was all I could really focus on.
When we hit second trimester it dawned on me that no matter what happened now Neil and I would be in the same position as we were with Kora and Ava and that was to deliver these twins dead or alive.
It was at this point I started to consider delivery and what that may or may not look like for Neil and I. To be honest i made the assumption that it would probably be a vaginal delivery like I had with Kora and Ava.
I wondered how different it would feel if we were blessed enough to deliver babies that were not sleeping. I wondered how the room would feel in comparison. With Kora and Ava the love was very real and clear between our babies and Neil and myself but the room was surreal.
The midwives (2 of them) were sat opposite us behind a table. It felt like they were invigilators in an exam room. I was full of fever as they had to overdose me by 12 times the amount of medication to induce labour. I was on an antibiotic drip and wasn’t even aware of my contractions at first.
Neil was by my side the whole time. We knew that we had to go through delivering our sleeping angels but it was not anything we had ever expected to face or endure when we first found out we were pregnant.
I remember asking the midwife if the contractions or labour was somehow less than that of a mother who carried full term. Her response was that it was the same except of course the size of our babies.
This time round as we got further along in the pregnancy, I couldn’t help but think about what the size difference and what that would mean. Would I be more tiered? Would i possibly tear? According to the midwife the pain would feel the same but would their size mean my waters would break this time?
Kora and Ava were delivered in two hours and one minute. I wondered if the twins would be a quick labour or if them being bigger meant it would take longer. Maybe as it would be my bodies second time in delivering it could possibly be even quicker.
Of course all these thoughts were soon benchmarked when we went for our 20 week scan and were told that our girl’s placenta was lying low. We were told at the time that this could move as she got bigger and that they would make a plan for delivery at our 32nd week scan.
Each scan we had following that we were told different information regarding her placenta. One time we were told it was hooked, another time that is was partially blocking the exit and another time that it was laying low and completely blocking their exit.
Our internal scan at 32 weeks however confirmed that there is no way for the twins to exit naturally as her placenta is definitely blocking this route. Therefore it was decided that we should be booked in for a c section.
Originally we were told that this would be at about 35 weeks as most twins tend to come early (36 weeks). They did not want to risk us going into natural labour as blood loss can be significant especially if they factor in other circumstances surrounding our pregnancy.
However when we got the date it was booked for 37 weeks and 4 days. Twins are considered to be full term at 37 weeks. The consultant who spoke to me (Neil is still not allowed in appointments) asked me what my preferred birth plan would be. I found this an odd question as it was presenting to me that I didn’t have a choice.
I stated that all i wanted was to bring these babies home safe and healthy and whatever they recommended as the best and safest option was definitely what I would accept.
Truth be told as discussed above I had only ever thought about a natural birth and the thought of a c section upset me a little. I wanted to be able to move around much quicker and enjoy the time off i have booked with the twins not use it to recover.
I know its naive of me as some woman can take just as long to heal from a natural birth but i was going on my previous experience. I was also worried that I wouldn’t be as aware of what was happening especially if I didn’t make it to the date and had to have an emergency c section.
With this in mind, it is probably useful for me to talk about the fact that my c section is referred to as an elective c section. This makes it sound like i have chosen to have the c section.
Of course there is a very small amount of woman that choose to have a c section for many reasons including mental health such as anxiety. In this circumstances they have elected to have it but it is still considered the safest or best option for them.
Whereas ours is classed as elective as it is pre-booked and not because its what we have chosen for our birth plan. However when considered statistically it looks as though we have elected to have a c section even when a natural birth is impossible for us this time.
Of course if I don’t make it to the date they have chosen for us then we have strict instructions to get to the hospital as quickly as possible and we will be rushed in for an emergency c section.
A friend of mine had commented that I appeared quite relaxed about the thought of a c section. I guess at the time it seemed so far away that I kept just marking each day off as closer to bringing them home rather than the actual delivery method.
It was when I went back at 33 weeks and 3 days pregnant and saw my usual consultant that I started to worry more about the surgery. I am a sign language interpreter and have therefore been present at c sections and witnessed them from both sides of the blue surgical paper.
I had not been deterred about the operation from what I had witnessed. In fact it was quite the opposite. It had been a very special moment and I was honoured to be involved in such an amazing and private moment.
However I am now more concerned about the c section itself due to the conversation with the consultant and the realisation that we have many risk factors that could lead to significant loss of blood.
The consultant actually crossed out the risk statistics and informed me that my risks were much higher and then proceeded to write a plan B and C in the blood loss scenario.
It’s not that I don’t trust the medical professionals as I can appreciate that they are prepared for our individual birth plan based on our circumstances. I am however now a little more apprehensive of the seriousness of our circumstances and more importantly the stay in the hospital and my recovery time.
I know for the rest of the world it may seem like normality is around the corner in relation to the pandemic but the hospital especially in our area is still very strict.
I was told by the consultant that if i lose lots of blood and have to have further intervention then Neil will be allowed to stay longer to help with the babies. At present if all goes smoothly Neil is only allowed to stay for the c section and whatever visiting hours are left of the day.
He will not be allowed back into the hospital until the following day for the maximum of three hours to visit me and the babies. I am so grateful to be sat here writing this blog with a plan around bringing our beautiful babies home however it also feels disappointing.
We have waited so long for this and when its within our reach we have strict rules that mean Neil will miss out on what other dads were able to have. I will also be more alone than other mothers have been and as a new mum to babies and this does petrify me. I have always mothered teens but now I might be mothering not just one baby but two and its new to me!
What I do know though is we will face whatever restrictions and whatever happens in the same positive manner we face everything. We will face it together and we will manage as we always do. We know that nothing is as hard as standing in front of the small white coffin of your babies so as long as these beautiful twins come home, it really doesn’t matter how they come into the world.
It’s official we are now 24 weeks pregnant. I have spoken before about the medical terminology and how both Neil and I have struggled with it in the past. In particular I struggle with the fact that Kora and Ava were medically labelled as non viable.
This is because a baby under 24 weeks is deemed unable to survive independently after birth. Yet we know that there have been occasions where babies have been born under this timescale and survived. Medically they make you aware that there will be medical issues with any baby born under 24 weeks and premature before 40 weeks.
The longer the baby remains in the womb and the nearer you are to the due date the more chance your baby has of survival with less complications.
A friend of mine messaged me to say happy viability day. She is a friend who has lost a little boy, is an angel mum and suffered another pregnancy loss. She understands the milestone of the 24th week mark.
Yet I’m still terrified with twins that I will have an early labour especially with the placenta previa. I hope that my body is good enough to maintain and manage the twins for as long as possible in the womb. Neil must feel the same as when we discussed this he stated that they can stay in the womb for as long as possible.
An early labour would mean neonatal care and weeks/months in hospital which is hard enough without a virus to worry about.
I guess from the moment you conceive a child or children you instantly worry that you are doing the best for them. Doing your best might be looking after yourself and not doing as much (something I probably neglect).
Now that we are 24 weeks not only can I feel the babies but so can Neil and Alissa. I said previously that when I could feel them move I would probably worry less as at least I would know they are still doing ok.
I may have been a little naive with that statement as I find myself sitting there at day or laying in bed at night thinking ‘they haven’t moved yet and wondering why’.
Sometimes the moment I think it they move and reassure me. Other times I have to be more patient. I can’t feel our boy as much as his placenta is cushioning him but I can most definitely feel our girl strongly.
I struggle with not being able to see inside and check on them. Now that I feel them move I worry they will move to much and the cord will tangle around them. I know this will be a natural fear due to Kora and Ava dying this way.
It’s not constant worry all day every day it’s just at times these thoughts enter my head. I feel bad that Neil and I can’t just enjoy this pregnancy but we understand that what we have been through will impede on us. This is our norm for our pregnancy.
I think I find it so hard at the moment because of the pandemic. I can’t sit with a friend in my house, have a cup of tea and put their hand on my belly to feel the twins. We can’t visit family with our scan photos or heartbeat teddy bears. We tend to end up speaking to family individually by phone and have to remember to tell one another who we woke to and what was said.
I’m not sure i would have have had a baby shower but the pandemic has ensured this doesn’t happen. Neil is not allowed in appointments with me and we believe at the moment he will only be allowed in during labour at the point the head of one of the babies is showing.
If we have to have a c section we are unsure when he will be allowed in with me but I guess they will discuss this nearer the time.
Yet with all this added pressure and negativity around us there are moments that bring smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes.
Whether it is a friend that has stopped off on our doorstep and given us a little gift for the babies or a friend that texts to check in through this difficult and strange time to be pregnant.
But most importantly the biggest smile we have on our faces right now is due to the hope that the 24th week mark brings. We are counting down now only 11-14 weeks left dependent on natural, c section and no early labour!
That photo of Neil walking out of the hospital with two carry cots has never felt so possible. I won’t fool myself that the next 11–14 weeks will be easy and we know there are no guarantees but the end of the pregnancy is in sight!
Neil and I know how blessed we are to be pregnant and we of course embarked on this knowing there was a pandemic. However we did this due to my age and because we had been trying long before Covid existed. There was also light at the end of the tunnel or so we all thought.
We did put our fertility journey on hold at the start of the pandemic when everyone was unsure about Covid and the implications. We talked about whether bringing children into this world was the right thing to do.
Of course it is a very personal choice and Neil and I have as much right as any other individuals to want to have biological children together. There has been some very nasty comments on social media around IVF and having a baby now with the help of science.
I choose to ignore these comments and feel that they are from uneducated narrow minded individuals or ignorant people. I am however always happy to talk about our journey and decisions and help raise awareness to prevent such nastiness or ignorance.
If you follow my blog or know us personally then you will be aware that we had three pregnancies in 2020 and two of them were during the pandemic.
Our first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. This was our fourth pregnancy in total at that point and we should have been monitored closely from the moment we fell pregnant with our past and history.
Unfortunately the pandemic was new at this time and there were a lot of unknowns. This resulted in our pregnancy being overlooked. We understood why and appreciated the strain on medical professionals at this moment in time. This did not make it any easier on us though.
We fell pregnant for the fifth time (this time through IVF). There is never any guarantees with IVF that you will be fortunate enough to fall pregnant and the process is very hard.
We had two embryos implanted. There is an assumption that this will result in twins however the reality at our age is that it gives us just 5% more chance of even falling pregnant.
As you are probably aware we were blessed to fall pregnant with our third set of twins. I am very open and honest about the anxiety around this pregnancy and the impact it has had on both Neil and I.
The pandemic only heightens my anxiety for many reasons. When we suffered our miscarriage I had to go into the hospital alone for the confirmation scans, follow up scans, medical management etc. Neil had to sit in the car in the car park.
It was very difficult times to be forced to be separated when both of us were suffering with a loss and grief. All we both wanted was to be there for each other but the restrictions made this impossible.
During this current pregnancy Neil was initially asked to remain outside for our earlier scans. He was allowed in the hospital but had to sit in the corridor outside of the ward.
As we were under 12 weeks the chances of being told that the babies heartbeats had not formed or had stopped were significantly high especially with our history.
The anxiety around the scans has and still is very intense as we fall in the 10% off unknown cause for pregnancy loss. In other words they can’t tell us why everything looks text book perfect and then within a week the heartbeats have stopped.
If you can imagine for a minute how difficult it is to relax and not worry from week to week after so many experiences of loss following perfect scans. I have mentioned before that I have never experienced pain or bleeding or any signs that our pregnancies have ended. We only ever get told this news at a scan.
Now that we are at the official medical acceptance of our pregnancy (over 20 weeks) Neil is allowed in the scans. He has to wait in the corridor regardless of the delay or time of wait and I have to sit in the waiting room, until my name is called when I’m allowed to collect him.
It’s not what I thought about when we fell pregnant. I hadn’t anticipated being separated throughout our pregnancy appointments.
Neil is not allowed in the midwife appointments or consultant appointments with me and when we find out complications such as placenta previa, it is myself that has to take in the information and ask the questions.
The responsibility lies on me to remember the facts and relay the information to Neil without my fear, anxiety, opinions or interpretation being imposed onto him. He also has to rely on me to ask questions he might have (that is if he has time to think about them before being asked to leave and sit in the car).
We are 22 weeks pregnant, a milestone that we have never reached in our previous pregnancies. Yet I have not seen a midwife. when you are pregnant with one baby you are given a midwife by 16 weeks. This midwife becomes your point of contact for any concerns, questions or queries.
When you are pregnant with multiples you remain under the care of the hospital. We had this with our identical twin girls Kora and Ava. However we weren’t seen within the correct timescales and before we knew it we were delivering them sleeping.
In this pregnancy at 22 weeks we still haven’t seen the midwife. You don’t get assigned a midwife as such. You attend the multiple birth clinic on a Monday and a team of three midwives will share the responsibility of seeing you (or rather me as Neil is not allowed to attend).
We have only seen the consultant twice rather than any of the midwives. This is due to the placenta previa which meant we saw the consultant again.
I personally find this very difficult for reasons I have stated but also because I have questions that I want to check or ask but have no point of contact to do this.
I have fears too due to the pandemic that something will be missed or we will be overlooked. I feel these are rational fears due to our experiences to date where protocol hasn’t been followed or things have been missed.
Everyone was hoping 2021 would become a little easier and the vaccine gave us hope of light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately it is winter and the virus has changed to one that spreads easier and quicker. The hospitals are over run and the pressure on the NHS is immense.
I worry about going into the hospital for the regular pregnancy checks (more often and frequent than a singleton pregnancy). We are walking into the very place that is overloaded with Covid patients.
We have come so far and protected the babies with precautionary behaviour. How do we know we are doing the right thing when we enter that building? Of course we want our pregnancy to be monitored like any other person, it’s just an unusual situation to find ourselves in.
The pandemic seems to be exaggerating my fears. I worry that Neil’s medical condition is something far more sinister then it appears and he will experience delayed medical treatment because of COVID-19.
I worry that the placenta won’t move and that I will go into early labour (something we know can be fatal to both the baby and myself). I worry that after all we have been through to have biological children it will be taken away because the NHS is overwhelmed and will miss something vital.
I read that it is very common at this stage of the pregnancy to feel overwhelmed and suffer with fear. This is obviously my fifth pregnancy but I’ve never got this far before. It’s all new to me from this point forward and I don’t know who to talk to.
There are no anti-natal classes and no groups are running due to the pandemic. As stated we don’t have a midwife and the clinic runs on a Monday so I’m not sure when and who to phone.
I don’t know if the labour, contractions and delivery will be similar to what we experienced before with Kora and Ava or if it will be different (if I can have a natural birth).
I don’t know how early the twins will come if we have to have a c section and I worry about how I will cope with two babies, a foster daughter, a husband who will have to work and the family pets.
What will Covid look like at the start of April to the start of May? Will I be allowed support and will it be only one person? Will our first photos be with face masks? Do I have to wear a face mask through delivery? Will people be able to hold our babies? How far will be allowed to travel for them to meet their grandad who lives an hour away?
Will we be able to have visitors in our home? Can I have more than one person visit in a week to help out where needed? How do I plan for work if I have to have a c section and I don’t know what routine will look like? Will our house/building works be ready to make life a little easier?
Finally I’ve found the pregnancy to be very lonely due to the pandemic. I’ve not had excited visits from friends and family as it’s not allowed. People have not been able to touch my belly or hug me. I’ve not been able to show people what we have brought or get the build up of excitement around this.
There are no family or friends photos of us while I’m pregnant. No classes for me to join and find out information. No preparation for labour and breathing (if I’m allowed). No external household help to organise the house or nursery. No visits to the shops to try out the pram we want to get.
We are so blessed to even be pregnant and to get this far which only adds to my guilt for feeling any of the above. No one ever knows what’s around the corner and we can’t plan for what we don’t know is going to happen.
Being pregnant with twins and the possibility of bringing them home getting nearer is truly remarkable. I have to keep telling myself that after all we have been through it’s ok for me not be glowing or having the text book happy pregnancy that most do. It’s natural for our anxiety and fear to be exasperated especially in a pandemic. We can only take each day as it comes and know how fortunate we are to be a day closer.
Stars in the Sky 