Nesting

It’s an expression banded around especially when a pregnancy is talked about. It’s not just the human race that undertake it either. It’s the natural instinct to make your home organised and ready for the arrival.

I have the urge to make the house ready and more prepared for the arrival of the twins yet after losses it is difficult to undertake this with confidence.

We are not naive enough to believe that everything will go to plan and that we are guaranteed to walk out of the hospital with our babies but we feel more confident of the possibility.

We had both started to feel more confident in this pregnancy and have prepared a little, in the way we can at present. We have relaxed a little as both Neil and I can now feel the babies. We struggle to feel our boy as his placenta is cushioning him. Our girl often has what feels like a disco inside me.

Yet feeling the babies move everyday is what I think I needed to relieve a little of my anxiety day to day that they are alive in there. I had only ever experienced quickening so this is a special milestone for us. We are so close to third trimester!

It’s a fine balance preparing and purchasing. We don’t want to buy too much as we know there are no guarantees. It’s as if we gain the confidence to nest and prepare only to have the shock of blood. It’s like we are being reminded that we are not out of the woods yet.

However on Sunday there was some blood. The fear and anxiety of heartbreak loomed! I spoke to the triage midwife and was informed that it can be common when you have placenta previa. It’s so difficult to keep the confidence and enjoyment of the pregnancy when things like this happen and especially after all our losses.

I have always had a natural instinct to nest regardless of whether the child entering my home is biological or not. When Alissa arrived on our doorstep during lockdown we didn’t have the opportunity to prepare the room for her arrival.

However when she came to me at 12 years of age I did exactly what my motherly instincts were crying out to do. I prepared her room with love and prepared our house to make it feel like her home.

Alissa’s arrival was unique and a story we both laugh at now. Her first sentence to me involved a few expletives and included the statement that she was not coming in MY house. We quickly resolved her anxiety and she entered the house and became a huge part of my family.

When she arrived on our doorstep again she was 17 years old. I am in awe with my husband and how he opened his door and his heart to her. I am honoured that she felt she could turn up on our doorstep. Our unconventional family is almost complete.

So you see it is very different preparing your home for a foster child compared to preparing a nursery and your home for your babies. The main difference is Alissa would enter our home with opinions, judgements and preconceived expectations.

There are however some similarities such as safety. When we prepare for the babies we are looking at keeping them safe practically. We want to love and nurture them. Alissa would have felt exactly the same, that she wanted to feel safe in a home and loved. The babies hopefully will feel this immediately whereas Alissa needed time to feel this with us.

At the moment we are unable to prepare a nursery as we don’t have the room however we know that this will change. Firstly we are preparing Alissa’s and Amy’s (Neil’s daughter) rooms.

For Alissa this means deciding and helping with the decoration and plans. It embeds her sense of belonging. For Amy we hope it means that she feels welcome to stay as often as she likes. We hope that she feels like she is home from home.

We hope that they feel they have their own space at home but are immersed in our family home and life. We hope that they both feel comfortable to be here and build memories with the babies and us.

Doing this at the moment helps my need to nest! I am preparing the house and the enjoyment I get from making it a family home for all is meeting some of my needs. Especially during these difficult times due to the pandemic where so much of our pregnancy is affected by it.

I have never really understood comments made to me like wait till you have your own child or comments around the girls moving on or out to allow for room for the babies.

People have said to me in the past that when I hold my own baby I will understand the true love and connection, I will understand what it is like to be a mum.

This saddens me deeply. I am a mum. I have held my own babies in the palm of my hands. I am aware that Alissa and Amy have their biological mums, but this doesn’t lessen my role in their lives. My love for them both is not reduced because they didn’t come out of my vagina.

The way I parent them maybe different. I have to be respectful towards their upbringing and biological families. I look at them both with so much love. I look at them as my family too.

I know that they will both always want and need their mum and I don’t fool myself that this will be any different. I know that they will not call out “mum” for me but I know that I am a mother to them. I know how much they love me too.

I am the most blessed mum in the world. I am the mum who has cremated her children, suffered loss and the mum that has raised and loved non biological children.

There is enough love in this nest for all the family. Of course if we bring the babies home the love for them will be overwhelming and immense because it will not be just Neil and I that shower them with love. These babies have been longed for by so many.

These bricks and water that make our house may not be perfect or ready yet. The nest is still being prepared but the love in this family home has been waiting and ready for so much longer than the physical house.

Pregnancy after loss

I am writing this blog as I feel that there is a lack of awareness about how difficult it is to be pregnant after loss(es).

As humans we always like to hear good news stories and I have noticed that when I write about my current pregnancy I get lovely responses and support. However when I write about our losses, grieving, miscarriage or infertility the responses I get are more minimal.

Of course I am unaware if people read the blog and chose not to comment. I have found that people just don’t know what to say and so the majority say nothing. I have also found that those who have lost babies themselves are the ones that comment and relate to my words.

This is why I write and why I feel a blog like this is important to raise awareness and help people to feel confident to discuss or comment on these topics.

I am aware that I mention comments that have been said to us and this might make people worry about commenting. This is not my intention. I want to help people to think about their comments (including professionals I have talked about previously).

In the two years we have suffered six losses to date and whenever someone has made a comment I have never lost my temper. We know how hard it is to talk to us about our babies. We appreciate your attempts. I merely write to support others and raise the much needed awareness.

So with this in mind I want to discuss becoming pregnant after loss and how it is so difficult compared to the joy of pregnancy without the knowledge or pain of previous loss.

It starts at the very beginning, the pregnancy test. Anyone who has stared willingly at the stick hoping to see a positive result this time appreciates the intensity and anxiety at this point. A less than two minutes test that can change your life forever.

The heartache when you are trying to conceive and you stare month after month at a negative is soul destroying. Neil and I were fortunate that we only had this for nine months. We have fallen pregnant five times in just over two years. We know and appreciate this fortune.

For us the anxiety heightens with the positive pregnancy test as we are in the 10% of unknown reasons why we have lost so many babies. Kora and Ava were MCMA and informed the professionals that we can have healthy babies and go onto second trimester. They don’t know why our other babies heartbeats stopped.

This in itself is the hardest part of being pregnant now. When I share our progress I get lots of good intentioned comments about relaxing now that we are over half way. We are only two weeks past the stage where I delivered Kora and Ava.

As a sign language interpreter I work in many maternity appointments and have been involved professionally with scans, births and general midwife appointments. I have followed people’s pregnancy and their losses (even in third trimester).

We are also part of a support group for parents whose babies have been born sleeping or died after birth. We constantly hear of their losses.

I have said previously that I consider myself to be a positive person who on the whole will be optimistic, however I am also a realist. Therefore all those comments about relaxing or congratulations on being over halfway are taken with the intent that they are said.

However I repeat what I say regularly in my blogs that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. People announce at 12 weeks because we are told that our chances of pregnancy loss are reduced from this point. Yet 1 in 235 pregnancies in the UK are babies born sleeping.

Due to our experiences we are more than aware of these statistics. People might think when they read this that the statistic is high and the chances of this happening is low.

Neil and I have fallen into all the rare statistics in our pregnancies. 1% of identical twins are MCMA. Only 2% of IVF pregnancies result in ectopic pregnancy when there are no fertility issues. Only 1 in 70,000 women find that induction of labour doesn’t work for them. Having 2 embryos transferred only increases your chance of falling pregnant with 1 baby by 5%. 10% of miscarriages/pregnancy losses are unexplained.

These statistics are of course the ones that we have fallen into. So although people say to me they have a good feeling about this pregnancy, relax your over halfway, or congratulations, I can not forget that we are blessed to get this far.

I try to explain that we take each day as it comes and are grateful for everyday that the pregnancy is still progressing.

In the past a day after an operation to remove my tube and a baby someone said to me that if they win the lottery they will buy me a black baby. I’m unsure why ethnicity was mentioned or why they felt the need to say they would buy me a baby.

Even with mindless comments like these I have responded in a well mannered way and tried not to make that person feel uncomfortable.

During this pregnancy I have had many comments from people that have stopped at our doorstep state that I am not very big for someone carrying twins.

Initially Neil would worry about the size of me and my weight gain but after reassurances by professionals that the babies are growing perfectly he manages this anxiety well.

A twin pregnancy does not necessarily mean a huge belly or massive weight gain. Twins are often smaller in size as they are sharing the space. Two babies often weigh 10lb. Singleton mother’s can have one baby weighing this much.

Again this comment is not malicious but rather an observation. My advice to people would be that if you are aware of previous losses for the couple be mindful that anxiety will be high and comments that can contain negative connotations are probably best avoided.

This pregnancy has been filled with anxiety for both of us and still is due to what we know. When we were informed on our last scan that our girl has placenta previa we got many comments not to worry.

If the placenta does not move then the professionals have to avoid the possibility of us going into labour. Therefore the twins will be delivered much earlier to prevent this. This is because of the risk to both myself and the baby if a natural birth took place.

I know that people including myself and Neil remain hopeful that the placenta will move. Comments are made with this optimism and I understand this however I can not stress enough how this is a complication we just didn’t want in our pregnancy.

With so much anxiety already due to our losses any complications (even ones that may correct themselves) add more worry and concern.

We have started to buy essentials such as car seats now as we are more than half way through and twins can come from 26 weeks onwards.

Again this is testament to Neil and I who are hopeful that we will leave hospital with our babies. Yet we still don’t cut of the tags and keep the receipts and boxes. This is not because we anticipate the worse, it’s because we know it can happen.

We don’t have the full excitement and joy of buying and preparing for our babies and that is ok and understandable. It does not affect how much we already love our children. It does not affect our hope that we will bring them home.

Finally I personally have found our losses very hard to grieve as I feel the world and people are not ready to talk about this loss. I look back on my blogs and comments and notice we are inundated with comments when we discuss positives with the pregnancy.

However when I write about Kora and Ava, pregnancy loss, miscarriage or fertility issues the comments are minimal. This has made my grief very lonely and I hear from others who have lost that they feel the same.

Again intentions are well meant and a heart emoji on a heartfelt blog about loss, pain and grieve is probably the persons way of showing they care. I wonder why the words don’t flow? Are my babies not worth the time to type something? I know this is not the case but rather it comes back to the taboo of this topic and lack of awareness. Also a fear of what to say.

I guess I’m hoping this blog raises some awareness and helps people to think about their comments and give a grieving father or mother their time and thoughts. It’s ok not to know what to say or to say something and get it wrong.

I want people to feel confident to write something, pick up the phone, drop a text, pop round for a cup of tea. I want people to think carefully what to say but don’t be scared to show you care. I want to grieve in the way I did when I lost my mum. I want to be able to talk about my babies.

Grieving parents know it’s difficult to know what to say to them. They know you might say something that is perceived as wrong. We know this is a very hard subject to talk about. We know your fears. Don’t leave us isolated in an all consuming grieve. If you don’t know what to say then listen.

Understand that a pregnancy after loss is not the same as a pregnancy with no previous loss. Listen to the person and understand their anxiety. If you are unsure take their lead. Appreciate their fears and think about your comments but know that what you say is ok when well intended even if it isn’t the best comment.

Twenty weeks

It’s been a very long twenty weeks for us. Our pregnancy has been full of anxiety, scans and medical visits but we have made it to twenty weeks.

At our very first scan at the IVF clinic they consultant told us about disappearing twin and stated it can happen up to twenty weeks. It was an added concern at the time of an already anxious filled pregnancy but we are at that point and both babies are still growing!

Neil and I were a little more relaxed about going for this scan. It was only just over a week ago I had to attend the hospital due to a very unpleasant skin condition. I had to have blood tests and swabs.

During that appointment the midwife listened to both babies heartbeats. This meant that Neil and I knew just over a week ago the twins were doing well.

We walked into the hospital a little more confident than usual (Neil more so than me). I went to the toilet before the scan and then sat in the waiting room while Neil waited in the corridor.

I looked down at my new white shoes Neil had brought me for Christmas and was shocked to see a drop of blood on them. I panicked and text Neil saying I wanted to go to the toilet again to check if I was bleeding but was worried I would miss my name.

The anxiety got the better of me. It’s probably the first time I had been to the toilet and couldn’t remember if I had checked for bleeding. I went to the toilet to check but all was ok. Neil realised it was my toe that had started bleeding from the shoe rubbing which I had not felt.

I guess it was a stark reminder that I am still worried that there is a chance that we won’t bring the babies home and the fact there is no safe point in a pregnancy.

Neil and I were called quite quickly after that for the scan. It was the lady that had scanned me before during our last miscarriage and with the twins now. The lady whose eyes filled up when she was able to give me the good news about our twins.

I noticed Neil looked to the floor until she quickly said two healthy strong heartbeats. The sonographer was happy with both twins anatomy. However when she got to the girl she asked if she could preform an internal scan.

I knew this couldn’t be positive. She told us that her placenta is covering the birth canal/cervix. It’s called placenta previa. It is common in multiple pregnancies and at my age.

It affects 1 out of 3 pregnancies. 1 in 200 pregnancies continue with placenta previa into third trimester whereas 90% correct as the baby grows and the uterus expands.

It can result in bleeding in the pregnancy and ultimately if it continues to third trimester it can be dangerous to both mother and baby. A natural birth is not possible as they will not want the mother to go into labour due to the brisk bleeding that puts both mum and baby at risk.

The consultant told us that they will monitor us and see if the placenta moves and by week 34 we will have a birth plan of either natural or c-section. I have also been put on pelvic rest (no intercourse or intense physical activity).

The consultant also gave me the results of my swabs and bloods. I’m unsure what the skin condition was but it has resolved and I am told my results are good.

Ultimately I am not worried that we might have to undergo a c section if it means we are all safe and we all get to go home. Kora and Ava gave me the experience of a natural birth for which I am blessed.

What I am upset about is it’s a complication and a added worry that I was hoping to avoid in this pregnancy. I would prefer to have a natural birth purely because I don’t react well to operations and I want to be more aware of this birth as we have been through so much to bring our babies home.

There is also the financial impact of both being self employed and the recovery time impacting on what I can do with both babies on my own and how long Neil can stay with me.

Our plan is to save money so Neil and I can have about 3-4 weeks off together at the start but with the cost of building a loft room or moving house for the space required for our foster daughter and Neil’s daughter. A c section will be an added financial burden that we need to be aware of as we may need more time off together.

Most people will tell you that having one baby is expensive enough. Having two is literally double the cost! Again we are being sensible with what we will purchase and we have organised second hand for some of the expensive things.

We are very grateful to a friend of mine who just gave us a years worth of twin clothes for a boy and a girl particularly tiny baby clothes. Other people in our lives have also given us baby stuff or offers of help. These acts of kindness are truly appreciated even if it is a bit overwhelming.

We have finally purchased a few things ourselves but they are the things we will immediately need like the car seats to bring the babies out of hospital and home.

It’s all starting to feel more real especially with feeling her move regularly. I can’t feel him still due to where his placenta is lying.

I am going to try not to worry to much about the placenta pervia at this moment in time and I’m going to remain optimistic that it will move as they told me it is covering slightly not fully.

Well I tell myself I won’t worry but I can’t help tears filling my eyes now and then when I think of this complication and the risk. What mother and father want any risk to their babies?

I also feel a little disappointed that I couldn’t have just one easy uncomplicated pregnancy. I feel like I let Neil down and some how end up adding extra stress.

Hopefully on our next scan (25th January) she will have grown and they will have pushed my uterus out more making her placenta move out of the way.

Terrible two’s

It is with a very heavy heart that I write to our daughters who are not here but have given us so much. The 20th December (Sunday) you would have both be turning two. It was the c section date briefly discussed as you were MCMA. A natural birth we were told was not an option.

Having one placenta between you both would run the risk of it dropping leaving one of you inside the womb. We didn’t care how you arrived into the world at that point but we never imagined you would arrive early, naturally and sleeping.

I wasn’t ready to deliver you both. You were my first pregnancy and I didn’t have a clue what I was to expect. I thought we would follow the norm, find out we were pregnant and deliver you both.

I had worried that I would not know which one of you I had feed as you were to be identical. I was intrigued about how we would make sure you were treated as individuals and have the pleasure of watching you both grow.

I hadn’t had the chance to even think about your birth. I had not looked into labour, contractions, breathing etc. We were only 16 weeks and 4 days pregnant when they told us your heartbeats had stopped so we were definitely not prepared for you to enter the world. You did enter the world sleeping at just under 19 weeks pregnant.

I remember the days vividly (although some details are hazy due to trauma) as they are the only memories of you both. After the scan when we were told you had no heartbeats we were taken into a quiet room. I remember crying initially but that it stopped quickly and a numbness overtook me.

I was given a pill to swallow to end the pregnancy. It has to be the most bitter pill I have ever had to swallow. I knew you were sleeping but it felt so wrong to take the pill. Yet at the same time I knew I needed to deliver you so that both me, your dad and sister could meet you and say goodbye.

It’s surreal as the hospital then send you on your way and ask you to return in two days time. Those two days were ones I found the hardest. At nearly 17 weeks pregnant with twins I had a lovely little bump. It was clear to the world that I was pregnant! Only your dad and I knew that you were sleeping and soon to be on your way.

Of course the next day I came across a person that didn’t know I was pregnant, who saw my bump and exclaimed with excitement “You’re pregnant”! I couldn’t fight the tears back so I just asked her to stop. I would not have left the house but I was due in court as a Mckenzie friend and didn’t want to let the person down. I also wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

That day was the day I took a photo of my bump. I don’t know why I hadn’t kept a photo journal of my first pregnancy and it dawned on me that I had no bump photo. It is one I treasure now but when I look at it I can see the pure devastation and sadness in my eyes.

I am pregnant again now for the fifth time with a brother and sister of yours. I don’t know why but I still haven’t been able to bring myself to take a photo of their baby bump.

Your dad and I went to bed early that Friday. I guess we weren’t sure what to expect the following day. It was pointless as neither of us slept well. We just lay with each other completely bereaved.

We didn’t have a hospital bag packed and I’m grateful to my friend who told me to pack sanitary towels as I had no idea I would bleed so much and for so long after. I was a complete novice!

We were in hospital for 10 days whilst constantly being induced. I was the 1 in 70,000 that induction of labour fails to work. The midwives told me they had not experienced this before as it is quite rare.

The hospital experience was pretty dire but that is another story. What I took from this time was how close you brought your dad and I. Ten days of each other’s company with no breaks. We spoke so much and discussed the hardest of topics.

Did we want to bury you or cremate you? Did we want to hold you when you were delivered? What clothes should we wrap you in as nothing would fit? What songs should we would choose for your funeral?

The first form I ever signed for you was a pink form. It asked for the signature of the mum only. It was the first time I had been called mum and the form was your cremation one.

I’m not sure how your dad and I got through those 10 days but we did and I’m sure we owe it to everything you gave to us.

I went into labour on the 19th August 2018 but I had no idea it was contractions. The midwife team had overdosed me by 12 times the amount and so I was running a fever too. I was put onto an antibiotic drip and taken to the delivery suite.

Your dad held my hand the whole time and I remember looking at his face and feeling so guilty that I was delivering you both sleeping. When the midwife asked if I was in pain I replied only my in my heart.

I don’t know what to expect when I deliver your brother and sister. The room when I delivered you was so quiet. The midwives sat on chairs behind a table writing notes and your dad and I sat mainly in silence. I went into labour at 7am and into the delivery suite at 9am. I delivered you Kora at 10am and you Ava at 11:01am.

When you arrived in the world there was just silence. No cries, no joy, no relief just complete silence. At the time we decided not to hold you. We thought you would feel cold and we just weren’t sure what to do.

The midwives took your photos and we looked at you both cuddled together. We spent all of five minutes with you both. We know there is no wrong or right way to deal with grief or the loss of babies. However we both regretted not holding you.

We visited you again by appointment at the morgue. We both realised that we wanted to hold our beautiful babies before you were put into a coffin.

No one warned us that you would look different. At first we thought we might regret our decision however over time we have come to consider all the little moments we had with you are truly the most special especially as we will have no more with you.

We are so fortunate that we held you both and that we have some beautiful photos of you because Sunday we should be taking photos of you unwrapping your presents.

We are left with what ifs and I wonder what’s. We can only imagine how you the terrible twos would have made our home entertaining, joyous, loving and probably stressful at times. We can only wonder who you would have looked like and what our lives could have been.

It is one of the hardest days I find especially being close to Christmas. Yet somehow this year I am again thanking my blessings for all that you gave to us. You are the reason we know we can get pregnant and have healthy babies. You gave me the experience of pregnancy and delivery. You give us hope that we will bring your brother and sister home.

I can’t thank you enough for making me the person I am today or for making me realise how lucky I am. You are the reason your dad and I married so quickly and have helped me see the importance of parenting both my own biological and non biological children. You are the reason I write and the reason I find strength.

I love you both more than you will ever know and I wish you were here on your second birthday. Love you more than there are stars in the sky. Love your mum. X

Anxiety 1 – us 0

A week ago we went for yet another reassurance scan. We were hoping we would make the four weeks till the 28th December but our new best friend anxiety took a hold again.

I was coping ok initially and feeling confident that I could go the four weeks. Neil however wasn’t coping. I think men are often forgotten when we talk about fertility and pregnancy loss. I have said this before and this pregnancy has been very hard on Neil.

Neil looks for very physical signs in my pregnancy but of course most of these signs are internal and not obvious at this stage of pregnancy. However as my tummy has clearly arrived, Neil started to measure it.

This was the mistake we made. My tummy was shrinking rather than growing and no matter how much I tried to reassure Neil that the babies could have moved position or my water retention may have decreased, nothing helped him to relax.

I even openly spoke about my bowel movements and how irregular they had become and that if I had managed to go this would surely make a difference in bloating etc.

It wasn’t just the measuring of my tummy that was weighing on his mind though. I am in the lower end of weight gain with twins and this physical sign weighed heavy on his mind. Again I tried to reassure him that I am in fact in the band of weight gain for twins, I’m just at the lower end.

The final nail in the coffin was the fact that I wasn’t really feeling any quickening. For those that aren’t aware quickening is the first signs of the babies moving. It feels like popcorn popping in your tummy, bubbles, butterflies or waves like when you go over a bump in the road really fast.

At nearly 17 weeks and 4 days I should have been feeling something. I was getting bubbles on my right side but I was unsure if this was trapped wind as it was down just the one side. Worryingly I was feeling noting on my left side.

Neil would ask me regularly if I was feeling anything as this was a physical sign that only I would feel. He was also using that fateful friend google to look at images of other women’s tummy at the same stage of pregnancy with twins. He would also research about the size of the tummy.

No matter how many times I spoke to him to add some logic and rationale to his thinking, it was clear that his anxiety would not be settled by anything other than a scan.

His anxiety also got the better of me. I started to doubt myself after all he is the one in our relationship that has a living, breathing child. He has gone through a pregnancy and a delivery of his beautiful girl Amy. What did I actually know about babies or pregnancy at this stage? Kora and Ava had passed already at this stage and we delivered them at just under 19 weeks pregnant.

I booked a scan! I was hoping that it would be a positive outcome and I wanted us to hear their heartbeats. We have only ever seen all our babies heartbeats, we have never heard any before. It was a milestone that could be so special for us.

The private scan was again very professional. When we entered the room full of anxiety the sonographer asked Neil and I if we wanted the screen on at first. Neil always asks for it to be off until she knows that their heartbeats are still there.

She tells us that it will take her a little time to get her bearing and look at both babies. We sit in silence, Neil with his head down to the floor and my eyes boring into the woman looking for any sign on her face.

She is quick to tell us that there are two heartbeats and switches on the screen. This still makes me burst into tears, that relief that they are still ok is overwhelming.

She checked their vitals and pointed out all the very important things that told her they are both very healthy and that as far as she can see at this moment in time there is no reason to believe that they are will not come home with us. She did however state that she understands that this will only give us reassurance for today after all we have been through.

Then she asked if we wanted to know their gender. Neil was very quick to say yes. It was another milestone for us as Kora and Ava had everything except their genitals so were sexed by their placenta.

The gender reveal was in itself a very special moment! Twin 2 that always moves and kicks twin 1 in the head was laying there with legs apart making it very easy for the professional to tell us that twin 2 is a girl. Twin 1 was a little more difficult to sex but after wiggling my tummy with the probe the professional asked if we could see what she could and stated that he is very proud! Twin 1 is a boy. One of each!

I personally didn’t mind what gender our babies were as long as I brought them home safe and healthy. However now we know, I couldn’t be happier that we have one of each.

The professional also explained that I am in fact feeling her but that the boys placenta is forward and acting like a cushion so I may not feel much from him. This was the reassurance we needed.

I thought that when I could feel them I would relax a little however I know that having twins makes it harder to distinguish the kicks and count them accurately. Luckily as it’s a multiple birth we will be seen regularly and I guess we have to learn to trust ourselves a little more.

For now everything looks perfect. We know that there is no guarantees and no safe point in a pregnancy but we have to stay positive and hope that each day brings us a little closer to bringing them home safe and well.

Failure

I had a medical assessment yesterday as social services require one because Neil and I are kinship foster carers.

It involves answering questions about my general health and the doctor confirming any facts about my health and well being. I also have to undertake mobility, weight and height assessments.

As part of the lengthy form social services ask about our fertility and any losses. Of course Neil and I have already disclosed all of this information but have to go through the laborious task of repeating our personal information.

This is a tick box exercise in our circumstances as Alissa has been in our care for nearly 8 months already and we have been approved at panel. I was shocked when we received the approval letter from our panel and it was both positive and glowing about us.

So when the doctor got to the questions about previous pregnancies and fertility, I once again talked her through our losses. Her response was similar to most professionals and others, which was an assumption that we had lost due to chromosome abnormalities.

I had to talk her through the fact that we have had various losses. Most have been in rare percentages and all have been in the 10% of miscarriage where heartbeats have formed but babies have passed with no reason.

As a professional doctor she looked at my notes to confirm my statement and then responded by stating that I was right and that all fertility tests we have had, have in fact been returned with no issues or conditions.

With the information confirmed she wrote on the form. She spoke out loud as she wrote and said “well it’s clear you don’t have problems conceiving, you just fail to reach full term”.

She repeated this statement a few times in different ways but each time she said the words “I fail”. I was hesitant to challenge this statement as I guess I was upset and shocked at the time. The doctor was also very pleasant and obviously meant no harm or malice with her comments.

Later in the day her words kept ringing around my head. I fail! I became more upset as the day went on. I also wished I had maybe challenged the comment in a careful and diplomatic way.

I guess it was a rushed and unintentional comment. Yet I can’t help but feel that it was the wrong thing to say and that I have not failed. Kora and Ava are not a fail. They blessed me with a very quick natural conception. They gave us the knowledge that we could not only conceive but could have healthy babies.

They gave me the experience of labour and a natural delivery. They taught me love and loss in a way I had not experienced before. They taught us a grief like we had never felt. They taught us to survive and helped to grow us closer as a couple.

Every baby we have carried has taught us something new. Everyone of them has brought us hope. We have had heartbreak and learnt how to cope and carry on in other people’s world as ours will never be the same again. We have been blessed to be pregnant five times. We are fortunate.

I don’t feel the comment of failure is at all helpful especially when pregnant now with anxiety of bringing them home. We already fear that this won’t happen or that we will suffer another loss.

Fortunately Neil and I had our 16 week scan and check on Monday therefore we saw that both babies are healthy with strong heartbeats. The consultant told us that they look text book perfect and she can’t foresee any problems.

The scan allows us to feel relieved even if this only lasts a day or so. We know that we are one day closer and that at this moment in time we have two babies growing and developing perfectly.

We have four weeks till our next scan and to the all important 20 weeks where professionals believe we will carry both twins for the foreseeable (no disappearing twin). It will be as normal a long and anxious wait but we hope to be strong and not pay for a private scan.

The timing of this scan and the doctors comment has allowed me to reflect in a positive manner. I have never understood medical terminology such as non viable, failure, retained product or still born. It all sounds so impersonal and incorrect.

I strongly believe that the terminology bounded around is due to the fact pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject. If we don’t talk openly about our losses and how it affects us then how can we implement positive change and appropriate vocabulary.

I guess we all measure success and failure differently. I certainly wouldn’t ever measure a pregnancy loss as a failure though and it’s definitely not a comment I would say to a mother who has suffered loss regardless of how many weeks pregnant they were.

The pregnancy did not fail it ended early and the result of that end is empty arms, broken hearts and unused cots. It’s a raw reality and a grief that lasts the parents lifetime.

Irrational or rational?

If you are reading this blog then I kindly ask that you respect the fact that I am already a mother. I am a mother to angels, a step daughter and a foster daughter.

I feel that I am a mother with years of experience from the age 12+ and a mother with the most awful experience of delivering sleeping babies. I guess I’m the mother that no one would chose to be.

I am really struggling at the moment and I am writing this blog from a very self centred point of view and also do not include Neil’s thoughts or feelings.

This time of year is always tough for me. It’s around the time my mum died and it’s coming up to the date we would have had Kora and Ava by c section. These anniversaries also fall near Christmas time, a time of year my mum made so special for us.

My thoughts are also with my auntie at this time of year as it falls upon the time she became a mum to an Angel too.

I don’t know if it is the time of year that makes me feel more somber or if it is the pregnancy hormones making my emotions more heightened.

I have been very teary but I think it’s because I am almost at the stage of pregnancy where we lost Kora and Ava. It’s a milestone that we are edging towards and with it brings so much more questions and worries.

We are entering a stage of this pregnancy where previously we were surrounded by death, a prolonged hospital stay and delivery of our babies long before their December due date.

I am plagued with thoughts and I am unsure if other expectant mothers have these thoughts or if I have them because of what we have been through.

For example I worry that the world is going to be unkind to me and that something is going to go wrong. Not completely irrational as this has happened and could happen again especially with a multiple birth. 37-38 weeks pregnant feels like a lifetime to arrive at.

I worry that the scales are not reflecting the recommended weight gain or rather the very lower end of the weight gain for twin pregnancy and what this means. Again probably a justified worry as it’s about the health of the babies and the hope that nothing will go wrong.

A day with less pregnancy symptoms worries me horrendously. Where have the symptoms gone and what does it mean? Why am I not hungry? Why don’t I feel so sick today? Why am I not dizzy and where has the pulsate tinnitus gone? Why have I not felt any butterflies this time? I still wipe and check for blood after every toilet visit.

Probably a very rational thought process seeing as our pregnancy losses have had no bleeding as a sign, it’s been my gut instinct that has told me something is wrong. Checking for bleeding is the rational as this is a sign of loss (even if we have never had this).

Neil had feared the worst with Kora and Ava. I had blissfully entered the scan room believing the best news was still coming our way. Hindsight tells me the signs were there but I just hadn’t noticed them as it was my first pregnancy.

I had stopped having butterflies from their movements. I wasn’t hungry and the sickness had stopped. There was no bleeding though so I carried on planning, hoping, preparing and most of full of excitement and love. Something I now worry about doing.

I worry that I have no mother to support me or ask questions to in regards to what I am doing. Neil has been through the baby stage before whereas I have only ever held my babies in the palm of my hand.

I think about the practical aspects and whether I will be any good. Almost every woman I speak to tells me how they had support from their mum, after all they have been there and got the t-shirt. They have that extra support that I worry we don’t have (Neil’s mum also died young).

It’s a strange concept as if my mum was alive and here now she would be the first to tell you that she was not maternal. I worry that I might take after her and be fooling myself about my maternal instincts.

I worry that I will be on my own with not just one baby but two newborn babies. Neil reassures me that he is here too but I can’t help but feel that with us both being self employed it means that we need to work as well. We can’t both take time off as we need to put food on the table and provide for all our family. Again a rational and realistic thought I believe.

Most families I speak to have had employment and have been given maternity and parternity leave. They have also been in a position where one can work and the other can stay at home. Most of them also have had one baby not twins.

I worry that my close network of friends and family is very small. I worry that I am too proud to ask for help as much as I might need it. I have always been fiercely independent and pride myself on my achievements.

When Kora and Ava were delivered sleeping we had no choice but to return to work as we did not get the bereavement leave that others are entitled too. I delivered them on the Sunday and I was working on the Tuesday. We didn’t and still don’t have the luxury of bereavement leave or any kind of maternity/paternity leave.

I worry when I am on the toilet for bowel movements. It appears as an irrational thought that I might push so hard due to pregnancy constipation that a baby might drop into the toilet.

I know this sounds crazy but it stems from delivering Kora. Neil and I had decided the first twin out would be named Kora. The midwife made me sit on the toilet and push. Kora come flying out and smacked into the bedpan. It’s why she looks a little battered in our only photos.

We also experienced a medical miscarriage at home this May. This obviously involved passing the baby and sac in the toilet. So I guess this is where the fear comes from even if this one is irrational.

I worry that I will deliver the twins and then be the mother that ends up with post natal depression. It would be so ironic after everything we have gone through to become biological parents for me then to get something like that. Again not completely irrational and it happens to many mothers.

I worry about the labour and how different it will be compared to Kora and Ava. I am hoping for a natural birth but only time will tell. I had no idea what I was doing before as they came so early and I’m still not sure what I should do now.

I’ve not packed a bag before and I don’t know what to put in it for twins. I didn’t get the chance to breast feed Kora and Ava and I’m not sure what will happen with the twins.

We don’t know if we will have a natural birth or a c section as it all depends on the position of twin 1. We know that induction of labour didn’t work before. I still have no idea how we managed to deliver Kora and Ava with no preparation and knowing they were sleeping.

We haven’t purchased anything and we don’t have a nursery ready. These are the parts of a pregnancy that can bring so much joy. I seem to have acquired Neil’s fear previously with Kora and Ava that buying things will mean something bad will happen and again I’ll be left with an empty nest. A cot that never has a sleeping baby, a play mat that collects dust.

The biggest worry of all though is of course bringing them home safe and healthy. It’s coming up to our 16 weeks scan. The one that shattered our dreams with Kora and Ava. It’s probably the reason my anxiety is so heightened right now and also why I am overwhelmed with grief at unexpected moments.

As the scan draws nearer I worry that we will hear those words we have heard so many times. “I’m sorry there are no heartbeats”. We have fallen into the lower percentages in all of our pregnancies and on all but one pregnancy (Kora and Ava) there has been no reason for our loss.

This makes everyday in the pregnancy so very difficult as we just don’t know if all is ok. We bump into people and they very kindly ask how the pregnancy is going. I always answer with the same statement…”As far as we know everything is ok”.

This is how I live everyday, with hope that all is ok but with complete uncertainty that it is. When I spoke to the twin midwife this week it was so lovely to hear her reassure me that my fears are absolutely justifiable.

She stated that with our complex history and losses mainly without cause or reason we would understandably feel the anxiety and fears that we are.

I guess what I am learning is that on the whole we are doing ok with coping. It is ok for both of us to feel the way we feel. It is pointless when anyone says don’t worry as what parent doesn’t worry and as the professionals have said to us, we have every reason to feel the way we feel.

Our fears might be both rational and irrational but they come from our experiences so far and therefore are to be expected. I believe that we are all guilty of having irrational fears and as long as we then rationalise them this is in fact just the norm.

Our pregnancy was always going to be difficult especially with it being another twin pregnancy. We don’t have to be enjoying every moment of the pregnancy. I’m not sure why there is a pressure on couples to love every moment.

I don’t know where or when the pregnancy glow and the blissful happiness concept was derived. I know that many couples struggle with fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss and sleeping babies. Pregnancy can be a very daunting and worrying time!

Anxiety in pregnancy is ok and understandable and as long as we bring them home then we can enjoy every moment that we have with them because these ones are the ones we will watch grow! We will hopefully hold them not only in our hearts forever but in our arms too.

On the fence

We had another scan and this time the babies measured 14 weeks. This takes us back to the original dates we were given by the IVF clinic.

We paid for this private scan as we were concerned about waiting till 16 weeks. We have also had lots of stress in relation to the house and moving so it reassures us to check.

Twin 2 was again jumping around and almost kicking twin 1 in the head. Twin 1 was again relaxed. The sonographer was very experienced and understanding. She told us that the twins look perfect at this moment in time and that there is nothing to cause concern. However she finished by saying we can relax for the rest of the day and worry again tomorrow.

She was very aware of how difficult it is for Neil and I not to worry after everything we have been through. It was relieving to know that another professional is confident about our pregnancy even if we don’t always feel confident ourselves.

It’s a strange feeling at the moment as we have watched our babies grow since they were transferred as embryos. We have had a scan almost every week since 5 weeks. They have literally grown in front of our eyes and they aren’t even born yet.

It is rare to have so many scans. This pregnancy has already felt like 9 months with the amount of visits, scans, phone calls, injections, tablets and pessaries.

Although each scan confirms that all looks good at this moment in time it does little to reassure us as we know only to well how this can change.

However I have noticed that both Neil and I have started to look for baby equipment such as prams, monitors etc. Yet neither of us have actually committed to purchasing anything.

The twin books I read suggest we should have everything we need by 26 weeks as this is when they could make an appearance. They also suggest that we have a team of people ready to assist us as it is impossible to undertake everything on your own.

These books don’t take into account a global pandemic and the lack of support you can access or even family that you can’t see due to lockdowns. They also don’t take into account both parents being self employed and how to juggle earning an income and being new parents to twins.

The books also don’t cover moving house whilst pregnant or possibly moving just after giving birth. I personally find this part of our lives the most stressful (after worrying that the babies are ok constantly).

The amount of times we have prepared the house for a viewing for it to be cancelled or for the viewers to not even return calls. We have given up viewing ourselves now as the lockdown and Christmas have slowed the market right down according to the Estate Agents.

This really irritates me as I can’t understand that the market has slowed down if the two houses we offered on or wanted have been sold from under our feet. I also see lots of movement with the more run down properties so I’m guessing it’s an investors market at the moment.

We have decided there is no point in even looking until we have a offer on our property as we get excited thinking about the prospect of a house and planning a future for our family only to see it sold to someone else.

I feel like we are sat on a ticking time bomb. We have such little time to actually move house before the arrival of the babies and of course we know they will come early we just don’t know how early.

We can’t purchase equipment such as cots or prams as we need our house to look presentable and not full of equipment. We also can’t put our nursing chair or baby changer that we already have anywhere as we don’t have the room here.

It’s not how I imagined our pregnancy would unfold. I always knew that any pregnancy would be full of anxiety and stress but I hadn’t envisaged not having anywhere to call a nursery.

I feel like Neil and I are both sat on the fence unsure whether to buy anything that we and the babies will need as we know there are no guarantees in a pregnancy and because of lack of space.

We talked about baby monitors and Neil was almost ready to purchase one, yet I felt it was too soon. I wanted to wait for the 20 weeks scan as I guess in the back of my head we haven’t passed the time that we lost Kora and Ava and also we know that one twin can still disappear up to this time.

It’s a difficult situation to be in especially as I like to be organised. Yet I just don’t feel we are in the right place or time to purchase products.

It’s interesting when I talk to people they suggest or recommend that we move Alissa (our foster daughter) into the small room (Amy’s room) which wouldn’t even fit a wardrobe or they say Amy (Neil’s daughter) should understand that we need her room for the babies as she is now an adult.

It confuses me that people think that our babies needs are more profound then that of Amy and Alissa. We are a family. We maybe unconventional and we may not have planned to be foster carers but we are and this is our family now.

Practically the room we call Amy’s room wouldn’t even fit two cots, a baby changer and a nursing chair anyway. The truth of the matter is and has always been that we need more space for our growing family and this includes everyone of us.

We hope that Amy will be staying even more regularly then she does already as she will want to be involved in her siblings lives. There will always be a room in our house for Amy no matter what age she is.

Our house will always be open to Alissa as it has always been. We know that she will eventually live independently but we also know the importance of parental figures in her life and a room to come and stay in now and then, the same way Amy does. A place that they can always call home even if it is a second home.

Neil and I want to get excited about the pregnancy and birth of the twins but I can’t help that fear creeping in knowing that so much can still go wrong. I have also said before that I feel we are protecting ourselves by being truthful rather than naive.

It’s not that we are being negative but rather realistic and are only too aware of the possibilities and complications. I believe when I can feel the babies move and can count their kicks we might find some relief from our anxiety.

At this moment in time it’s impossible to know if everything is still progressing well without a scan. we just have to have hope that nothing changes between the scans.

I feel both Neil and I are feeling more confident between scans until the date comes close and then that familiar fear and anxiety set ins.

I guess this is because we have only ever known we have had a pregnancy loss via scans. My body seems to want to keep babies and doesn’t seem to get the information that the hearts have stopped.

Yet I still finish in the toilet by wiping and checking the tissue for blood. I think this is from our experience at 7 weeks when there was blood even if this has never been a sign for us previously.

I guess these fears and worries will probably subside but remain for the whole of the pregnancy. What I know is that Neil and I are good at communicating with each other and have grown stronger through our experiences.

The house and a nursery is of course a unwanted stress but it’s a practical issue that we can only do so much about. I feel that we will overcome any challenges we face and will make our situation work whatever it might be.

We are parents to angels and have left the hospital without our babies. I honestly believe that nothing will come close to how difficult that was. When you have cremated your children you are never the same person, life is never the same and your perspective changes but what does amaze me is just how resilient we are.

The most important thing is to bring these babies home and the love they already have from so many people give Neil and I the confidence that we can face whatever life throws at us together in our unconventional but loving family.

Second Trimester

It has been a difficult week emotionally. I’m not sure if it’s my hormones at this stage or if it’s the fact the anniversary of my mum passing is fast approaching.

I’m also very mindful that Kora and Ava passed in the second trimester. I don’t feel safe that we have reached the 13th week, the fear is all too real.

It’s also getting close to Christmas. It’s the time of year my mum loved the most. It’s the time of year I love too. December now also holds another meaning for Neil and I. Kora and Ava would have been delivered via c section on the 20th December. They would be 2 years old this December.

Alongside these memories and anniversaries we have had to contend with an aggressive and nasty man whilst delivering parcels. Due to Covid19, Neil and I took on a delivery role to bring extra income to our household. We are both self employed and were affected by Covid.

We now work seven days a week most weeks to ensure we can put food on our table. We are key workers and have noticed a change in attitudes over time.

I wouldn’t normally allow a stranger to impact my life so much but Saturdays altercation really upset me. I think it was the point where the man waited for Neil to move away from our car to come out and shout at me through the open window.

When I put my hand up to ask him to stop and stated I was pregnant and requested he refrained his response was, and I quote “I don’t care”. I was frustrated with myself because I responded and reacted.

I let him get the better of me and stress me out. I then burst into tears when home because I was disappointed in myself for reacting. I want to be a good role model and mother and I felt I let down my foster daughter (Alissa) and was worried the stress may have affected the babies.

I couldn’t face leaving the house again so Neil and Alissa continued with the parcels whilst I tried to pull myself together and calm down.

I have also let worry take over in relation to moving. Ideally we would like to move before the babies arrive so we can have a nursery ready. I also don’t like the idea of moving with new born twins into a house that requires lots of work.

It’s a frustrating situation to find ourselves in as we get a call that sounds promising in relation to a viewing. We prepare the house and tidy up all whilst working and dealing with family life. On Friday the people viewing our property just didn’t turn up!

It’s an added stress that we don’t really need righty now. I think this is also putting a strain on Neil. I caught him staring at me and when I asked him what he was staring at he told me I am beautiful and he loves me.

The look however told me different. I asked him if he was ok and he admitted that he is worried that all the stress has affected the babies. He is also worried how we would cope if anything happens this time and has a fear we will have to face is alone due to Covid.

It’s very hard in the second trimester to remain positive with our history and with the signs and symptoms that we have relied on to assure ourselves that all is ok, starting to dwindle it’s an anxious time.

I am not feeling as nauseous and the dry retching had almost stopped. My boobs are not so sore. When I rang the EPU to ask what I should look out for now to know everything is ok the nurse told me the fact that my boobs aren’t so sore, and I’m not feeling as sick.

I guess I have lost a little faith when I spoke to the consultant from the multiple pregnancy clinic this week. She had not read my notes and stated she knew I had some miscarriages but there is no reason for this to have happened.

For the second time in a week I had to explain about Kora and Ava. I had to explain about our pregnancy losses. I had to explain that all our babies had heart beats. Seeing these babies heartbeats at a scan relieves us for that moment but we know that come the next scan things could have changed.

The consultant agreed to undertake a reassurance scan at 16 weeks so we don’t have to wait from 12 to 20 weeks. However this is still 4 weeks! I am not ashamed to say that after Neil told me his worries, I booked and paid for a private scan this week.

I feel that there is no harm in reassuring ourselves. The stress and worry in our lives right now will not help our pregnancy so anything we can do to put our minds at rest is fine by me. The scan will be done when I’m 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We will then have to wait only 2 weeks for our 16 week scan.

We also received a letter in the post this week following our screening test. As I am old and pregnant the NHS complete a blood test to screen for Downs, Edwards and Patau’s syndrome. The letter states the same as it did for Kora and Ava that there is no risk.

It is a relief to get this letter purely because the world we live in is one where parents have to often fight the system to get what their child needs. We have fought so hard to bring babies home and I selfishly hope that we don’t have to constantly fight for their requirements.

I am aware that people who know us or read my blog will tell me to relax and not to worry and considering our history I feel on the whole Neil and I achieve this most days. However it would be impossible for anyone to relax in our situation when we have lost so many babies.

I have found people are very quick to comment (usually with the best intentions) but without stopping and thinking about the comment they pass. Comments such as we will make good parents or are you ready for twins.

Neil and I are already parents to his daughter Amy and our foster daughter Alissa. More importantly we are both parents to angels. Being a parent to angels and never getting to watch them grow up is the hardest parental role ever.

So when you ask if we are prepared for twins, or question the doubts we have about our pregnancy or parental capabilities then please know that we are willing and hoping that we will bring these babies home. Any challenge that we face raising twins will never be more difficult then living without the babies we should have brought home.

A Pain Like No Other

I have been touched and saddened by the recent revelation from Chrissy Teigen and John Legend that they delivered their baby Jack sleeping. If you are unaware Chrissy Teigen posted photographs on Instagram which captured their delivery of their baby.

When looking at the photos you can see the grief and heartache. It is raw and emotional. They are photos I can truly relate to. They are photos that most people would not want to imagine being a part of.

I understand that for some people this grief and loss is something that can not be imagined and is feared. I was saddened that Chrissy Teigen was criticised for sharing these moments.

Those moments like any delivery of a baby are the most precious times. The difference is that like myself these are the only memories she will have to hold onto. As parents they will not have a life filled with watching their son Jack reach milestones, grow and develop.

I have photographs of Kora and Ava. I personally have only shown a handful of people (close friends and family) and often that was because they wanted to see the photos to help them grieve or to help me grieve.

I don’t hide my photos but they are also not on display. They are however my most treasured memories of Kora and Ava. I completely understand why Chrissy Teigen writes that she had to capture those moments as she never wanted to have to ask about them.

Details fade over time and memories become a little less clearer. Usually when you have delivered your baby these memories fade to include ones of growth and development.

It really highlights to me just how much baby loss is still a taboo subject. If the photos were of Jack being born alive this would be news for a day followed with congratulations. Yet the photos that were very respectfully taken faced criticism.

Chrissy had documented her pregnancy on social media the same way most of us document our lives. We all post photos and comments made by our children. Often we do this as we want to be reminded of these moments.

There is no difference in wanting to remember the ONLY moments they will ever have with their son. They did not get to leave the hospital with their son. They will not get to hear his first word, see his first steps, take the yearly school uniform photo.

We as a nation have become so much better around accepting and publicly talking about sensitive topics such as cancer, mental health, Alzheimers etc.

We sit and watch a documentary filmed by Freddie Flintoff talking openly about his Bulimia and praise his bravery for highlighting male mental health. We see people like Gareth Thomas openly talk about being gay and having HIV.

They are celebrities raising awareness in topics that still need so much more awareness and understanding. They use their fame to support and help others who may be experiencing similar.

In my opinion Chrissy Teigen has done exactly the same. She is trying to raise awareness on a topic that is rarely talked about.

I sit here today pregnant with twins that I can only hope are thriving in my womb. My pregnancy is surrounded by anxiety as Neil and I have experienced many losses of babies. We have delivered our identical twin girls and left the hospital without them.

We hope that we get to bring these babies home. We hope that we get to watch them grow and develop. We hope that we get to see the colour of their eyes, their first word, first steps and so on.

However Kora and Ava will never be forgotten. The pregnancy losses we have endured will never be insignificant. The heartbeats that we saw that went on to stop will never be diminished.

I often get the photos out of Kora and Ava just to look at them. All of our scan photos are treasured and kept. Every baby has left a hole in our heart and our arms empty.

Our lives are filled with what would or could have been. Bringing these twin babies home will never stop us from loving or grieving our losses but it will enable us to shower them with the love we would have given to all of our children.

I hope that the world becomes a little kinder around miscarriage, pregnancy loss and sleeping babies. I hope that we learn to embrace the topic and allow parents to grieve in a way they feel they need to. I hope that people empathise and become more understanding of this pain. I hope that we support people in their most vulnerable moments.