Twelve weeks

It’s official we have reached twelve weeks. Interestingly I don’t feel relieved or safe. I am too aware that we lost Kora and Ava in the second trimester and that there are no guarantees in a pregnancy.

This past week has been very stressful due to external factors. I was so stressed it blocked all my pregnancy symptoms and we had to call the early pregnancy unit (EPU) for reassurance.

When you are pregnant everyone tells you to try and relax and not to stress as it’s not good for you or the babies. However life is not always kind and sometimes certain stress is unavoidable.

We are now having to move house, a very difficult decision as we have made our house a home. It was not our choice to move house and we would never have thought to do this while pregnant. However the situation has arisen and we are hopeful that we (as always) will make the best out of this situation.

We know that as a team we made our house now the most beautiful home. We know that we can do it again. We also know that a home is made by the people in it and we hope that our home will be welcoming another two in the near future.

I would be lying to myself if I said it will be a breeze after all buying and selling a house is in the top four most stressful things to undertake. it’s not just the moving either, it’s the preparing and decorating that will follow.

I’m not sure how much energy I will have if we are blessed to be heavily pregnant at this point. However I have been taken aback by the kindness of our friends and family who have said they will help both practically and emotionally.

I can not express my gratitude to the professional support at the EPU. They are very aware of my anxiety around this pregnancy and always offer to scan me if it puts my mind at rest.

I am also proud of myself for dealing with the stress and waiting for our twelve week scan which we had yesterday.

It was not as straight forward as I or Neil had anticipated. I thought we would be there a maximum of thirty minutes. We were actually at the hospital for three and a half hours.

Neil had to wait in the corridor until my name was called (along with all the other expectant dads). Whereas I had to sit in the waiting room. I’m not sure if it was this that set my anxiety levels off or if it was just the fact we were facing another scan.

I could feel my tears build up in my eyes as I sat and worried what we would be told today. I guess all the stress above had made me feel that the babies had been put at risk. I’m not sure I will ever feel relaxed before a scan as it has always been a scan that has given us the news that our babies have died.

It wasn’t too long before my name was called and I collected Neil from the corridor. We went into the scan room and Neil’s face looked like how I was felling. I wonder how much anxiety had overwhelmed him whilst waiting alone.

The sonographer was clearly aware of our anxiety and was quick to tell us that both babies had heartbeats. I can’t help it but the relief comes flooding out in tears.

This scan was of course the first scan that most couples would be having at this point in time. It is probably where they would be told if they were having one or two babies.

My thoughts fall on our 12 week scan for Kora and Ava which was actually when I was 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We had a suspicion we were having twins but the shock was clear when they confirmed it.

I can’t imagine now going through 13 weeks of pregnancy in a blissful and naive manner whilst expecting only positive news at the scan. It is crazy to think that we have already had six scans with this pregnancy.

The babies were not behaving for the scan. Twin one was curled up and playing with its cord (something that frightened me to see as it was the cords that cut off Kora and Ava’s blood supply). Twin 2 was jumping all over the place.

This made it very hard for the sonographer to confirm that the babies had their vitals such as bladder, stomach, two parts of the brain etc. Due to this and after 30 minutes of trying to measure them she asked us to go for a walk and have a sugary snack.

We then had to wait again (separated as before) until my name was called again. The second time took a further 30 minutes but eventually we had the confirmation that all looked text book perfect at this stage.

Due to my age I was also had a blood test to screen for various syndromes. We had this with Kora and Ava too and their results came via letter indicating a low chance of any syndromes. We have to wait for the results for up to 7 working days.

After the scans Neil was asked to leave the hospital whilst I was asked to remain to see the midwife and ensure I was given an appointment with the twin pregnancy consultant.

After a long wait the midwife called me over and her opening question was is this my first pregnancy and did we just find out today that I was pregnant with twins.

I have to be honest my heart sank a little when she asked these questions. It adds to the worry that they are not going to look after us as they should.

To my surprise after I told her our history she admitted that we were not looked after properly in relation to Kora and Ava and also that we should have been scanned much more.

This would not have changed the outcome of what happened but maybe it would have prepared Neil and I for what was meant by our high risk pregnancy.

With all this in mind the midwife stated that this time we would be seen regularly not only for scans but by the twin consultant and the twin midwife team. She then handed me a folder with all appointments completed except our 20 week scan.

They will call us to confirm the 20 week scan as we are actually 20 weeks on Christmas Day or Boxing Day (give or take as no one can agree on how pregnant I am).

The midwife gave me some contact numbers but stated we can’t use or call them until we are 22 weeks pregnant. In the meantime it is the EPU’s responsibility to look after me. This is because medically babies are not considered viable until 24 weeks!

She also told me that I won’t have a standard midwife. I will be seen at the hospital during the appointments she gave me by the twin pregnancy midwives. I’m not sure how confident I feel about this as I think I would like a named person I can call at anytime. However I am hopeful that they intend to look after us well this time.

Of course the news we received yesterday was the best we could expect. Everyday we edge a little closer to that photograph and to bringing them home.

There is so much happening in our lives at the moment and it is both scary and exciting. What keeps me grounded is that as a family unit we are solid. I know that we can make a house a home and I know how much love our home is filled with. It also helps to be married to a handyman and carpenter!

I guess all these situations are sent to try us and what better way to prepare us for twins then to send us unexpected and unnecessary challenges!

Harsh Reality

My last blog I wrote about how Neil and I were starting to dare to dream. We have been looking into extending or moving as we simply don’t have enough space for twins, Amy (step daughter) and Alissa (foster daughter).

We were anxious about making these plans as we know that no pregnancy has any guarantees (a statement I find myself repeating a lot). Moving house is stressful in itself as is having building work carried out.

Yet we need to undertake this work or move realistically and as soon as possible but we are still a fair distance from bringing these babies home. We need to plan for a future we are hoping for but we know is not guaranteed.

This week has been particularly tough. I am having pregnancy insomnia and feel sick everyday, all day, especially after eating food. I am trying to keep my job and earn a living being self employed and we are still working weekends too. I am trying to run a house and look after all of those in it.

Trying to do this when feeling constantly sick and tiered has been difficult and my emotions are running away with me.

We had a scan yesterday with a consultant but it was cancelled again so I had to go in on my own whilst Neil sat in the corridor. Before the scan we had received conflicting advice regarding the medication and pessaries and when we should have stopped them.

This lead to me and Neil feeling very anxious that we would arrive at the scan to find out that we had sabotaged the pregnancy by stopping the support too early.

I was so tense and wound up before the scan and although my body was screaming at me that everything was fine with the babies, otherwise why would I feel as sick as a dog, my heart was petrified that I would hear those words “sorry there are no heartbeats”.

Like any perspective or active parents, Neil and I want to do what’s best for the babies. However if the consultants seem to differ with what is right or best then how are we to know!

This scan was the first abdominal one I have had. The babies are big enough now for them to be scanned this way. Yet again I burst into tears with relief when they told me that they could see both heartbeats.

It was a beautiful scan. One baby was moving and just wouldn’t stay still. The other baby was curled up sleeping and the sonographer had to poke my tummy with the ultrasound machine to wake the baby so she could take measurements.

The mixed emotions I feel around this are probably impounded by the pregnancy hormones. It saddens me that Neil does not get to be with me during these scans and to witness our babies growing. This is even more prominent when you consider our past and how some of these little memories and moments are all we have.

It also saddens me that our pregnancy is blighted by anxiety which is often only understood by those that have lost or attended their babies funeral.

The amount of times I have heard try to relax or think/hope for the best! Neil and I do think/hope for the best (hence the plans we are putting in place). Considering our losses and experiences I would say we are as relaxed as possible and doing a great job in getting through each day.

However this doesn’t alter the fear and anxiety. It is only natural that we would be aware of this when we have been through so much.

When my scan had finished I was waiting in the area for the nurse and was sat opposite another woman. It’s always a awkward encounter as the majority of women sat in that chair are having a scan or have been scanned and received the devastating news.

Sometimes we have the uncomfortable moment of catching each other’s eye. Sometimes some women want to talk and others prefer to sit with their own thoughts. Others sit there quietly with tears in their eyes or rolling down their cheeks.

I was very aware that I was sat there this time with yet more positive news. I chose not to make conversation for this reason. However the girl opposite me asked me if I was ok.

We struck up a conversation and found out we had both surprisingly fallen pregnant similar amount of times in two years. I would guess that the woman was about 10 years younger than me.

I felt an instant connection with her and was devastated for her when she spoke about her pregnancy losses and how she has never seen a heartbeat on any of her babies. She falls into the 90% of recurrent miscarriage that are linked to chromosome abnormalities. On that day she had received news that her pregnancy looked viable at this stage. Her next scan will hopefully show a heartbeat.

I felt more comfortable to tell her that I was pregnant with twins. We had lots in common including hope and mindset in general. The difference was that Neil and I fall into the 10% bracket where they don’t know why the babies are lost or why their hearts stopped.

This is what makes our pregnancy anxiety ridden. We just have to take each day as it comes and hope that each scan continues to bring us the best news possible. We also have to hope that the babies stay safely in the womb to as near to the due date as allowed.

Yesterday I also received a message from a woman I know who was expecting her baby in December. However heartbreaking news followed that she delivered her little girl at 31 weeks sleeping. No one knows at this moment why this happened.

It was the harsh reality staring me in the face and I repeat THERE IS NO SAFE POINT IN A PREGNANCY! Being pregnant does not mean that you will definitely get to hold your baby or that when you do they will not be born sleeping.

My heart is truly broken for the mother and father and I hope that the help and advice I have given them will be of some use. I hope that they reach out when they need someone and I hope that they are kind to themselves while they grieve. Their lives will never be the same again now.

Neil and I have felt so much love and support during this pregnancy from people who read my blog to people that are in our lives as friends or family. We are grateful that you are all hoping for the best for us, as we are too. We appreciate your comments and know that they are meant in the kindest way.

It is our hope that keeps us going and it is your hope that helps us through. We do know the harsh reality of pregnancy and loss as we have been there many times but we also know that whatever is going to happen it is out of our control. We have to live with the reality whilst remaining as realistically optimistic.

Dare to Dream

We had another scan yesterday. We will be 10 weeks pregnant this Friday. For us this time has moved so slowly and has been filled with anxiety.

I was left feeling very emotional and couldn’t stop crying for hours. I had built my anxiety level to such a heightened state with fear that the IVF clinic would say different from the NHS.

So when the scan went perfectly and the confirmed two heartbeats still beating and stated that they can’t see any reason at this moment in time to concern them, my floodgates opened!

For me this was most definitely the first time I thought we might just bring these babies home. Of course we are not out of the woods yet. We know the fact that we could lose one twin up to 20 weeks however early scans show this to be unlikely.

We also know more than most that there is no guarantee in any pregnancy. We know that as we are having a multiple pregnancy this brings extra risks such as premature births. Finally we know personally people that have got to full term or as near to and have not walked out of the hospital with their baby.

Yet the scan has left me feeling hopeful. The reaction of the medical professionals when looking at our babies gives me faith that these two are coming home.

All week Neil and I had seen just one magpie everywhere. That feeling of impending doom was engulfing my heart even if I did still feel pregnant. My mind was telling me that I would still feel pregnant as it’s twins and the levels are higher regardless of whether their hearts were beating.

I can honestly say now that I’m done with magpies. Two weeks in a row we have seen one magpie at crucial timing and yet still had the best news.

This doesn’t mean our fear has completely disappeared but it does mean that I have started to google information about raising twins rather than percentages of pregnancy loss at this stage of pregnancy.

I already know the percentages but that doesn’t stop me googling every twinge or cramp and what it might mean, fearing the worst.

This is the second time now that a nurse has said to us that we need to try and relax now as all looks perfect at this point in time. I guess that’s exactly it…at this point in time!

When we reflect on our fertility journey and the amount of loses we have suffered, it is clear why we would hope for the best but fear the worst. When you have held your babies only for them to be put in a coffin and not come home, then anxiety and fear are only to natural.

Neil picks me up on my hesitancy or the time when I add hopefully to someone’s sweet statement. I guess I think I’m still protecting myself.

By keeping in the back of my mind that something might go wrong, that our babies might not come home doesn’t really protect me. How could it? I am already besotted and in love with these little cherries growing inside of me.

I secretly hold my tummy at night and smile from ear to ear knowing that they are in there. I have already imagined our life with the twins. I see Alissa (foster daughter) falling in love with them and Amy (Neil’s daughter) visiting so regularly because they have stolen her heart and she can’t get enough of them.

We are nesting and preparing. We are deciding the set up of the home and how we are going to manage. We are planning a future and it is one that includes the twins.

I’ve downloaded books and reading up on becoming a biological parent to babies! I’ve looked at practical help when dealing with two babies at once.

I’ve panicked and spoke to Neil about my fears of not knowing what to do with babies. I had a whole rant with both irrational and rational fears of what I will do when we do bring them home.

Neil smiled and kindly reminded me that no one knows what they are doing when they become a first time mum to living biological babies. He also reminded me that he is with me and that I am not alone.

These kind words reminded me that I am in fact a mother in the hardest most difficult way as we have angels! As a mum and dad we dealt and coped with this in an honourable way and we have in fact managed day to day with a grief that some can’t even begin to imagine.

What is clear is that we are daring to dream. We are believing that our dream will come true and we will walk out of that hospital with two babies! I will get that photo and it will be framed and on the wall!

That photo will tell so much more then what it shows. It will show our rainbows, it will be a nod of respect to all the babies we have lost and it will be the start of a new chapter regardless of whether we have a clue or not, what to do with two!

Baby Loss Awareness

Grief has no timescale. If you are blessed enough to have gone through life without being affected by the loss of a loved one then hold onto that dearly.

However the reality is that most of us have experienced the loss of a loved one. This November it is 6 years since my mum passed away. I have learnt to carry on living my life without her but not a day goes by when I don’t feel an almighty absence.

I often find myself suddenly overwhelmed with grief at moments that I want to share with her and even random times when she just creeps into my thoughts.

I understand the statements by others when they express the length of time that their loved one has passed. The length of time is somehow looked upon as the time past that the person left behind should have adapted by now.

I’d like to get people to look at it differently. I never got to tell my mum I was pregnant for the first time. I never got to introduce her to the love of my life. I never got to show her the house that I have made a home and I never got to cry in her arms when I cremated my children.

The time that has past hasn’t made any of this easier. It has not healed me. I have learnt to cope with the other loved ones in my life. I have learnt to carry on without my mum who died young.

I have often spoke about this grief and how it is more widely accepted, a mother passing before her child. It is also a grief that many can understand as they too may have lost their mother or father.

This week October 9th-15th is Baby Loss Awareness. You might not be that aware of this. If you see a house lit up with pink and blue during this time scale then know that they have been affected by pregnancy loss or neonatal death or are supporting someone they know who has been.

Maybe you are more aware of the wave of light. I know some of my friends are as on the 15th of October I often get a few texts saying they have lit a candle for Kora and Ava and all the babies lost or born sleeping.

Mental Health Awareness day also falls into the same time period. Many people who have lost a baby also suffer with mental health. Mental health affects 1 in 4 people statistically. It has rightfully become more talked about and focused on by the media.

Pregnancy loss affects 1 in 4 people. The same statistic. I suspect you can probably know easily how many friends or acquaintances in your life are affected by mental health. I wonder if you are as aware of how many have been affected by pregnancy loss.

I believe we should talk about mental health and that we have a long way to go to beat the stigma around it. I also believe that we are so much further away from talking openly about pregnancy loss.

I have not kept my current pregnancy a secret. I have written about it from the start of IVF. I have said many a times that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. We often wait for 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy as it is believed that at 12 weeks we have less chance of miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

Statistically this is accurate. However Neil and I have experienced pregnancy loss in the first trimester and the second (past the 12 weeks). If we don’t announce a pregnancy before 12 weeks how do we then announce or talk about the loss?

If most people don’t announce their pregnancy before 12 weeks it is clear why early miscarriage is often a private grief. It also then impacts the taboo subject and is another reason we don’t talk about it.

1 in 250 pregnancies result in sleeping babies and 1 in 13 babies are born prematurely. So why don’t we talk more about baby loss?

I believe there are many factors that prevent us talking about pregnancy loss some of which include fear, medical terminology, differing attachments to the unborn or even born sleeping babies and so on.

What I do know is the heartache and all encompassing grief that a pregnancy loss brings. Neil and I know the pain of holding our babies but leaving the hospital without them. We know the pain of attending a funeral service with the smallest coffin you will ever see.

We know the pain of creating a nursery for the cot to remain bare. We know the pain of only imagining who they would have looked like or what colour eyes or hair they would have. We know the pain of those words “I’m sorry there are no heartbeat(s)”.

We know the pain of the memory box with the photos of our babies. We know the pain of holding that photographic paper or the scan image instead of our babies. We know what it is like to have both an empty heart and empty arms.

I hope now, you know why it is so important to break this taboo, this silence. Let’s help mothers and fathers dealing with pregnancy loss to grieve in the way we allow for other losses. Let’s start that difficult conversation as it’s the right thing to do.

A Prison Sentence

I was talking to a very good friend on the phone the other day and he referred to my pregnancy as a prison sentence. I laughed as I knew what he meant. He said he feels like he is actually marking off the days on the wall.

Of course most people would not refer to their pregnancy as a prison sentence but may count down the days till they meet their bundle of joy in excited anticipation. They probably enjoy the experience of their pregnancy and don’t even stop to think that it may not result in that living baby.

Neil and I have been marking off the days. We take each day as it comes and we are grateful for every day that we are a little closer to holding our twins in our arms and taking them home.

I find that we are working our way through milestones. The first being holding onto the positive pregnancy test, then having the scan to make sure it is viable, waiting for the scan to see if there were heartbeats and now counting down each point as we move forward.

After seeing their heartbeats we knew that this reduced the chance of losing them however we have of course been there many times and still lost our babies.

Our most recent scan on Tuesday was cancelled as the consultant had to undertake surgery. This meant that the hospital offered us a scan via a sonographer again but once more Neil would not be allowed in.

After talking it through with Neil, he decided that he needed to know that they both still had heartbeats. We agreed to the scan where only I would be allowed in. I personally dread this as I worry that I will face bad news on my own but I’m unsure I would have lasted another week.

We are past the 8 weeks mark in our pregnancy and if this scan showed their heartbeats then we had reached another milestone as the rate of miscarriage drops a little more. Our babies are now also medically referred to as a foetus rather than an embryo.

I burst into tears again as the sonographer told me that she could see both babies heartbeats. At 8-9 weeks pregnant the heart has developed the four chambers. It is getting stronger and so are they.

The relief of seeing their heartbeats is overwhelming. However the anxiety does not subside! Neil has stated that now we have past 8 weeks he feels more relaxed and hopeful.

I would love to say that I too feel this way, but I don’t. I remain hopeful and positive but I just can’t let go of the worry and anxiety. They say knowledge is power however the knowledge I have gained around pregnancy sometimes hinders my emotions.

I am literally in that prison cell marking of each milestone and they feel like they take forever to arrive! For me the next milestone is our scan next week when we will be 9 weeks 4 days pregnant.

This scan is at the IVF clinic. Our last pregnancy we had seen the heartbeat of our baby at 6 weeks and 1 day but when we went, at 8 weeks, to the IVF clinic for a private scan they informed us that the baby had no heartbeat.

I want to get the private scan over and done with and to see both their heartbeats again. I want to be another week closer to bringing them home. My anxiety around the scans has shifted to the fear of losing one twin and the knowledge that this can happen up to the 20th week.

The days between the scans my mind wanders! I worry that I don’t feel as hunger or as sick as I did the days before. I start to think my sense of smell has decreased. I tell myself my boobs are sore because of the pessaries rather than being pregnant. I wipe after going to the toilet and every time I check the tissue for blood. I question if I am still visiting the toilet as much as before.

In truth I know that this fear probably won’t fade and I will carry the anxiety throughout this pregnancy. It’s to be expected when you take into consideration our history.

Friends have asked me if I will feel more relaxed at any point in this pregnancy and the truth is I won’t. I am aware that we have to pack our hospital bag by the 26th week as we are having a multiple pregnancy and this often results in early labour.

This brings the fear of neonatal care and the babies being in the outside world fighting on their own to survive instead of being in my womb with my body supporting them.

We are more than aware of all the complexities we could face by having a multiple pregnancy but as each week passes we become more optimistic (even if I don’t sound it when writing).

I guess that looking at it as prison sentence we know that we are going to have an early release we just hope that this is not too early. As each day passes or we reach another milestone we mark another day off. We adjust to our daily life but look to our due date with hope and relief.

Self preservation.

I’m already madly in love with both of the babies that are growing inside me. This frightens me as I know how hard the potential fall can be! Im definitely not enjoying the pregnancy but my self preservation is slipping as each day passes. My hope grows as much as my love!

I have never known time to pass so slowly. We are two months into our pregnancy but it already feels like a lifetime. Everyday is a worry and every night is plagued by the unconscious mind. I don’t think one minute goes by that I am not thinking about our babies.

I close my eyes at night, exhausted and grateful to get into bed. This is when my subconscious comes alive and still won’t let my anxiety and worry disappear. I wake suddenly, usually needing the toilet and filled with fear.

I’ve been dreaming of loss! I know it’s because this is our waking fear but I go to sleep hopeful that I will get some respite from my cruel mind.

It’s hard to rationalise the pregnancy. We know that there is no reason for us to lose the babies but seeing as there has never been a reason (except Kora and Ava who were high risk) it’s hard to hold onto this.

How do we get through each day with hope? We have both been too worried to allow our emotions to run away with the pregnancy. We don’t wake up with a smile on our faces as soon as we remember I am pregnant. We don’t walk around with a grin on our face knowing that behind my average looking body we have two more heartbeats growing inside.

We are not rushing out and buying things, we don’t have a nursery and we google healthy pregnancy and loss more than anything else. We take each day as it comes and are grateful if we have no signs of loss. We are getting through the pregnancy in the only way we know how and that is to preserve ourselves.

We haven’t kept our pregnancy a secret to do a big reveal with our excitement brewing each day. Instead we wake each day and wait to see if I am experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. I go to the toilet and check that there is no blood again. We wait for the next scan!

The time between the scans are tough! I guess because every time we have lost (except one) we have been informed by a scan. However on most of the occasions before the scan I have known somehow that something was wrong.

The week and few days between each scan has been torturous mainly caused by our own minds. The drive to the hospital or clinic has been silent with both of us away with our own thoughts.

It has been particularly hard on Neil as the last time we had a scan it was due to the bleed and he was not allowed in because of Covid19. I was blessed to see their heartbeats again but for Neil he hasn’t seen them since they were six weeks old.

Our scan date is tomorrow and we will be 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I have been feeling very sick, urinating regularly and tiered. These are all good signs and leave us feeling hopeful that the scan will bring good news.

If we see their heartbeats again tomorrow then we are even closer to having a successful pregnancy. However we are surrounded by memories and support groups that make us very aware that there is no guarantees.

Of course there are also the facts about a multiple pregnancy that we can’t avoid. It’s more complicated, twins will normally be premature and we are told to pack our hospital bag at 26 weeks. Up to week 20 of pregnancy we could have a disappearing twin.

It probably doesn’t help that this month is baby loss awareness. The raw grief and heartbreak of holding our babies that we didn’t get to bring home is even more in the fore front of our minds.

With a celebrity and his wife trying to break the taboo of pregnancy loss by showing their intimate and personal photos, it resonates even harder. Time is most definitely not a healer but little by little we let go of the loss but not our love.

We will never be able to go days without thinking what if about some situation or moment in time. Without them we will never be the same again. We loved them before we knew them! We held them in our palms and saw them off in their tiny coffin.

Yet we hope! We hope that these beautiful babies will be our rainbows. We hope that we get to take these home. We hope that we get to carry these in our arms and not just our hearts. We hope that although this pregnancy might feel like an eternity that the wait and anxiety will be worth every minute.

Blood!

Yesterday I had a cramp on my right side, I wasn’t too bothered as I know to expect some cramps whilst the uterus adjusts to having not just one baby but two. However when I added the cramp to the worry that my pregnancy hormones were either subduing or I was getting more used to them, we both couldn’t help but allow fear to creep in.

We decided on a early night and watched telly in bed together. I still didn’t feel 100% and at about 10:55pm I went to the toilet, something I’m doing a lot with twins and only one kidney. I still look at the tissue every time I wipe!

It’s strange that I do this as we have never had blood on a tissue that has been the indication that we are starting to miscarry. Yet I can’t help but wipe and look and have done this ever since the small amount of spotting we had when we thought the IVF had failed.

My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the tissue and saw blood. How ironic that I have written so many times recently that we haven’t ever had bleeding as a sign and there it was staring me in the face!

I walked into the bedroom and shook my head to Neil to suggest the end of our pregnancy or rather a start of a miscarriage. Devastated we went downstairs to call the out of hours numbers for the clinic and hospital.

We rang the hospital first as we knew that they would only accept their own scan to confirm anything. I spoke to a doctor who said nothing could be done tonight and to call back tomorrow. He kept saying that as we had seen their heart flutters the chances are everything would be fine.

I felt so frustrated as I told him that we have seen the heartbeats of all but one of our babies yet we still don’t hold them in our arms. Eventually after strongly discussing our situation he said he would put us on the list for a possible scan the next day.

We then rang the IVF clinic. I guess I was looking for reassurance, information and advice. I wanted to know their thoughts on the bleeding. I was very shocked by the response of the doctor especially as we have paid thousands for their services.

It was clear by her voice that I had woken her up. I explained the situation and how I felt the hospital weren’t listening to my past experiences. I said I had to fight to get a possible scan. She invited us to Southampton the following day for a scan but we knew that our local hospital would want to scan again.

It’s hard being told the first time that our babies have no heartbeats net alone then having to drive 45 minutes to the hospital for them to scan us again and repeat “I’m sorry there are no heartbeats”.

We declined the clinics scan. The doctor then said to me “I’m not really sure why you are calling me”. This was while I was crying on the phone. We just hoped that the hospital would scan us the next day.

With our heads in a awful place and very heavy hearts, I turned to my enemy/friend google. I googled “7 weeks pregnant with twins bleeding”.

As stupid as it sounds I was looking for reassurance or hope. I don’t operate well without some hope. However everything was screaming at me that this was not a positive sign especially if you take into consideration the lack of pregnancy symptoms.

On this occasion google was my friend. There were so many posts from woman at 7-8 weeks pregnant with twins that stated they had a bleed. Apparently it can happen with twins in their own sac as the uterus makes space for them. This was the hope I had wanted to hear from one of the doctors.

Neil and I decided to go to sleep with that knowledge in our minds. Needless to say we both slept terrible. I was plagued with dreams about the loss of the twins. Whenever I woke I could feel Neil was awake or in a disturbed sleep.

We woke up today and at about 8:10am headed to the hospital. When we we arrived no one had been informed that we had rung through the night nor did they expect us. Initially the nurse (Jane) the one we have seen many a times now stated they could not scan us until the following day.

This made me break down in tears. I understood, I just didn’t know how Neil and I would cope waiting a whole day and night to find out if their hearts were still beating.

Jane took pity on us. She knows our history and she knows how hard this must be on us. She organised us to come back at 12pm. We were so grateful and decided to walk our dog, Flick to fill some time.

I was questioning everything! My mind couldn’t stop going over and over things. Why had we seen so many double magpies if we were going to be told such sorrow? I know this is superstition and I’m not really superstitious however I seem to fear the one magpie! Had Flick been humping my leg so much as my hcg levels had dropped? Did she hump my leg this much when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava?

I hoped and begged in my head that both babies would be ok. I hoped that the bleed was just a one off that happens and wasn’t the start of a miscarriage. I started to think that maybe we were losing one of the twins. Maybe this was why my pregnancy symptoms had appeared to decrease.

I then went from grief of losing both babies to hope that one would be ok. I was hit with waves of guilt for even thinking it! What sort of mother wishes to sacrifice one baby to keep the other. When twins were confirmed I had fallen in love with them both immediately. How could I know be thinking if it is going to be a loss maybe it’s just one?

Of course this leads me to start doubting myself as a capable mother. I start to think that’s why my foster daughter can’t wait to call her mum with news because my input and response isn’t good enough. I start to think that Amy puts up with me because I married her dad. I wonder if I actually deserve to be a mum or even if this is someone’s way of telling me I’m just not good enough.

I know logically that this is probably not the case at all but when your mind is racing away and your heart is slowly breaking, it’s hard to see what is real and true. It’s a selfish point of view based on the fact that I’m no one’s biological mum. It’s this selfish ugly side that makes me doubt my abilities.

I wondered what I had done in my life to suffer so much loss but worse than that I hated myself for making my husband suffer this loss. The kindest, softest and most supportive person in my life and I let him down time and time again.

Thankfully for my own sanity Jane called us and said the sonographer would scan us as soon as possible and could we come back to the hospital.

When I arrived I was not kept waiting. The sonographer was the lady that scanned me previously when we lost our baby in May 2020.

She suggested we went straight for an internal scan. I was of course in the room on my own as Neil had to wait outside. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him to sit in the corridor of the hospital and wait for me to return with the news.

The sonographer was very quick to inform me that she could see two heartbeats! Both babies were absolutely perfect. She spun the screen around and showed me the images. There in front of my face was our babies. One upside down and the other the right way up.

She told me that they both look perfect and very healthy. I couldn’t hold back the tears. The floodgates were well and truly open. I just didn’t expect to hear what she was saying.

I was shocked to see tears in her eyes as she told me how happy she was to give me this news. She said I had been in her thoughts and that she is now going to follow our journey closely.

They booked another scan for 8 weeks and 4 days and I rushed out into the corridor to tell Neil that everything was just perfect. The relief in his face was immediate and when I told him what had been said he grinned from ear to ear.

We now know that bleeding in pregnancy particularly twin pregnancy is common. If the blood is red or brown and does not soak a pad or have clots then it is worth getting checked but it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.

I’m not sure how we are going to survive the length of this pregnancy or if we will ever feel settled at any point or if our worry will ease especially when thrown such curve balls.

What I do know is that for now we have been given some more hope. We are still going in the right direction for that photo of Neil leaving the hospital with two baby seats!

Two blueberries!

We are seven weeks pregnant today and our babies should be the size of a blueberry. It’s a strange concept because we are in fact seven weeks but how do we know that they are still growing?

The anxiety is horrendous. It’s all well and good for people to remind us to relax and not to worry but a parents job is usually full of worry from start to finish. I know stress is not good for the babies so I try very hard to relax and fill my time with easy, gentle tasks.

However I can not stop my mind from constantly thinking!!! Wether I am sleeping and dreaming, awake due to pregnancy insomnia or just thinking throughout the day.

I use google as my friend to reassure myself only to discover that this friend can also be my enemy as my eyes scan down the search page.

When I’m feeling sick I feel so content that this is a good sign that everything is ok. If I’m retching over the bin smell or Neil’s socks then I am assured that I am in fact still pregnant.

It’s when I don’t fell pregnant or the symptoms don’t seem as strong that I start to worry. I’m not sure if the symptoms are decreasing or if I am getting more accustomed to them. Maybe I have stopped noticing the strong sense of smell or the aching boobs.

We have also never had a clear sign that the pregnancy has ended other than my gut feeling confirmed by a scan. It’s why we have so much anxiety about the scans we are going to.

We have just under a week to wait for our next ultrasound but it feels like an eternity. I am so desperate to know that our babies have two heart flutters still. I don’t know how I would cope this time if it was to be taken away from us. It feels so unfair that this could happen again with no medical reason for it to.

I guess this is what Neil and I find so difficult. There is no reason for these babies not to grow and for us to walk out of hospital with them. Yet we have been here so many times with exactly no reason for this to happen but it has done exactly that!

I keep wanting to get to milestones. I am not enjoying pregnancy. I am not filled with joy and naivety that our pregnancy will bring us our two bundles of joy. I hate myself for not enjoying the pregnancy but I am too scared and want to try and help my self preservation.

Yet the truth is there is no self preservation as if we are told there are no heartbeats, it won’t be any easier because I’m secretly preparing myself for the worst!

So why can’t my mind let me enjoy these moments? Why can’t I get excited that our babies are now the size of blueberries? I usually film our pregnancy journey but I can’t bring myself to do it again for it to be memories that I can’t share with them!

It’s probably because we are so elated and blessed to have been told we are having twins again that my fear is unbearable. We have spoken and both feel that if this is taken away from us then we don’t think we will try again.

How much heartache can we both cope with? How many more babies heartbeats can we see only to look at the screen and hear I’m sorry there are no longer any heartbeats?

When we have no medical reason for this to happen then how do we tell ourselves this time might be different?

I have no signs of anything being wrong but then I never do. I usually just know because I stop feeling pregnant. During this pregnancy when I start to feel that way it’s like the babies know and give me a huge bout of nausea or a massive pang of hunger. Whatever sign or symptom it is, it is always gratefully received.

Neil keeps asking me if I feel pregnant or if I know something is wrong as he says I have been right every time. I can honestly say I have those moments but then something usually happens to make me feel everything is ok again.

The dog, Flick, has started crying at my feet, staring at me, clinging to me and jumping my leg constantly. I can’t remember when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava if Flick did this further along the pregnancy. It makes me want to do a pregnancy test to see if it still says 3 weeks plus. This way we will know that the hcg hormone hasn’t dropped indicating something is wrong.

Of course as we are pregnant with twins the level is probably quite high and we will be wasting our money on a test because it will probably show 3+ anyway due to the twin pregnancy.

If we are blessed to get to 8 weeks 4 days and on the ultrasound they still have heartbeats then the chances of pregnancy loss reduces to 1.6%. Of course we have been told that to keep both twins we need to get to 20 weeks and if they are both still growing then we should definitely leave with both of them.

I have said many a times there is no guarantees in pregnancy and no real safety point. I don’t have a crystal ball to see if I get that photograph and my dream of Neil walking out carrying two baby chairs.

I hope that my mind is a little kinder to me and that every milestone we get to successfully we get to relax a little and try and enjoy this pregnancy.

Unfortunately only time will tell. I just hope that we deserve this and that it is not taken away. I hope that we can be strong for each other and pick each other up when the other is struggling. I hope that we get our dream and that it doesn’t come crashing down. I hope that I don’t let anyone down and that my body doesn’t fail us.

We are scared!

We had our 6 week scan which we mentioned and stated that we were not to worry if we didn’t see any heartbeats. This is because you can see them potentially from 6 weeks however sometimes you can’t see them till a little later.

We are pleased to say that on exactly 6 weeks we were blessed to see two heartbeats! Well we say heartbeats but they are in fact flutters as the heart is not fully formed at this point. It is actually two tubes that are fluttering.

However when you see these flutters it is a very positive sign that the babies are growing as they should at this point in the pregnancy. The chances of a pregnancy loss reduce and it shows there is no chromosome abnormality that prevents the fetus from developing.

The scan image looks like a diamond ring. The ring part is the placenta which the IVF consultant said looks very healthy on both babies. The diamond on top is the baby. Again we were told that our scan looks very promising and all looks healthy and good.

Then the consultant hit us with some information and facts that were hard to take on board. She told us that 1 in 5 women lose one of the twins. They call it the disappearing or helping twin. This can happen anytime up to 20 weeks of the pregnancy.

Neil took this information much better than myself as he looked at it that if one helped the other to arrive healthy and be in our arms then we should be thankful we were given the one baby.

I did not take it as well as that! I am already madly in love with both the little babies growing inside me. The thought of losing one or both of them fills me with heartbreak and grief.

The information did not stop there! We had been told by the NHS that they would recommend we continue pessaries up to 16 weeks of our pregnancy. The IVF clinic were very annoyed that this was the information given to us. The clinic only recommend pessaries up to 10 weeks of pregnancy.

There is a condition called Hypospadias. This is where the hole of a penis is located any place along the underside of the penis rather than at the end where it is usually located. This means when the boy goes to toilet the urine would come out of the hole and not at the end of his penis.

This condition can be caused by taking the pessaries past ten weeks when the baby is developing their genitals. It is the reason clinics would ask the woman to stop the hormone medication from 8-10 weeks.

Before the scan I think Neil and I were so scared that we wouldn’t see any heart flutters. Now we are aware of a condition we never knew existed and the fact that we could lose one of the twins up to 20 weeks. It’s another stark reminder that 12 weeks is not a safe point in any pregnancy!

We are of course over the moon that we saw their little heart flutters and that this in itself is a very positive sign. However we have seen many heart flutters and beats of our babies that we haven’t got to leave the hospital with.

We have driven ourselves insane since the scan. Neil became very negative without really knowing it himself. When talking about the positives he would counteract them with our past experiences and negatives. We were feeding each other’s insecurities and fears.

He is so worried that yet again this will be taken away from us for no real reason. Yet another cruel act of nature and in truth as that has always been our experience how do we encourage each other to hope for the best.

We have both said that although we are scared and full of worry and anxiety, we also both feel positive and that now is our time. It would be so incredibly unfair if this was taken from us again and we believe it won’t be. We have doubts and negativity invades but we still cling onto our hope.

Neil explained how hard it is for him as he doesn’t have anything to go by other than what I tell him. He doesn’t feel the nausea, the tiredness, the sense of smell or the metallic taste. He can only observe if I happen to retch or go to eat something again as I’m so hungry. If he is not there to witness this then he worries there are no signs of a healthy pregnancy.

Of course these signs are not always there and this is how my negativity arises. I’ve said many a times I don’t mind feeling sick or having hunger pangs as it tells me everything appears healthy.

It’s when I don’t feel any of this and in lots of early pregnancies these signs and symptoms can come and go. Therefore we should not worry when I’m not feeling anything. However as we have only ever had the feelings subsiding as our sign that we might be losing the baby(ies), it is hard not to panic when they wear off.

The only way we will know if everything is still ok is if we have more scans. We are already booked in for a scan at 8 weeks 4 days at the IVF clinic. The Early Pregnancy Unit want to scan us at 7 weeks or just over.

Neil and I spoke about this and felt that we didn’t want the scan if Neil was not allowed in the room. Neil didn’t want me to be on my own if I was going to be given bad news. I didn’t want to face this prospect on my own either. I already feel vulnerable enough with my legs apart on the foot stall and a probe up my vagina without then being told bad news with no hand to hold.

We have already faced a miscarriage on our own due to Covid19 and it was heartbreaking for both of us to face it by ourselves, away from each other. We have always managed our experiences together. Being forced to face scans and medical intervention alone was something we never expected to endure.

The EPU have kindly offered us the service that has resumed which is a scan with a consultant. As there will only be the consultant in the room it means that Neil will be allowed to be in the scan appointment too. We are being scanned at 7 weeks and 5 days.

We are grateful that we can have another scan together. It is only 1 week away but this already seems like an eternity to wait to find out if everything still looks ok.

I wish that we had a window we could look through ourselves to check that the babies are ok. In the meantime we have to just take each day as it comes and as strange as it sounds, enjoy the moments of sickness that tell us everything is looking good!

Anxiety is not my friend

If you follow my blog or read regularly then you will know that I made an announcement last week that Neil and I are expecting again. This is our fifth pregnancy in just over two years and this one is following IVF.

We were booked into a scan on Monday. This scan was at 5 weeks 3 days pregnant and was to check if there was any sac, yolk and the position. Neil was not allowed into the scan room due to Covid-19.

A student sonographer was undertaking the scan. It did run through my head that maybe a student wasn’t the best option with our history but I know that people have to learn. I had mentioned to a few close friends and Neil that I felt like I was pregnant with twins but of course we had no idea what the scan would show.

The sonographer said she could see a sac with a yolk in it. I was overwhelmed with joy that we had something in there and of course extremely grateful that it was there and in the right place. However I waited with anticipation as I was surprised that she said one.

She asked the person supervising her to come over. They both were looking at the screen. I asked them if they were seeing two and they quickly confirmed that there was in fact two sacs and two yolks. Twins.

I burst into tears, happy tears of course. I wanted Neil to be there and I wanted to hold his hand and see his face. I was asked to wait outside to speak to the specialist nurse so I took the opportunity to go out to the corridor and tell Neil the news.

His reaction although happy is always filled with anxiety and his first question was “why do we need to see a specialist nurse”. It is of course just protocol but I have to admit I also had the same question in my head.

When the nurse (Jane) the lovely nurse that has dealt with our miscarriage in May 2020 asked me to the room and to go and get Neil, my heart started racing!

Neil must have felt exactly the same as he said to me “Does that mean there is something wrong”? The nurse sat opposite us and said “well that’s great news isn’t it? It’s like buses you wait for one and then two come along”!

Both Neil and I sat opposite her looking in disbelief. It promoted the nurse to question the good news. It wasn’t until Neil and I asked if she was going to tell us anything bad that she realised we were fearing the worse.

There had been a break down in communication as our understanding was they would invite Neil in to the room if there was bad news so we could deal with this together. This was not the case and we had the opportunity to take photos of the scan images and left with the news of our expected bundles of joy!

It is now Friday and we are 6 weeks pregnant and booked into yet another scan, this time with the IVF clinic. On this scan we might be able to see heartbeats. The babies should measure 4mm and this scan is the crown-rump scan where they can work out the due date.

We have been fortunate before that we have seen our babies heartbeats early in the 6th week. However we are more than aware that we might not see any heartbeats today. This is not necessarily bad news. The babies will not have implanted at exactly the same time and are only the size of peas at the moment. Therefore it can be hard to see the heartbeats.

Knowing this logically and medically helps but it does not relieve the anxiety we are both feeling. Neil already asked this morning if I am worried about the scan.

We have to console ourselves with the fact that I am having very strong pregnancy symptoms in particular nausea. This is so much easier said then done though.

I expect you have all seen the drama series or movies where the woman goes to the toilet and wipes herself only to find blood on the tissue. The first sign of a possible miscarriage. Neil and I have never had this happen. Every loss we have suffered my body has tried hard to hold onto the babies so we have often found out at a scan that we have lost.

This doesn’t stop me checking the tissue every time I go to the toilet. However we are very conscious that it is normally a scan where we get the bad news. A fellow blogger that I follow (who actually encouraged me to write) talks about the anxiety around scans. She calls it scanxiety.

Neil definitely feels this and I know this morning he is full of nerves. He even asked at one point if the scan will have caused the loss of our last baby. Although I feel this is not the case, it is now a question I will be asking about the risks of an internal scan at such early weeks.

I don’t think Neil will ever go to a scan again with the excitement and anticipation that others have. He will always worry that we are going to be told something has gone wrong.

I am a little more optimistic. It has never helped in the past as if the fall comes it hits me very hard. I am realistic but I can’t help but be hopeful too. After all, our tests state that there is no reason we can’t have happy, healthy babies. I know this has not happened yet and we have had such cruel acts of nature but it could happen!

It’s already been a long pregnancy! Most people would not be finding out till about now that they are pregnant. They will have just realised that they have missed a period. Maybe just tested. We are just about to go for a second scan!

Our minds have done nothing but think, overthink and worry about every single moment. I guess we will never have that luxury of joyfully, naively, going through our pregnancy.

Neither of us are stressed as this would not achieve anything. It is just that constant niggling worry that shows it’s ugly face. Anxiety is definitely not our friend. Yet there it is continuously popping in and joining us at any time or any day and most certainly at all our milestones.

I am so grateful to be sat here knowing that I have two babies growing inside me. I walk outside with the secret grin on my face that although I’m not showing yet, I am in fact pregnant with two little humans. I hope that I get to enjoy this knowledge and pregnancy and that in about seven and a half months (twins come early) we will be bringing them home.

We have decided we will take each day as it comes (even if my mind races hopefully ahead) and enjoy everyday that we are pregnant. We will face whatever hurdles we need to face with the bravery that we have done in the past. We just hope that this time we will be blessed with two living babies and that Neil might be walking out of the hospital carrying two baby seats (this is a photo I can’t wait to take).