The Announcement!

We made it through the two week wait with our minds in tact. However we tested early against all the advice! The day that we had the little bit of blood. We knew that the test might not be accurate or that we could get a positive that disappeared.

We weighed up the anxiety and the impact and affects of that for the remainder of the two week wait against how we would feel if we got a positive that changed to a negative. We have experienced this previously in August 2019, a biochemistry miscarriage. The heartache of thinking we had fallen only to see the test change a few days later to negative.

We talked about the fact this could happen again. We also talked about how we were feeling waiting to see if this tiny bit of blood was the start on my period. This time we knew that we had no more Frosties left. This time we knew we could cope with a biochemistry miscarriage even if it was to break our hearts all over again.

I guess it’s the same old story of being more afraid of the unknown. So we took the test at 9 days post 6 day transfer instead of at 12 days.

After seeing the blood and even with what I thought had been pregnancy signs and symptoms I had convinced myself and probably Neil too that we were out. We would see those words NOT PREGNANT.

So when the test changed and the word PREGNANT was in clear view I burst into tears for about 5 minutes. I sobbed in joy, hope and anxiety.

We tested again on day 12 with butterflies in our stomach. I had been having the same feelings and signs as I did when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava. Unusual signs that some people may not know like cramp in my calves. I also had lots of nausea including when hungry.

Our hearts were filled once again with joy when this test showed 2-3 weeks pregnant. We were of course more than 2-3 weeks pregnant in line with how they calculate medically but this is what a test should show at the point we tested.

We phoned the clinic to let them know our result and were given the instructions to continue with medication and injections until we are 6 weeks pregnant and having a scan. This scan should show any heartbeat(s).

We also rang the early pregnancy unit as instructed following our pregnancy loss in May 2020. They booked a scan for this Monday when we will be 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. They are checking how many sacs and yolks are there and if any, that they are in the right place and not in my tube.

Although we have not had long to wait before we know if this pregnancy is viable our anxiety has been difficult to deal with. We logically know that there is no reason for this pregnancy not to be viable. However all our pregnancies that we have lost have been a cruel act of nature and no medical reason for it to happen.

The fact that we are very fertile and have no medical reasons to have lost all our babies previously makes being pregnant again full of uncertainty and worry.

So it will come as no surprise that we took another test when I was 5 weeks pregnant. It wasn’t that we expected to see anything other than pregnant but we wanted to see if the hcg level had risen and we were showing as more than 2-3 weeks pregnant.

We told ourselves that lots of pregnant women don’t see 3+ on a pregnancy test and that if they do they are often 6-7 weeks pregnant or more. We knew that if a test still showed 2-3 weeks pregnant it didn’t mean anything bad was happening. I guess we would just have felt comforted that it hadn’t decreased.

The relief to be staring a test that said 3+ was unbelievable. It was telling us that my hormone levels were increasing rapidly and therefore gave us hope that everything is going in the right direction.

This does not mean that we are not full of anxiety for the scan Monday. As it is in the hospital it means that Neil is not allowed in with me. It was only in May and June this year we both faced a miscarriage alone with strict protocol about numbers of people allowed in the room.

We understand the world we are living in at the moment but it is hard with our past experiences for me to be asked to attend on my own when 6 people are allowed to meet in a restaurant, pub or home.

I can’t begin to imagine what it must feel like to be Neil who has to stand in the corridor and wait for me to be scanned. He has to wait to find out if the pregnancy is viable. If the news is good he missing out on that joy of seeing it for himself and if the news is bad then he is not there to console and be consoled.

We started our fertility journey long before Covid19. We never anticipated being pregnant for the fifth time with no living babies. Facing every milestone is difficult enough without the added pressure of being separated during these special and important moments.

However we have learnt just how strong we both are and to be forced to face a loss of a baby when separated from each other has shown us that we can find the strength to face the unknown alone.

Our 6 week and 8 week scan will be together as it is in the IVF clinic. So if there is any heartbeat or heartbeats to see then Neil and I get to enjoy this moment together. A blessing in this unusual world we are facing at the moment.

I guess that is what we need to embrace right now is that any moment we share together in this pregnancy is precious as we, more than most, know that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. I don’t think we will relax until the moment the medical professionals put a living baby or babies in our arms. Until the moment they take their first breath and take ours away, we will hold our breath tentatively.

A moment in my head

It has to be a moment in my head as too much longer you would all want to abandon ship especially during the two week wait. We have all probably thought at some point that we are glad that no one can see into our head as thoughts run wild so I’m going to be brave and give you a glimpse.

You may never look at me again in the same way or it might just confirm your opinions of craziness about me. I wrote about how hard it must be for Neil during this two week wait but I think it is also important to share how hard it is on me too.

As I have said many times I want to help others that are going through any of these fertility situations or maybe those about to embark and would find it useful to know some emotions and facts that they might experience. I also know how important it is to have support through this very challenging and anxious time so I write for those supporting someone through this process.

The main difference between Neil and me is the fact that I have had the embryos transferred into my body. Therefore any twinge, pain, pregnancy symptom is felt by me.

There is of course the rational/logical part of your brain and then there is the irrational part. At anyone time, any part can take over or you can feel like you are in a battle with both parts!

Irrational example coming up…I spotted a magpie. One on its own as I walked the dog. My head went “oh great, one for sorrow that’s me out then”! My eyes moved a little further and there was another magpie. Not one but two so my head changed to “two for joy, yes I’m still in the race”.

Logically I know that seeing one or two magpies will not have any bearing on the pregnancy test I will be taking however my mind runs away and it takes all my strength to bring it back to reality.

My close friends and auntie have been asking how I’m feeling. They too are looking and hoping for signs of pregnancy just like me and Neil. I tell them all the thoughts that are going on in my head and their face probably resembles my mind! Something like confused, unsure, sure, confused, unsure, sure!

I have had pains about a day after the transfer. These can be implant pains, pains that you feel when the embryos implant into the womb lining. Sounds positive right? These pains can also be the discomfort of having a long probe put into my womb to transfer the embryos.

I am going to the toilet more frequently. For those that don’t know this is a early sign of pregnancy, it’s what made me think I was pregnant with Kora and Ava. More frequent urinating is because blood flow to the woman’s kidneys increases by up to 35 to 60 per cent. The extra blood flow makes her kidneys produce up to 25 per cent more urine soon after conception.

As I have only one kidney this tends to be a sign that I have come to recognise in every pregnancy. Again this all sounds positive however let me now just add that I am not doing much at the moment (it’s important to rest after transfer) and therefore I’m drinking more. Drinking more would result in urinating more.

A very strange sign that has always happened in all four pregnancies is my dog humping my leg. Dogs sense of smell is tremendous. When a woman becomes pregnant she has the hcg hormone which rises everyday. This is the hormone that a pregnancy test picks up.

A dog can detect the change in smell due to the change in hormones. My beautiful fur baby Flick has often let me know that I am pregnant by humping my leg every time I move or walk.

So if I told you that Flick has started humping my leg, you might understand how my head is also saying “PREGNANT”! However let me just add some more facts…

The hormone medication I am on is hormonal based to line my womb. My dog is also very needy and suffers with separation anxiety so can hump my leg to desperately try and get my attention. Now my head screams “NOT PREGNANT”.

My sense of smell has always been a prime giveaway when I’ve been pregnant before. It has always been one of the first signs I recognise that tell me I’m pregnant. Most women find when they are pregnant that their sense of smell increases significantly.

I often end up gagging at smells as they become far too overpowering. I have noticed an increase in my sense of smell however I am more vigilant for this sign and who doesn’t gag when they are down wind of the doggy poo bin! it’s the reward for being a responsible dog owner.

My boobs have also been a sign. They become tender and tingle when I’m pregnant. Again this is a normal sign of early pregnancy. My mind can race away thinking about how my boobs are feeling and I can start to get my hopes up.

Let’s look at yet more facts though! I am still injecting Lubion. It’s a hormone injection and can make your boobs tender. Also like lots of woman my boobs get tender when I’m due on my period.

Is this a sign of pregnancy or a sign of my period coming? The truth is it could be either. Like all of the signs and symptoms I have been feeling they could be either that we are pregnant or we are not pregnant.

That brings me to today. I’m 7dp6pt (seven days post 6 day transfer). I went to the toilet this morning and when I wiped there was a slight pink substance on the tissue. It looked like the start of my period. It was definitely light pink blood.

If I was to have my period it would likely happen on the 4/5th September before our official test day. This is because I have a shorter menstrual cycle of 26 days.

At seven days past the transfer a pregnancy test would show if we were pregnant or not. However this could be a false result. That is why we are given an official test date. Sometimes the embryos can implant giving you a positive test result but can come away. This is a biochemistry miscarriage, something Neil and I had in August 2019.

For lots of people the two week wait is just too much and they test early only to have this heartbreak above of a positive and then a negative. Others get a positive at 5 days post transfer and continue with a positive till their official test day. Clinics always advise not to test early.

Our first round Neil and I did not test early. I bleed before the test day and we thought we had been unsuccessful. We know now that we were in fact pregnant with twins but one went into my tube so the bleeding was a miscarriage of the other baby. A pregnancy test would have shown positive even though I was bleeding.

Our clinic have told us that no matter what, whether we bleed or don’t we are to take a test this time. We will of course follow their advice.

So could the pink blood mean we are out and that my period is on it’s way. It’s possible but it is also possible in early pregnancy to have a little blood now and then due to implanting (embryos nudging blood vessels making them burst). It could of course mean that we are pregnant and could lose yet another pregnancy.

We still have some time to our official test day. Our minds and emotions are truly being challenged. When you conceive naturally if you are trying you have this two week wait too before the test. The difference with IVF is we know that the egg has met the sperm, it is fertilised, looks good and is placed in the womb. All it has to do is travel south and stick!

This is why people undertaking IVF call this period “pregnant until proven otherwise”. Some people like to be in this two week bubble of thinking they are pregnant. I’m not sure how I feel about this bubble or what stage of our fertility journey I find more challenging or when I feel most anxious.

It might appear like a strange statement when we have cremated our children and most can’t imagine anything worse. However I have said many times how much I feel our babies have given us and I treasure every memory. If Kora and Ava are the only babies I deliver then I am grateful that they gave me that.

If we are pregnant this time then we have the rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety for each milestone, each scan. We have the anxious wait for the scans. We have the anxiety of what the scan will show. We won’t know if we have one baby or two until the first scan. We then have to take each day as it comes in the hope that one day soon we will take home our living baby(ies).

Whatever the result we will have each other and we will try and come together to make decisions on what next and how to manage whatever result we get. We have a long wait till next week and the only way we are going to survive our own minds is to keep positive and busy (but not too busy to jeopardise any embryos sticking)!

In his head

I have asked Neil to write something for this blog so I could show a mans perspective around pregnancy loss, IVF and trying to conceive. However he is not very forthcoming with the goods!

Believe it or not he is actually very good at expressing his feeling when he puts pen to paper. He wrote a beautiful speech for Kora and Ava’s funeral and a heart warming one for our wedding.

As he has not come up with the goods (yet) I thought I would give an insight from my understanding of how he appears to cope, particularly during this two week wait.

Every morning when we wake he kisses me good morning then we head downstairs and he makes me breakfast and a cup of tea (all those trying to conceive or going through IVF don’t shout at me – the caffeine is within the allowed moderate amount).

He prepares the medication and injects my stomach (I think he enjoys that part)! To be honest I think this makes him feel a part of the process. With IVF for opposite sex couples using their own eggs and sperm it is all about the woman being medicated and monitored.

Giving Neil the responsibility of injecting makes him involved and is easier for me as my mind wants to yell at me “no…stop! Why would you put that sharp needle into your tummy”.

In my opinion I feel Neil struggles more with the two week wait for the official pregnancy test date. He becomes more anxious and protective. He will tell me off if he finds me trying to hoover something up or looking under the sofa for Flick’s ball (Flick is our cavapoo).

He checks in regularly and reminds me not to get overwhelmed or stressed by family household chores, emotions or events. He leaves for work later to help me prepare my work so I don’t get worked up with demand.

I know how anxious he is when I went to work as he requested that I sat on a chair for the day rather than stand on my feet. He snapped a little at me when overhearing a conversation about my work and interrupted with “you are not going to be jumping up and down tomorrow”.

He does of course know that I would put as many protective elements in place to give us both the best possible chance of getting a positive pregnancy test. I think he finds it difficult that he is not in control of this part and he is anxious for us both.

I talk to him about anything I’m feeling for example pains that could be implant pains, a change in the smell of my pee and other signs that could be in my head, due to the medication or the fact that I could actually be pregnant.

However ultimately it is my body harbouring the embryos and it is me that may or may not be feeling anything. Neil becomes the passenger along for the ride and I can only try to imagine how hard that is for him.

Often I feel the man is an after thought when it comes to fertility and loss. I have had many well wishes and love sent my way and sometimes people send their love and thoughts to both. On the whole though the focus tends to be on the woman.

We do it naturally when a woman is pregnant. We asked after her and enquire how she is feeling. Yet we forget the man who has stood by her side when she has delivered their babies sleeping. We forget the anxiety of the man at the scan when he holds his breath again for the umpteenth time in anticipation of hearing those words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat(s)”.

We forget how hard is must be for the man to wait the two weeks for the test. The anxiety that he must feel sat on the sofa when his wife goes to the toilet near test date and he knows she could come back stating her period has come and that is their answer with no test needed.

Our society (and our self employment) doesn’t allow us to have time off when we have delivered our sleeping babies or had a pregnancy loss. It won’t allow us time off if this round results in a negative.

However I am fortunate as I can work predominantly at home and hide away from the world. Neil, like many other men, have to return to work and face the world.

Previously he has done this but I notice that he makes mistakes at work more often and it is clear his head is not in the right space to be working. His heart is broken too and his mind will be whirling with so many thoughts and knowing him like I do, most of these will be worry about me.

Neil will also have to phone his daughter to let her know. It’s a call I know he hates making even if he feels she copes well with the news. It is a call he makes whilst giving me a sideways look, he has a biological daughter and I don’t. He knows what it feels like to be called dad and have a daughters love. He knows I don’t.

His heart is broken but somehow he finds the strength to comfort me. His mind is in overload with his own anxieties yet somehow he finds more space for mine. He counts down the days to the test whilst feeling like a passenger yet he still takes the wheel when I struggle.

He is the biggest and most important part of this journey. He is not forgotten by me and every little thing that he does is appreciated. We are in this together and whatever news we have we will face together as we always do.

Transfer

I often wonder if I should share as much as I have done online for anyone to access. I worry that my life is readily available for anyone to read about. Then I remind myself that it is only a part of my life I am sharing and the reason I do is to help others who are going through similar or know someone who is and to break the taboo subject of fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, IVF and death of babies.

With that in mind I am writing today about our transfer. I will talk a little about exactly how it happens so if you are wanting to avoid images in your head that you might deem unpleasant then maybe now is a good time to stop reading.

The morning of our transfer Neil and I carried on with our day but it was clear that we were both anxiously waiting a phone call. We were hoping that we would not get a phone call as if we did it would be bad news and be telling us not to come for transfer as the embryos did not survive the thaw.

By the afternoon we were reassured as we did not have a phone call we were good to go for the transfer. Of course we did not know how many of our embryos had survived or made it from the night before to a grade they were happy to transfer.

Statistically only 5% of embryos don’t survive the thaw. Let’s say that there other way around in the positive way…95% of embryos survive the thaw.

As explained before we were having all 4 of our embryos thawed as they had not quite got to the blastocyst stage that the lab and doctors would have preferred.

Embryos are graded. The first 2 we had transferred in December 2019 were grade A. Top quality blastocysts! Our other 4 that have been frozen were deemed of a quality good enough to become a pregnancy.

I had a horrible feeling in my stomach that we would arrive and be told that 2 had not survived. You might wonder why as I often state we are positive people and the statistics are good for survival.

Throughout our fertility journey we have hit all the unlikely statistics! Only 1% of identical twins are MCMA. Only 2% chance of having a ectopic/heterotopic pregnancy when the woman doesn’t have any other underlining fertility conditions. Only 1 in 70,000 women don’t respond to the induction of labour and so on.

These are a few of the very unlikely statistics that Neil and I have fallen within. So it came as no surprise when the doctor informed us that one embryo did not survive the thaw and the other only got to grade D and would not make a viable pregnancy.

Neil and I have always stated that we would try 3 rounds of IVF if we could. We were elated when we got 6 embryos and knew this would fulfil our plan. However this round is now our last one as to undertake IVF again we would have to go back to the start of the process and undertake egg collection again costing about £8-10,000.

The doctor informed us that the other 2 embryos had made it to grade C and were good to be transferred. I know it is probably obvious but I’ll state it anyway grade C is not as good as grade A but remember they are good enough to make a viable pregnancy.

I step behind the curtain to remove my knickers and have that awkward moment where I can’t decide if I put them on the hooks provided, on top of the bin or on the floor. I decide to go with neatly folded on the floor.

For all those women that have had a smear the process of a transfer is similar. For all of those unaware of what that entails, you sit on a chair/bed with your legs spread apart and in supports.

The doctor then shines a light on your vagina and takes a piece of equipment that looks like a shut duck bill. He inserts this into your vagina and opens it whilst inside. It is then tightened to keep it exactly in place.

The lab technician then comes out with a very long stick/probe that holds on it the 2 embryos. The doctor then sticks this into the vagina and navigates to the place in the womb where he wants to position them with the help of a nurse using an ultrasound. It is uncomfortable but otherwise pain free.

The probe/stick is then given back to the lab technician to check that there are no embryos left on it. In our case we got the thumbs up. A ultrasound image is then printed which shows a white dot in the woman’s womb this is the embryos aged 6 days old in our case.

The process itself takes about 5 minutes. The difference this time round for us is the embryos are lower and have been glued. This is the term they use in relation to making them sticky. This is now standard procedure in our clinic. When we had our last transfer the embryos were not glued.

So what happens now? We are now in what is known as the two week wait. The embryos will implant over the next few days if they are going to and this would result in a positive pregnancy test. If they don’t implant then I will have my period the same as I would naturally after unsuccessful ovulation.

The two week wait is considered the hardest part of IVF (it’s all hard if you ask us) as now you just have to wait and your hormones and emotions are tested daily. You question every twinge and don’t know if that pain was possibly an implanting pain or are your boobs sore from the medication or are you pregnant?

We have undertook a two week wait previously and we didn’t get to our official test day as I bleed before it arrived. Of course we know now that I was pregnant with twins but one was in my tube. So even if I bleed this time we are taking a test!

Last time Neil and I coped well with the two week wait. The only medication we had to continue was pessaries. This time I have to continue to take the tablets, pessaries and injections. This is because it is a frozen cycle and not necessarily in line with my body’s cycle so science has to take over.

The medication will continue up to the official test date and we will then be advised if we need to continue anything. We already know that if we get a positive then we are to continue the pessaries until 16 weeks pregnant.

I am now to rest for the next few days and give my body the chance to relax and allow the embryos to implant. No dog walking, housework or other activities for me (there is a plus side to all of this)!

I am feeling very emotional. My eyes filled with tears when we were told that two embryos didn’t make it. I am they kind of person that needs a plan and hope. It means that this cycle is our last chance. I’m not sure I’m ready for this to be our last chance.

I know that this cycle might be successful and therefore we don’t need to be worrying about more chances. It is however very hard to feel unnerved when our four pregnancies have resulted in loss. We not only need a positive but we need to get through a whole pregnancy.

It didn’t help that I got the time of the procedure wrong and coming home took hours as we were stuck in traffic due to a car fire on the motorway. Not quite the relaxing that the doctor ordered but stayed calm and just sat there so no harm done.

I had also asked to not be informed about the grades as I consider them to be irrelevant. On the forums you see lots of women becoming pregnant from lower graded embryos. Neil and I spoke about this and also told ourselves that the glue must be an additional positive factor.

If we reach our test day and get a positive we will be scanned in 4-5 weeks (5-6 weeks pregnant). This scan will tell us if we have 1 baby or 2. It will tell us if the position is correct (ie not in my tube). We won’t know if any baby has a heartbeat until just over 6 weeks pregnant.

I guess we are in a very different place from being naively pregnant for the first time. With everything we have endured it is understandable that we are realistic about our fertility and IVF. This is not to say that we are not also optimistic we just know that it’s not as easy as just positive or negative.

Stick little embryos 🤞

Bruised

It’s the day before transfer and somehow we have made it this far. My belly is bruised, my anxiety has been through the roof and my need to be supported has not gone to plan.

I keep telling myself that Neil and I have no control over what is going to happen but the truth is we can help ourselves. We can’t make Mother Nature be kind or the embryos stick but we can be kind to ourselves.

A happy home environment with limited stress and lots of love would be the ideal environment to remain positive and calm. The two week wait that people talk about is often the hardest part of the journey.

We have no control over what happens next or if we get a positive, what happens through the pregnancy. We won’t know how to deal with a negative until we face that situation. We can only try to keep being healthy, stay relaxed, calm and positive.

I have to tell myself that the floor does not NEED to be swept or if it does then someone else can do it. I also have to be thankful that it’s been done even if it’s not how I would do it.

I must rely on the people around me to show me support, understanding and love. I must not feel guilty for it being about me for a change. I don’t have to be there for everyone, I am allowed to be selfish for a little while. It’s ok to stay in my family home and not rush around for others.

I hope that I can achieve this so that I don’t look back with what ifs or guilt. I hope that I don’t look back and think I should have done things differently. I hope that I don’t regret anything.

I know many people around us have not experienced what Neil and I have as many nurses have said or pointed out to us with kindness. I can’t expect people to truly understand our situation or just how demanding IVF can be.

I often say that it is all relative. For someone the situation they are going through can be the worst situation in the world. Kindness is understanding that for that person there world is tough no matter how insignificant their problems might appear to others.

However what I find is that sometimes it takes life to get to a certain point for other situations to happen for us to look back and reflect that the moment we thought was tough then is not as tough as this moment now.

Watching my mother live with cancer and fade away slowly each day then ultimately die before me was horrendous. Not having my mum here now when no matter what age you are you always want your mum is tough. I thought her death would be the hardest part but actually it’s the hole in your heart when you want to pick up the phone or be embraced by her hug but you can’t. It’s living without her that is so hard.

We gain strength and resilience from every situation that we encounter. My mum taught me about grief and loss but not the grief and loss of our babies. It is a very different grief.

What my mum taught me though was that I will have difficult days but I will learn how to mange a life without her no matter how unfair and heartbreaking this can feel.

I thought nothing was going to be as tough as cremating our babies and then we found out that not cremating your babies and having them thrown on a pile of body parts to be incinerated was another situation we were going to have to learn to live with. It was another time we had to find new coping tools.

I look back to when I was 16/17 years of age and think about my experiences then and how others would consider them to be horrendous and traumatic. They were at the time and I had to go through counselling due to the trauma so I won’t belittle those experiences.

I was young to face the experiences I did and being younger I didn’t have so many tools in my bag to deal with the situation. Now as a 40 year old my experiences have been excruciating and life changing.

I don’t view the world in the same way I did when I was 16/17 but I do have more tools in my bag. I just wish that with age and experience I could find the right tool at the right time.

I feel that some of my life experiences have bruised me but over the past two years I’ve learnt that some bruises heal and others leave a scar and alter the way you look. I might have believed that when I was younger (as I said things are relative) but upon reflection I see that the world can get tougher, the experiences can get more complex.

These scars become a part of you and you learn to live with them even if it’s not always easy. The older you become the more coping strategies you have in your bag but it’s ok to admit that somethings in life are just to tough to ever recover fully from.

So right now feeling bruised, scarred and fragile I’m going to be kind to myself. I’m going to look after me and I’m going to surround myself with the positive network of family and friends I have. I am going to try and let negativity wash over me (even if it is my own negative thoughts).

I am going to protect myself in my safe bubble and will not allow outside factors to destroy my soul, my well being or my heart.

I’m going to allow myself to laugh, sing, cry, shout, smile or do whatever it is I need to do right now to survive this emotional rollercoaster that is trying to conceive and loss.

Two week wait

Doubts

I asked Neil to stop the medication and injections the morning after the two year anniversary of delivering Kora and Ava. We hadn’t dealt with the anniversary well and our emotions got the better of us.

We had put so much in place to try and have a “nice” time over the anniversary not just for us but for our foster daughter too but I guess I didn’t account for external factors and hormones from IVF.

The result was Neil and I argued more dramatic then ever before. I was disappointed in us and I felt I let everyone down. Our family holiday had an argument in the middle of it.

I know logically that families argue and especially couples when going through what we have faced over the last two years. I know that we are human and that sometimes the smile and happy persona that we muster up on those anniversaries will slip.

I felt so low, tiered and disappointed in myself. The side effects of the IVF medication are certainly harsher this time (not an excuse) and all the exercise made me more worn out then I have felt for a long time.

We all know that feeling of being so worn out that we don’t function in our normal way. Our emotions run high and often get the better of us. I was certainly at this point!

I thought because we had one argument and how that impacted our family that I didn’t deserve to be a mother to a biological child. I asked Neil to stop the injections and for us to stop “trying” for a baby in whatever way we were doing this.

Due to external situations I felt that I was not a good judge of character, that I’m the nice fool that people can hide their true selves from. I worried that if I couldn’t see the “real” person then how could I protect anyone in my care.

I worried about arguments and how we deal with them when you have children that you raise (biological and non biological). I worried that I was not a good role model.

I had a scan yesterday to check if the medication was working (it was perfect and everything is going to plan). I spoke with the nurse that preformed the scan and before I knew it the flood gates had opened!

I think that being so busy this time round and forgetting to take time out for me and us everything got the better of me. Without realising it my anxiety had bubbled to the surface.

I was anxious about the outcome of IVF. If it is a negative then I’m not sure how to deal with that as we have had no problems getting pregnant and we have no fertility issues so why would it be negative this time round?

I spoke about how naively before I though it would be either positive or negative but how this time I know it can be so much more. I asked about the plan to avoid the embryos going into my one remaining tube (if this happens then our only way of falling pregnant in the future would be IVF and I’m now older and we don’t have £10,000 to start again).

I talked about the possibility of the embryos splitting and what was my chances as my history is that my eggs split. I don’t think we could find the strength to cope with another high risk pregnancy. MCMA twins are the most high risk pregnancy.

I then talked about my fears of being a mother. I said about how hard we are trying to become biological parents but what if I’m just not good enough. I have made mistakes and look at the children I have raised and I wonder if I have done ok as their parental figure. I wonder if ok is good enough.

My mind has wandered into a place where I wonder if someone is telling me that I should just give up that I’m not cut out to be a biological mum.

The nurse was wonderful and spoke very gently and kindly about what I was feeling. Neil assured me that we are human and that if we gave up we might have more regrets later on in life. Alissa (my foster daughter) kindly understood and accepted my apology. My auntie send me some lovely words of encouragement stating similar that I’m human and that families argue and that’s ok.

I’m still feeling doubtful about myself but I am definitely more reassured by everyone’s kind words. I recognise that I need to be kind to myself over the next few days and listen to my body when it needs a rest.

I hope to bounce back to my usual self who can stop my mind from wandering and pick myself up and dust myself off. I am not Wonder Woman, I am human! I won’t always get things right but how I deal with them afterwards is important.

There is no manual to being a mum, whether it is as a biological or non biological one. As the nurse stated Neil and I have had one of the most difficult fertility journeys she has seen in all of her years of experience. Remaining strong and resilient is not always easy with the path we have had to walk.

I will make mistakes and I will learn as we continue on our journey but hopefully as the nurse said I have so much love to give and she has faith that I will be a great mum to any biological children as I am to our non biological children. I hope that the faith she has and what she sees in me is something I can see in myself.

I’m trying

No Sex

Ironic isn’t it! We are trying again for babies/baby and we are told at certain points through IVF treatment not to have sex.

When you are trying to conceive naturally for some it’s all about base line temperatures, ovulation dates and tests and of course regular sex.

Neil and I, although aware of when I ovulate, have always just enjoyed our bedroom activities. We did not take our temperature and the only time we undertook ovulation tests were following pregnancy losses as we were unsure when my body returned to a normal menstrual cycle.

Of course having a baby/babies have been on our mind as we wanted to become a bigger family. However we have never been strict or obsessive about it. Maybe we should have been at our age!

I guess that’s why I find it so frustrating when you get told comments like… “stop trying, relax and you will probably fall pregnant”. A note to those people that we have fallen pregnant, four times in two years. We have been blessed to fall pregnant naturally three times and once on our first attempt of IVF.

We have to be realistic about our age though so we do need to know when I ovulate. The clue is in the title ‘TRYING to conceive’. It doesn’t mean that all we can think about is babies and that is all sex has become about.

I believe we have conceived so many times in just two years because we are relaxed about our fertility journey. We know that it is all out of our hands and control. What will be, will be.

When you undertake IVF there are points when you are told to refrain or have protected sex. Our first round of IVF we had to be careful as they were stimulating my ovaries to release (hopefully) lots of eggs. What they don’t want is for you to have unprotected sex and a transfer of embryo(s) resulting in multiple pregnancy.

Multiple pregnancies are always more complicated. A fact Neil and I know only too well. So clinics undertaking IVF have a duty and responsibility to reduce the amount of multiple pregnancies. This is because they have a higher risk of complications, miscarriage and premature births.

However as I am 40 years old we are advised to transfer two embryos as it increases our chance of conceiving by 20-25%. Note it does not double our chances. This percentage is half the chance of woman under 35 years of age.

As we are undertaking a second round of IVF our embryos (fondly known as embabies) were put into the freezer. This round is known as a frozen cycle and the medication and instructions are different from the the first round.

My ovaries are not being stimulated this time as we already have our embryos collected and stored in the freezer. Therefore the stims part is about preparing the lining of my womb for transfer.

So you would think that Neil and I could resume our normal bedtime antics but you would be wrong. The clinics prefer you to refrain or have protected sex as there is a chance that a egg could be released even though we are effectively shutting down my ovaries.

On our first round we were unsure what to expect such as what the side affects would be like and how our relationship would be affected. I am not ashamed to say that we struggled and had a very difficult situation and argument following the refrain from sexual activity and all my hormones.

I won’t kiss and tell the ins and outs of our argument but I feel it important to show that we are very human and just how difficult trying to conceive, pregnancy loss and IVF can be. I am proud of us and how even in the most difficult of times we have talked, cried, laughed and loved.

This round we were a little more prepared for just how much is involved. The most important time they ask you as a couple to completely stop any sexual intercourse is after the embryo transfer.

The reason being is to allow the embryo the optimal time and the best possible chance of implanting into the uterine wall. You are asked to stop completely for about 7-14 days.

Abstaining from sex to allow time for an egg to implant is probably something most couples (including ourselves) won’t have thought about when trying to conceive naturally. The majority of people take for granted falling pregnant and when pregnant assume this will result in a live birth. I know I did with my first pregnancy.

Why would you think anything else unless you have suffered the death of your baby, pregnancy loss or miscarriage? Pregnancy is suppose to be a joyous occasion and no one wants to think that they could be that 1 in 4 that loses their baby!

So to give us the best possible chance of the IVF working and our embryo implanting we will be taking a break from sexual activity in the hope that we will be announcing a pregnancy.

So as stated above it’s an ironic concept to stop what is considered natural and essential to conceive. Instead we will be enjoying the pleasure of each other’s company in the smaller romantic gestures of kissing, hugging and quality time together.

1 in 4

Human

Grieving whilst on hormone drugs and planning for the future is very difficult and conflicting. Yesterday (9th August) was two years since Neil and I went for another scan and were told that Kora and Ava had no heartbeats.

Since then we have lost many more babies and this seems to have added to my uncertainty about facing these anniversaries. We have so many dates that are now prevalent to us and each brings with them an array of emotions.

I often wonder if it is the fact that we got to second trimester with Kora and Ava that makes people think or remember them more. Maybe it’s the fact that we got to name them making it more personal when we talk fondly about them. Maybe it’s that we cremated them and people mourned this loss with us as they were aware of them for longer.

Is there a difference between the photos of our beautiful twin girls after we delivered them on the 19th August 2018 and say the video of the babies heartbeat that we just miscarried? Does one hold more significance than the other in the eyes of others?

I have struggled yesterday with whether to write or post anything about our beautiful twins. Now I sit here feeling guilty as if I let the day pass without saying their names outside of our home!

Last year we miscarried our third baby on this exact date (9th August). It felt surreal to be miscarrying on the same date a year later with another baby we wouldn’t get to hold in our arms.

This year I can’t help but think that I would have been four months pregnant with the baby we just miscarried. However instead we are in the middle of our IVF, injecting everyday and taking pills to prepare my body for potentially a fifth pregnancy.

We have never been ones to mourn our losses as such. Instead we talk openly, we celebrate what each one has given us and we cherish whatever little memories we have. We try to radiate positivity and fill our lives with love and laughter.

We are also human and we have suffered significant loss. I tell myself it’s ok to have a bad day or a few tears. Who wouldn’t if they were in our position.

So I decided today to reflect on where we were when we heard those awful words that our girls had no heartbeats to where we are now. It is probably not my best decision with my body pumped with hormones!

I started by looking at what little keepsakes we have of the girls. I very rarely get anything out of the box as I can see them clearly when I close my eyes. It’s like they are forever embedded into my heart and mind.

Below is a picture of their hand and foot prints. It’s another keepsake I feel blessed to have following our other losses where we have so much less to cherish. They were so tiny as they were twins and of course because they were sharing a sac.

Hand and foot prints

That’s when I came across our funeral service book for the cremation. I quietly sat and read it to myself with some tears escaping. Neil and I both wrote a speech to say at the service. We kept our words secret from each other until the day of the cremation.

What I found so profound was that immediately in the grip of grief both mine and Neil’s words resonate positivity and love. In what was the darkest of days I can somehow see our love and hope.

It may sometimes feel so much longer than two years with all our subsequent losses. We have been through so much since losing Kora and Ava. Time has definitely not been a healer but love and laughter has helped us along the way.

We have come to terms that it’s ok to speak your names, it’s ok to struggle to speak your names, it’s ok to have not known your names. It doesn’t matter how many weeks you were in our lives but how much your life impacted ours and will forever more.

So however we decide to spend the day on anniversaries, whether we speak your names to the world or quietly hide away, you need to know that not a day goes by where you don’t touch our lives and hearts.

So Kora and Ava on your two year anniversary and in the words of Neil…

I never had the chance to show you the love I had to give you both, but that love will always be there in my heart and I will never let it fade. You have been by each other’s side from the very first day and you will be forever more. Goodbye my angels – it’s time to fly.

Side Effects!

We have now been injecting buserelin for two weeks. The first round of IVF I had some side effects on this injection, mainly mood swings and hot flushes. I went into this round believing I knew what to expect and how to prepare for the hormonal changes. A kind of been there got the t-shirt type thing.

There are some differences in our lives compared with when we started our first round. For one we were away in York visiting family when we were injecting first time. Maybe we were excited and relaxed or possibly a little naive to the process.

This time round we are juggling full time jobs and a weekend job as like many, Covid19 hit us hard financially being self employed. We are working 7 days a week most weeks to build up our finances again.

We also have our foster daughter who arrived at our house at the start of lockdown. Our door and hearts were open for her following a trauma she had experienced, we embraced her when neither she or us were getting any support from authorities. When money had stopped coming into our house, when we found out that we were indeed pregnant again, we all found a way to get through with extra mouths to feed.

We had not anticipated being foster parents and going through a rigorous assessment (inclusive of hours on the phone and home visits) and a panel meeting in the next few weeks to be approved foster carers. We are doing this solely for her as right now it is not something Neil and I would have chosen to undertake for anyone else.

She has been a important part of my life since she was 12 and it goes without saying that not only will I be there for her but so will Neil. I am in awe of my husband who so easily opened his arms and embraced our now extended family. I am proud of Amy (step daughter) for how she too has welcomed Alissa.

When we started our first round it was a year and four months after losing our identical twin girls Kora and Ava. It was also four months after a biochemistry miscarriage. We were all too aware of the cruel realities of pregnancy loss.

I remember saying to the nurse in the clinic that we have cremated our children so nothing we encounter can be any worse than that. It was an optimistic viewpoint about the fact that we could handle a failed IVF round.

However in December 2019 before our OTD (official test day) I had heavy bleeding otherwise assumed to be my period. We were told we did not need to take a test to know that our round had failed!

Yet as time progressed into January 2020 I kept saying to Neil that I felt pregnant. We were about to embark on our second round of IVF. We were at the clinic to sign the paperwork, we had purchased the drugs for the round. Neil asked if I could take a pregnancy test before we signed as I kept saying I felt pregnant.

The overwhelming joy when we saw the positive pregnancy test is almost too difficult to describe. Could it be that one of the embryos had survived?! As you know this was my second twin pregnancy (heterotopic pregnancy) where one twin miscarried as the other was in my tube.

The overwhelming joy turned to distraught when we saw the little heartbeat of our baby laying and growing perfectly in my tube. I am so fortunate that Neil listened to me and requested that test as I was in fact 6 weeks 5 days pregnant and I could have died if my tube had ruptured. I had no signs or symptoms that the baby was in my tube.

We never anticipated at the start of our IVF journey that I would in fact be taken into hospital for an operation to remove my tube and the baby. IVF has resulted for us, in causing reduced chances of conceiving naturally (ironic but true).

We learnt that we are grateful to have delivered and held Kora and Ava and have their photos and the what little memories we have. This baby following IVF was just incinerated with my tube and probably lots of other people’s body parts.

A harsh reality again that there really are no guarantees in trying to conceive and even when you think you have experienced so much you are challenged again by a different kind of loss. A wake up call like no other that IVF does not only result in a negative or positive result and that no pregnancy is guaranteed to bring a live birth.

So with our reduced chances of conceiving naturally our hopes and optimism were once again shattered with the cancellation of our second attempt at starting our second round of IVF, when clinics were shut due to Covid.

To fall naturally again in April 2020 was unbelievable with such little chance at my age and now having one tube. If you read my blog often then you know already that unfortunately after seeing the babies heartbeat at 6 weeks and 1 day we once again at 8 weeks heard the words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”.

So maybe after having two pregnancies (three babies) in the year 2020 and now starting our third attempt at our second round of IVF we are indeed in a very different mindset and maybe this is why the side effects feel so different.

My last pregnancy I was full of anxiety. I was pregnant during a pandemic when we had hardly any work and very little salary. We were unsure what was happening in the world and because of the national scale of the pandemic medical resources were stretched. Of course a pregnant woman under 12 weeks was not a priority for the NHS regardless of the fact she had three previous pregnancy losses.

Recently my body was confirmed to be “text book ready” for IVF and both Neil and I felt mentally and emotionally stable to try again. It never ceases to amaze me how many times we have picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off (albeit changed by our experiences) ready to face whatever is coming next.

So it might surprise you when I say that this round of IVF is hitting me harder than the first round. I am not just having hot flushes and mood swings!

Right now I should probably come with a warning tag. You know like the ones you find on chemical products. Only my warning tag would read…caution extreme fatigue resulting in grumpiness and lack of patience, unknown mood swings so approach with caution, may burst into tears at any given moment and finally avoid touching stomach area if you don’t want to get punched in the face!

This was the 2nd injection – only another 36 to go!

I’m not sure if I’m finding it harder because of everything we have experienced and all that we are undertaking at present. I don’t know how I feel about this IVF round. Of course we both hope for a pregnancy and remain optimistic that there is no reason why it won’t happen.

We have more support this time from not only the IVF clinic who has put in extra precautions (lower implant and glue) and the NHS who have assured my that I won’t slip through any net regardless of what is happening in the world and they will monitor us carefully.

Yet I sit here writing this knowing that no matter what any of us do what will be, will be. I just hope that whatever the outcome is my husband doesn’t divorce me before then due to all the side effects and that we somehow we find the strength that is needed for either the one line or two line pregnancy test and whatever follows after that!

A Letter To Heaven,

Mum,

It’s been nearly six years since you passed away. In some ways it has seemed so much longer and in other ways I’m not sure where that time has gone.

In the time you have passed I have married the most wonderful man that I wish you had met. You would love him on the odd occasion when he adds alcohol and would have danced endlessly with you. I think you would just have loved him full stop for how kind he is to me and how much he loves me.

I also have a step daughter Amy and foster daughter Alissa that I know you would have embraced and loved. I think you would have fallen head over heels with my family. You would have loved spending time in our home especially with all the laughter.

For me what I find very difficult is the fact that on your death bed you said you had no regrets other than you wouldn’t get to hold your grandchildren. I wish so much that I could let you know that you have grandchildren both biological and non biological.

I can’t imagine your reaction when I would have told you that I was pregnant with identical twin girls. I’m so glad I got to tell my dad and caught it on video to treasure forever. I wish I had the pleasure of telling you.

We never expected that our fertility journey would be so heartbreaking. We were so lucky to have fallen pregnant naturally within the first month of trying.

Becoming pregnant made me full of questions for you that I just don’t know the answers to. I’ll never know if you had a miscarriage, or what your symptoms were when you were pregnant. I’ll never know what age you were when menopause hit you. I don’t know how you told your parents you were pregnant. I can’t remember how long your labours were but I do remember I was born within one hour.

I feel like there is so much I want to say to you and so much more I want to ask. I feel cheated that you died so young. I have never longed to talk to you more than I have now. I wonder what you would have thought about our pregnancies and IVF.

It makes me sad to think that if we are blessed to have babies that survive they will not have any biological grandmothers. I’m so glad that your sister will adopt them like a nan and I think this would make you very happy too. We are blessed to have biological grandads who we are sure will spoil them with love!

I wonder if you would be proud of us and how we have managed our losses. I wonder how many tears you would have shed with us. I’d love to show our photos of Kora and Ava to you and talk through the list of names for any babies that we might have. I would have loved to shop for baby things with you.

Ultimately I would have liked to have you by my side when we have been told there were no heartbeats. I wanted your reassurance before the operation to remove my tube and one of the twins in January this year. I wanted to cry my eyes out embraced in your arms when we were told again just 2 months ago that another of your grandchildren’s heart had stopped.

I guess no matter what our age if we were blessed with a loving mum then we always want them especially when things get tough. I know I am fortunate to have a loving relationship and some extremely special people in my life but my heart still longs for you. No amount of time has made this easier and it never will particularly now that I am a biological mum myself.

I know that as we progress I will only have more questions that won’t be answered. It’s a tough learning curve on my own but it is what it is. I will use my wonderful support network and hope that somehow I manage.

Love you to the moon and back mum.