They were dead inside!

I mentioned in another blog that I was 1 in 60,000 women that induction of labour didn’t work. I was in hospital for 10 days in total with my babies still in my womb. My bump was obviously there for all to see but it was only Neil and I that knew our babies were dead. I was not the blossoming, glowing pregnant woman that others may have been fooled into believing at first glance.

It was one of the hardest and surreal times and something we never expected or considered when I was pregnant. The professionals would advise us to go for walks around the hospital and it’s grounds to help the labour start. I remember being so fearful.

I was fearful that people would ask me about my pregnancy after all we are generally inquisitive people and like to engage and communicate with others (it’s in our nature). I was fearful of my reaction and their reaction if I had to answer a question such as how many weeks? I was worried someone would tell me I looked glowing when I was dying inside just like my girls had.

It meant that through this fear Neil and I spent almost 24/7 in the hospital room. Especially when the consultant put a balloon up my vagina to break my waters. I never knew this was a thing until then! It looked like a very unattractive attached garter (see below -don’t worry it’s only my leg in shot)! I was worried I’d be out walking with Neil and my waters would break around people. What to them would seem a joyous occasion would be for us the start of a very awful goodbye.

If you have read any of my blogs before you have probably already guessed that this of course did not work and my waters did not break as the professionals had hoped.

1 week and 2 days later on Saturday 18th August 2018 the hospital thought it would be a good idea for us to go home or be around family for a break from the hospital before they started to overdose me with yet more Prostaglandins (gel inserted into vagina to induce labour).

My brother and his wife had just moved into their new house and were having a housewarming party. I really needed some normality but was very anxious about being around people (especially if those people have no idea what it is like to be carrying and waiting to deliver your dead babies).

We decided to pop along for a few hours and my brother made sure he told everyone about the situation so we didn’t get any awkward congratulations!

We forgot though just how hard this can be on others and it was in fact my auntie (closest person I have to my mum) who kept mentioning our babies. My auntie has lost a son and understands fully the grief of a parent but I guess we didn’t think about her grief for our girls until that moment and the implications on her seeing us there looking pregnant. We had asked her to be a surrogate nan to Kora and Ava.

I think we were so overwhelmed in our grief and so exhausted from being in the hospital we didn’t really think what it was like for anyone else at the housewarming till we arrived. I can’t tell you how much I needed a large glass of wine (I, of course, sustained)! Needless to say we didn’t stay long.

We had visits from Amy (Neil’s daughter), Neil’s dad and his fiancée and 2 of my amazing friends. The pain in all of their eyes and hearts was so raw and obvious. When you are walking around with your dead babies inside it is so difficult to think about the impact on others around you. I remember Amy looked at my bump when she arrived and burst into tears then she kept looking at my bump with such sadness. I felt like I was letting so many people down.

The next day we delivered Kora and Ava. I had a fever from the overdose and was on an antibiotic drip. I had gas and air to deliver them but the pain I felt in my heart, nothing could touch. I delivered the girls in 2 hours 1 min (Kora 1 hour and then Ava 1 hour 1 minute) on Sunday 19th August 2018 exactly 10 days after the scan where we were told they had no heartbeats.

I hope that if I ever fall pregnant again we get to carry full term and deliver healthy happy babies (I feel I’m destined for twins). I hope we never have to walk around knowing our babies have no heartbeat. I hope we never have to look at smiling faces of people that assume our pregnancy is going to plan and that we are stupidly happy.

To all those that have experienced similar my heart truly goes out to you.