Pin Cushion

I have been to hospital three more times. We thought the miscarriage had come to an end but I had a sudden loss of considerable amount of blood following some abdominal pains. Unexplained and unexpected. I only bent over and that’s when it happened.

I am not asking for sympathy and I write about the detail because I hope that it helps other people in this situation. It is often mistaken that a woman miscarries and then that is it, they can bounce back and try again for their rainbow baby. The understanding around pregnancy loss and miscarriage from our experience is very low.

The isolation and loneliness is probably one of the hardest factors. At the moment this is impacted even more by Coronavirus. Even the support groups are impersonal as they have no choice but to use online options.

As talked about previously I am also showing as pregnant still (nearly 4 weeks on from taking the medical miscarriage medication). The bleeding wouldn’t be the start of a menstrual cycle due to the fact my body still believes it’s pregnant. To be honest I’m feeling a little let down. My hormones and emotions are all over the place as my body is playing games with me.

The hospital carried out vaginal swabs to check for infection, observations, a urine test and a two blood test (days apart) to check the pregnancy hormone. The urine test came back as negative for pregnancy and after the swabs I was sent on my way to await a phone call for the blood test results.

The doctor did state that their urine pregnancy tests are not the best. I was left feeling a little confused how a well known brand could say I am 2-3 weeks pregnant but another urine test could say I’m not pregnant.

Later that day the hospital rang and said the blood test showed my hcg level at 313. The hcg hormone should decrease rapidly after an early miscarriage. This is not to be mistaken with a later pregnancy loss where the hcg level can take up to 11 weeks to leave the body. This level shows the pregnancy hormone is still there.

The nurse stated that they want to carry out a repeat blood test to check the levels again and see if they are dropping. I feel like I live in the hospital at the moment and can’t help but feel this continuation does not help with my mental state of mind.

I also took another pregnancy test a few days later and it showed that I am 1-2 weeks pregnant. This was the first sign that the hcg level must be dropping. My second blood test showed the level to be 151. The level has to get to 25 or below for your body to recognise you are not pregnant and start to ovulate again.

It’s difficult and confusing to take pregnancy tests and see it state pregnant when you know you are not. It is also surreal to be wanting to see it say Not pregnant!

Neil and I also had our IVF consultation regarding my blood test the other day which they call a mini miscarriage test. I feel like a pin cushion with all these blood tests.

They are checking for a inflammatory disease that some women don’t know they have but can cause recurrent miscarriages. They are also checking if my blood clots and that causes me to miscarry.

I suspected and have always felt that what Neil and I have been through has been cruel acts of nature. That there is no reason for our losses other than it happened. This test would tell us if it is my body that is causing the losses.

The results of the test came back as negative. My blood is not the cause or reason and I do not have an undiagnosed inflammatory condition. On the whole I feel relieved to know that it is not my body letting us down. Our babies are healthy and we don’t have any underlying conditions that would cause miscarriage.

I’m trying to look on the positive side of these results knowing that there is absolutely no reason why Neil and I can not go on to have a living baby. We don’t know why we have been through what we have and there is no reason for our heartbreaking losses (other than our MCMA twins). There is hope for our future.

Now we just have to wait for my body to catch up and recognise that it is no longer pregnant. I guess for me this is the difficult part. The world carries on after you have announced your sad loss but people don’t always realise just how long it takes for the hormones to leave your body.

You feel pregnant but you are not. You feel emotional due to the hormones but there is no quiet smile on the inside because you are blissfully pregnant. You feel betrayed by your own body. Everything is screaming physically that you are pregnant yet your heart and mind know that you are not. Your world came shattering down when you heard those words “sorry there is no heartbeat”.

The best way I can describe it is you have been invited to the office party but everyone forgot to tell you it wasn’t fancy dress anymore. You are literally the clown in the office party but the joke is on you!

I have taken and had so many tests since we started trying to conceive. I have had so many scans, blood tests, injections, pregnancy tests and more! I never really anticipated just how many tests would be involved. Although all the tests are showing positive results I can’t help but feel like a failure still.

We have a plan in place. We will undertake our second round (again as it was cancelled due to Covid19). The doctor has recommended two embryos being transplanted IF they reach blastocyst. The NHS are going to scan every 2 weeks and monitor us IF we fall pregnant and I will be given 16 weeks of pessaries rather than 7-10 weeks.

Now we just need my body to stop thinking it’s pregnant so we can start our new plan. We will be kind to ourselves during this time and talk about our grief. We will look to a future with optimism and hope as there is no medical reason for us not to fall and carry successfully and as this helps us with our losses.