Two blueberries!

We are seven weeks pregnant today and our babies should be the size of a blueberry. It’s a strange concept because we are in fact seven weeks but how do we know that they are still growing?

The anxiety is horrendous. It’s all well and good for people to remind us to relax and not to worry but a parents job is usually full of worry from start to finish. I know stress is not good for the babies so I try very hard to relax and fill my time with easy, gentle tasks.

However I can not stop my mind from constantly thinking!!! Wether I am sleeping and dreaming, awake due to pregnancy insomnia or just thinking throughout the day.

I use google as my friend to reassure myself only to discover that this friend can also be my enemy as my eyes scan down the search page.

When I’m feeling sick I feel so content that this is a good sign that everything is ok. If I’m retching over the bin smell or Neil’s socks then I am assured that I am in fact still pregnant.

It’s when I don’t fell pregnant or the symptoms don’t seem as strong that I start to worry. I’m not sure if the symptoms are decreasing or if I am getting more accustomed to them. Maybe I have stopped noticing the strong sense of smell or the aching boobs.

We have also never had a clear sign that the pregnancy has ended other than my gut feeling confirmed by a scan. It’s why we have so much anxiety about the scans we are going to.

We have just under a week to wait for our next ultrasound but it feels like an eternity. I am so desperate to know that our babies have two heart flutters still. I don’t know how I would cope this time if it was to be taken away from us. It feels so unfair that this could happen again with no medical reason for it to.

I guess this is what Neil and I find so difficult. There is no reason for these babies not to grow and for us to walk out of hospital with them. Yet we have been here so many times with exactly no reason for this to happen but it has done exactly that!

I keep wanting to get to milestones. I am not enjoying pregnancy. I am not filled with joy and naivety that our pregnancy will bring us our two bundles of joy. I hate myself for not enjoying the pregnancy but I am too scared and want to try and help my self preservation.

Yet the truth is there is no self preservation as if we are told there are no heartbeats, it won’t be any easier because I’m secretly preparing myself for the worst!

So why can’t my mind let me enjoy these moments? Why can’t I get excited that our babies are now the size of blueberries? I usually film our pregnancy journey but I can’t bring myself to do it again for it to be memories that I can’t share with them!

It’s probably because we are so elated and blessed to have been told we are having twins again that my fear is unbearable. We have spoken and both feel that if this is taken away from us then we don’t think we will try again.

How much heartache can we both cope with? How many more babies heartbeats can we see only to look at the screen and hear I’m sorry there are no longer any heartbeats?

When we have no medical reason for this to happen then how do we tell ourselves this time might be different?

I have no signs of anything being wrong but then I never do. I usually just know because I stop feeling pregnant. During this pregnancy when I start to feel that way it’s like the babies know and give me a huge bout of nausea or a massive pang of hunger. Whatever sign or symptom it is, it is always gratefully received.

Neil keeps asking me if I feel pregnant or if I know something is wrong as he says I have been right every time. I can honestly say I have those moments but then something usually happens to make me feel everything is ok again.

The dog, Flick, has started crying at my feet, staring at me, clinging to me and jumping my leg constantly. I can’t remember when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava if Flick did this further along the pregnancy. It makes me want to do a pregnancy test to see if it still says 3 weeks plus. This way we will know that the hcg hormone hasn’t dropped indicating something is wrong.

Of course as we are pregnant with twins the level is probably quite high and we will be wasting our money on a test because it will probably show 3+ anyway due to the twin pregnancy.

If we are blessed to get to 8 weeks 4 days and on the ultrasound they still have heartbeats then the chances of pregnancy loss reduces to 1.6%. Of course we have been told that to keep both twins we need to get to 20 weeks and if they are both still growing then we should definitely leave with both of them.

I have said many a times there is no guarantees in pregnancy and no real safety point. I don’t have a crystal ball to see if I get that photograph and my dream of Neil walking out carrying two baby chairs.

I hope that my mind is a little kinder to me and that every milestone we get to successfully we get to relax a little and try and enjoy this pregnancy.

Unfortunately only time will tell. I just hope that we deserve this and that it is not taken away. I hope that we can be strong for each other and pick each other up when the other is struggling. I hope that we get our dream and that it doesn’t come crashing down. I hope that I don’t let anyone down and that my body doesn’t fail us.