Dare to Dream

We had another scan yesterday. We will be 10 weeks pregnant this Friday. For us this time has moved so slowly and has been filled with anxiety.

I was left feeling very emotional and couldn’t stop crying for hours. I had built my anxiety level to such a heightened state with fear that the IVF clinic would say different from the NHS.

So when the scan went perfectly and the confirmed two heartbeats still beating and stated that they can’t see any reason at this moment in time to concern them, my floodgates opened!

For me this was most definitely the first time I thought we might just bring these babies home. Of course we are not out of the woods yet. We know the fact that we could lose one twin up to 20 weeks however early scans show this to be unlikely.

We also know more than most that there is no guarantee in any pregnancy. We know that as we are having a multiple pregnancy this brings extra risks such as premature births. Finally we know personally people that have got to full term or as near to and have not walked out of the hospital with their baby.

Yet the scan has left me feeling hopeful. The reaction of the medical professionals when looking at our babies gives me faith that these two are coming home.

All week Neil and I had seen just one magpie everywhere. That feeling of impending doom was engulfing my heart even if I did still feel pregnant. My mind was telling me that I would still feel pregnant as it’s twins and the levels are higher regardless of whether their hearts were beating.

I can honestly say now that I’m done with magpies. Two weeks in a row we have seen one magpie at crucial timing and yet still had the best news.

This doesn’t mean our fear has completely disappeared but it does mean that I have started to google information about raising twins rather than percentages of pregnancy loss at this stage of pregnancy.

I already know the percentages but that doesn’t stop me googling every twinge or cramp and what it might mean, fearing the worst.

This is the second time now that a nurse has said to us that we need to try and relax now as all looks perfect at this point in time. I guess that’s exactly it…at this point in time!

When we reflect on our fertility journey and the amount of loses we have suffered, it is clear why we would hope for the best but fear the worst. When you have held your babies only for them to be put in a coffin and not come home, then anxiety and fear are only to natural.

Neil picks me up on my hesitancy or the time when I add hopefully to someone’s sweet statement. I guess I think I’m still protecting myself.

By keeping in the back of my mind that something might go wrong, that our babies might not come home doesn’t really protect me. How could it? I am already besotted and in love with these little cherries growing inside of me.

I secretly hold my tummy at night and smile from ear to ear knowing that they are in there. I have already imagined our life with the twins. I see Alissa (foster daughter) falling in love with them and Amy (Neil’s daughter) visiting so regularly because they have stolen her heart and she can’t get enough of them.

We are nesting and preparing. We are deciding the set up of the home and how we are going to manage. We are planning a future and it is one that includes the twins.

I’ve downloaded books and reading up on becoming a biological parent to babies! I’ve looked at practical help when dealing with two babies at once.

I’ve panicked and spoke to Neil about my fears of not knowing what to do with babies. I had a whole rant with both irrational and rational fears of what I will do when we do bring them home.

Neil smiled and kindly reminded me that no one knows what they are doing when they become a first time mum to living biological babies. He also reminded me that he is with me and that I am not alone.

These kind words reminded me that I am in fact a mother in the hardest most difficult way as we have angels! As a mum and dad we dealt and coped with this in an honourable way and we have in fact managed day to day with a grief that some can’t even begin to imagine.

What is clear is that we are daring to dream. We are believing that our dream will come true and we will walk out of that hospital with two babies! I will get that photo and it will be framed and on the wall!

That photo will tell so much more then what it shows. It will show our rainbows, it will be a nod of respect to all the babies we have lost and it will be the start of a new chapter regardless of whether we have a clue or not, what to do with two!