Anxiety 1 – us 0

A week ago we went for yet another reassurance scan. We were hoping we would make the four weeks till the 28th December but our new best friend anxiety took a hold again.

I was coping ok initially and feeling confident that I could go the four weeks. Neil however wasn’t coping. I think men are often forgotten when we talk about fertility and pregnancy loss. I have said this before and this pregnancy has been very hard on Neil.

Neil looks for very physical signs in my pregnancy but of course most of these signs are internal and not obvious at this stage of pregnancy. However as my tummy has clearly arrived, Neil started to measure it.

This was the mistake we made. My tummy was shrinking rather than growing and no matter how much I tried to reassure Neil that the babies could have moved position or my water retention may have decreased, nothing helped him to relax.

I even openly spoke about my bowel movements and how irregular they had become and that if I had managed to go this would surely make a difference in bloating etc.

It wasn’t just the measuring of my tummy that was weighing on his mind though. I am in the lower end of weight gain with twins and this physical sign weighed heavy on his mind. Again I tried to reassure him that I am in fact in the band of weight gain for twins, I’m just at the lower end.

The final nail in the coffin was the fact that I wasn’t really feeling any quickening. For those that aren’t aware quickening is the first signs of the babies moving. It feels like popcorn popping in your tummy, bubbles, butterflies or waves like when you go over a bump in the road really fast.

At nearly 17 weeks and 4 days I should have been feeling something. I was getting bubbles on my right side but I was unsure if this was trapped wind as it was down just the one side. Worryingly I was feeling noting on my left side.

Neil would ask me regularly if I was feeling anything as this was a physical sign that only I would feel. He was also using that fateful friend google to look at images of other women’s tummy at the same stage of pregnancy with twins. He would also research about the size of the tummy.

No matter how many times I spoke to him to add some logic and rationale to his thinking, it was clear that his anxiety would not be settled by anything other than a scan.

His anxiety also got the better of me. I started to doubt myself after all he is the one in our relationship that has a living, breathing child. He has gone through a pregnancy and a delivery of his beautiful girl Amy. What did I actually know about babies or pregnancy at this stage? Kora and Ava had passed already at this stage and we delivered them at just under 19 weeks pregnant.

I booked a scan! I was hoping that it would be a positive outcome and I wanted us to hear their heartbeats. We have only ever seen all our babies heartbeats, we have never heard any before. It was a milestone that could be so special for us.

The private scan was again very professional. When we entered the room full of anxiety the sonographer asked Neil and I if we wanted the screen on at first. Neil always asks for it to be off until she knows that their heartbeats are still there.

She tells us that it will take her a little time to get her bearing and look at both babies. We sit in silence, Neil with his head down to the floor and my eyes boring into the woman looking for any sign on her face.

She is quick to tell us that there are two heartbeats and switches on the screen. This still makes me burst into tears, that relief that they are still ok is overwhelming.

She checked their vitals and pointed out all the very important things that told her they are both very healthy and that as far as she can see at this moment in time there is no reason to believe that they are will not come home with us. She did however state that she understands that this will only give us reassurance for today after all we have been through.

Then she asked if we wanted to know their gender. Neil was very quick to say yes. It was another milestone for us as Kora and Ava had everything except their genitals so were sexed by their placenta.

The gender reveal was in itself a very special moment! Twin 2 that always moves and kicks twin 1 in the head was laying there with legs apart making it very easy for the professional to tell us that twin 2 is a girl. Twin 1 was a little more difficult to sex but after wiggling my tummy with the probe the professional asked if we could see what she could and stated that he is very proud! Twin 1 is a boy. One of each!

I personally didn’t mind what gender our babies were as long as I brought them home safe and healthy. However now we know, I couldn’t be happier that we have one of each.

The professional also explained that I am in fact feeling her but that the boys placenta is forward and acting like a cushion so I may not feel much from him. This was the reassurance we needed.

I thought that when I could feel them I would relax a little however I know that having twins makes it harder to distinguish the kicks and count them accurately. Luckily as it’s a multiple birth we will be seen regularly and I guess we have to learn to trust ourselves a little more.

For now everything looks perfect. We know that there is no guarantees and no safe point in a pregnancy but we have to stay positive and hope that each day brings us a little closer to bringing them home safe and well.