Comparison

Sometimes I feel like a lost child who still needs her mum and dad. I’m not sure if these feelings are valid and acceptable as an adult and a parent myself.

I’m not sure if it is because it’s approaching my own mums birthday and the milestone of seventy years old. It seems so unreal to think that she passed eight and a half years ago!

She died at such a young age and sometimes that loss and grief can be overwhelming. Sometimes when I doubt myself as a mum or worry about being the best I can be for Layla and Kayden, I just want that affirmation from my mum that my best is good enough today.

When I look into our babies beautiful little eyes, when they look back at me with such unconditional love, an ache hits my heart and fear rises as I wonder if good enough is good enough for these little people.

I know that we should never compare ourselves (especially to unrealistic tv shows or fake news articles) and I would definitely tell Layla and Kayden never to compare them with anyone else.

However, when your whole world becomes solely about the needs of your children and it can become very isolating. Your mind can wander and you can watch others and wonder if you are as good a mum as they are.

I wonder if our losses and my grief for those babies and my own mum make me a better person and mum or does it impact unfairly on our beautiful children.

Does this grief and loss make me a sad person inside with a fake smile? On difficult days and anniversaries can I hide the pain well enough and devote my attention to the ones in my arms?

When they grow up and look back on their childhood will they think it was happy and filled with love? Will they think of me as one of those amazing mums that is always there for them and always met their needs?

Will they knock on my door as adults and still find solace and comfort in my hugs and words? Will I be blessed (unlike my mum) to watch them grow and built their own families?

Will they know how hard I chastise myself if I slip from the therapeutic parent to that of a woman struggling to find her way?

Will they remember the times when I lost my cool and blurted out something that I really didn’t mean?

Will they remember the tears in my eyes as I hate myself for losing my way in that moment of time?

Does the world see me as a parent and an adult with all these doubts and fears? Is it normal to feel so loved and happy but at the same time so lost and isolated?

Is it normal to go to bed and wonder how much they laughed today and if I was a good mummy today?

I look back on my childhood and predominately it was a happy childhood. We had our struggles with food and money amongst other things.

However if my mum was alive today I think she would back me up when I repeat her words that she was not naturally maternal. She also changed significantly at my current age and as my parents relationship broke down my brother and I were forced to grow up a little faster.

My mum would say that at my age she was a little self centred and selfish. She wanted to live her life not parent us. She believed that at 16 years old we were old enough to understand and get on with life.

Then when my mum got her diagnosis of terminal cancer everything altered! She became the strongest, selfless and most determined mother and woman I have ever met!

She told me many times how she wished she had done things differently and how her only regret would be not seeing any grandchildren.

At those times my life hadn’t been impacted by the loss of our daughters and subsequent pregnancy losses. At that time we didn’t have Layla and Kayden. I never fully understood the enormity of the loss of babies and my own mum. I never fully understood the enormity of what my mum was facing herself.

I can only imagine my mum would have been the best grandmother. I wish I had the opportunity to say to her I understand that being a parent is the toughest job in the world. I can’t imagine looking into Layla and Kayden’s eyes knowing that one day imminently I won’t be here anymore!

All that being said I hope I parent differently from my mum and I hope I am much more maternal than she was but I also hope that I have the strength, determination and selflessness that she found later in life.

I hope that I take the best parts of both of my parents and that Layla and Kayden will have no doubt just how much we love them. I hope that I succeed at being the best mum at all times and stages in their lives.

I hope that I am not only good enough but that I am the very best I can possibly be every single day of their lives.