What might have been…

Most of you know what Neil and I went through to bring Layla and Kayden home. You are aware of our losses, miscarriages and IVF.

What you might not be too aware of is the anxiety I have suffered with after giving birth. Like most new parents I had the anxiety of keeping the babies alive, happy and healthy. I also had the awful intrusive thoughts about what if this happened or fear of them or me dying.

All of this is very normal for new parents however my health visitor felt that my anxiety was excessive due to the loss and trauma we had suffered and then the complex difficult birth of Layla and Kayden.

As time has progressed and Layla and Kayden have grown and developed I feel my anxiety has become more of a normal parenting level.

I no longer fear SIDS as much as I know they can roll and turn over. I know if they were having difficulty they would call out or alert me now. They are also two this month so the risk of this dramatically drops.

I still fear my death and leaving them in this world without their mum, however I fear more their death and how Neil and I would cope!

I have intrusive thoughts about car crashes and cling to the side of the car door in fear at times worried that the driver is just going to pull out or swerve into our car.

This fear nearly came a reality last week when Kayden and Layla were in the nursery with Neil. I was working but went upstairs to go to the toilet (something I never do when I’m working).

I heard Neil say “get it out of your mouth”. The next thing I heard was hard hits on one of the children’s back. Followed by panic shouting “he’s not breathing”.

I rushed into the nursery and took over hitting Kayden’s back. I kept going until he cried. Relief flooded into me. I said to Neil “if he is crying he can breath”!

The 20p he had put in his mouth must have dislodged in his throat but it was still in there. I picked Kayden up holding him against my shoulder and smacking his back.

He started to retch so I encouraged this and kept going. Neil ran downstairs to call an ambulance as we were worried that it would move again and block his airways.

At the point Neil got to the phone Kayden did one more retch and the 20p came back into his mouth. I fished it out and held him tight kissing him and cuddling him.

During this time I had kept calm (I’m not sure how) due to the fact Layla was next to me and watching. She was also saying ahh and trying to pat Kayden’s back. I didn’t want to make either of them panic although I could see fear in Kayden’s eyes.

It wasn’t until Neil left with them in the afternoon that I burst into tears. I had found the whole ordeal petrifying and it had played into my anxiety!

Suddenly all I could think about was what ifs! None of which had pleasant endings. I posted the experience on my Facebook in my usual light hearted way with the photo of them smothered in nappy rash cream, which they had done only 10 minutes before this!

The reality of the incident is that every fear has flashed before my eyes again. Those intrusive through us have entered my head again!

I have suffered with guilt when I look at his little back and see it black and blue from us hitting it. He won’t understand why we hit him so much and so hard, yet he still engulfs us with the most special cuddles and loves us unconditionally still!

Our job as their parents is to protect them and when I look at their tiny little faces I’m overwhelmed and consumed with fear and worry that we will let them down.

Our lives are complete now that they have been added to our family. I don’t even want to imagine what we would do without them. But that is just it…we nearly did!

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, being a parent is by far the hardest job I have ever experienced and yet it is also the most privileged position to be in.

I am not sure how to process my anxiety now or how I lessen the fear. What I do know is that it will probably decrease each day with when it is replaced by the joy, love and laughter that these two bring us everyday!

Photo of our beautiful babies just before the incident! This is the joy and laughter!