Spring in my step

Spring had always been about new beginnings. Daffodils and bluebells starting to show up, little lambs springing in the fields.

Spring has always been one of my most favourite times of the year. It resonates so much hope and new beginnings.

Kora and Ava gave me another reason to be hopeful. We couldn’t believe the line when we looked at it. We were pregnant in Spring harbouring our own new beginnings!

At that time we could never have imagined that we would hold you for a while and not bring you home. Not for one minute did we even contemplate that the only thing we would bring home was a memory box with some photos of you, a teddy, a book and some seeds.

Ironic that we should bring home seeds to plant and watch grow when this is exactly what was taken from us. The opportunity to watch you grow and develop was lost.

In previous years I have struggled at Spring time. Mainly because of their death but also the loss of my mum and her birthday near this time. It all felt a little raw.

This year however Layla and Kayden are two years of age! Their spring birthday was celebrated with family and friends and surrounded with love and laughter!

We have had the pleasure of taking them to farms and with their growing knowledge and understanding we have watched their excitement on their faces as they feed the baby lambs or tickle a goat!

Their little hands reaching for ours to walk to the next enclosure full of anticipation for whatever joys it will bring.

Grief never goes away and I don’t believe we heal. I think we grow stronger and learn how to manage in a world without our loved ones. We learn how to negotiate a world that can seem so unfair and unkind. A world that can cause devastating heartbreak.

A few days ago whilst driving in the car with my friend my eyes leaked lots of tears as she spoke about her plans for her mums 70th, something I never got to do with mine.

It’s nearly 9 years ago since I lost my mum and nearly 5 years since losing Kora and Ava. Nothing has healed this loss or pain and no one can ever replace them.

What I do know though is Layla and Kayden have given me a spring in my step again! They give me so many reasons to smile and laugh each day no matter how challenging being a parent can be, especially a twin parent.

They make every moment special and Spring has been a joy so far with them whether it’s playing in the sand pit or tirelessly sweeping up the sand that’s been trialled into the house!

Spring is now about little Sandy toes and salty kisses. It’s about embracing the moment we are living and living it for those that we have lost!