Imposter

Being a mum brings so many challenges that I never anticipated. I have not had a problem with being selfless and giving everything to my family but I do constantly struggle with my worth and value.

I have always struggled with this for many years in all areas whether it’s personal or professional.

I trained for over 8 years to be a sign language interpreter and even when I am complimented on my skills, ability and patience I often can’t see it myself. I also find fitting in with teams of interpreters terrifying. I always think I am not genuinely liked!

It doesn’t stop at this either I never look in a mirror and feel content with how I look. I can often change outfits three to four times in a day and would never leave the house without make up on.

I guess after being married previously and being told constantly that no one really likes you or that people don’t answer their phone to you because they don’t actually like you, you start to believe it.

So when people comment on others posts or write a beautiful birthday message to a mutual friend you wonder why you weren’t worth a few minutes of their time. It feeds the trauma mind and the cycle starts again.

I guess I have always felt like an imposter in so many circumstances and throughout so many aspects of my life.

However all of this is just circumstantial in comparison to being mum and the doubts that niggle away in my head everyday.

Our twins are coming up for three years old and I think every stage we have hit has been incredible and difficult.

Whether it’s newborn sleep deprivation or two years 10 months of interrupted sleep without a night of sleeping through!

Being a biological mum to babies we actually brought home has been life altering. It’s 3am in the morning and I woke just before they did. I lay in bed waiting for them to stir and wake.

I am now in bed with our little girl literally glued to me listening to her suck her tiny thumb while my husband went downstairs to sleep on the sofa with our son who insists on going downstairs!

This has been our routine for over six months now. We no longer share a bed and most nights my husband is downstairs by 11pm.

We don’t have a plan or a guide book and although we followed all the advice and guidance available nothing worked. I think most of the advice is for singletons and not twins.

As a biological mum I don’t know any different. I’ve only ever had twins but my husband has had a single baby before. I take affirmation from him when he tells me it’s a whole different ball game with multiples.

There are some magical, heart warming moments that I guess you only get with multiples. Moments where Layla will tell me the word Kayden is trying to say or Kayden will rub Layla’s back when she is sad and say ahhhh.

They will look at each other and tell each other they love one another or hold hands to cross the road safely. They will pick each other up (or try to) when one falls over.

These are the moments that melt my heart and possibly push my negative thoughts back when I think I must be doing something right if they act like that towards each other.

Then there are the moments when they physically kick each other or push one another and I reprimand them instantly for the behaviour we don’t want to see.

I wonder if this is being a three-anger or if it’s something I’ve done wrong in my parenting. I wonder if this happens with single toddlers or just multiples.

There are times where I am so exhausted with the daily battles of being nice to each other or the dog or the battle to even get dressed in the morning that my buttons are pressed and all my therapeutic parenting skills instantly evaporate.

I yell at my toddlers and become the adult that can’t regulate their emotions instead of the toddler who can’t regulate through development stages!

I look into their tear filled eyes and their squeaky voice saying sorry mumma pierces my heart! How have I become that person in that split second!

I was so blessed to bring them home and to be able to raise them everyday and I know there isn’t a guide book or a right answer, I just wish I had the confidence to believe that I’m doing an ok job at being mum!

I want to gain more self worth as I don’t want my children to grow up not knowing their own worth and value. I want them to be happy in life and I want them to be proud to call me mum.

I want them to see me as inspirational mum and to have more positive parenting skills to transfer to their own children (hopefully) then negative parenting that they omit.

I want them to be able to reflect on their childhood and adulthood and be able to say their lives were filled with love and laughter.

I want them to have no doubt about how much they were wanted and how much they are loved!

I want them to see that I am a hard working mum who is a professional but most importantly I want them to remember the times I took out to change a nappy or read a book to them.

I want them to know just how important they are how they changed my life in regard to priorities.

They are the reason I want to be a better human!

Their perception of me is far greater than anyone else’s! My self worth may need some work but my worth now has never been more validated than it is right now. For that I am truly grateful!

My world! My worth

Merry & Bright

There are always times of the year that are harder than others. Christmas is one of those times. It’s impacted by the fact it’s the due date of Kora and Ava (20th December).

It’s such a magical time of year but along with bringing joy it can bring so much sadness too! It’s hard to have a house full of love and laughter when there are little feet and special people missing from around the table!

This year has been one of the most magical times so far. Layla & Kayden are of an age where they understand much more. As a parent I am getting the opportunity to fill their Christmas with magical memories to hold onto forever.

I am starting my own new traditions such as North Pole snow with a letter from Santa. I’ve purchased the special plate to leave Santa and of course Rudolph a little treat on Christmas Eve something I never did as a child.

For the first time we decorated the tree with the help from Layla and Kayden. A poignant moment I’ve waited for, for such a long time.

Every morning we open the advent calendars and we explain how many more sleeps till Ho Ho (the name they call Santa).

We talk about Ho Ho coming and leaving a stocking at the end of the bed. Kayden asks for a train and explains to me that Ho Ho is up in the sky! Layla asks for a pink unicorn as these are her two most favourite things at the moment.

My heart is truly brimming with joy and love to have this opportunity to make Christmas so special for them! I am also overwhelmed with the content I feel having these two beautiful children in my life.

This doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache for Kora and Ava because it does! I feel conflicted at so many points when my head fills with thoughts of what Christmas and what it would be like with two identical five year olds.

Yet I have never felt so much privilege and joy to create these moments in time. I now understand when my dad says Christmas isn’t the same anymore.

His children are grown up and the magic is no longer there for him. I never really understood as Christmas was always magical to me even as an adult but now it’s a whole new magical experience!

The excitement and innocence of Layla & Kayden is beautiful to witness and I know that each year while they are still small it will become more and more magical as their understanding develops and the belief sets in.

So it is very hard to be somber and very emotionally conflicting as we approach the due date of Kora and Ava. It’s also difficult not having mum here as both her and dad tried so hard to make Christmas magical in their own way.

Yet, my heart is full and so incredibly happy! This year I will quietly toast to the ones that aren’t here but will revel and enjoy every single moment with the beautiful ones that are here!

Merry Christmas and I hope the season is kind to you.

Crawling under the duvet

One day last week I had been awake with the twins for about an hour before it was all too much and I literally removed myself by going upstairs and crawling under the duvet.

Just before this I had failed miserably as a good mum and had screamed at the twins whilst stating I wanted to punch their lights out!

Of course I wouldn’t ever hurt them hence why I removed myself from the situation. However, the fact that two most precious and wanted human beings who so innocently are navigating the world and their emotions can make my blood boil is hard to comprehend.

To be honest it wasn’t even them they were probably just the straw that broke the camels back! It’s not till I talk to others that I realise just how much Neil and I do on our own.

I work 80+ hours a week all based at home with my children in and out most of the day. However recently they are going through a stage where mama has to do everything and they don’t want to leave me.

This has been on going now for a few months and is very hard to navigate. Neil is not allowed to change nappies, change clothes, push the pushchair, get the food, or anything really!

I’ve come to realise that unlike others we have very little respite from our children. We don’t have our own mothers as they have both passed.

They don’t go to Nursery as being self employed parents the wage Neil would earn would be about £20 a day after tax, national insurance and nursery fees.

They are now at an age where they understand that I work. In fact Layla gets her toy laptop out and tells me to shhh because she is working!

I can’t tell you how many times I question if what we are doing is right for them! If Neil worked we would wouldn’t be guaranteed a regular income and it wouldn’t be what I can earn. Yet when they say to me Mama no work it breaks my heart!

We thought as I work from home and will be around all the time it might be easier on them and it would be nice for Neil as if he worked he just wouldn’t see them.

Yet, the guilt I feel is sometimes smothering! This time of year is always worse as I think about my mum a lot as the anniversary of her death approaches. It’s also baby loss awareness in October and that still shakes my whole world.

It’s difficult to know if it’s the overwhelming grieve that is making me feel less patient or if it’s this guilt that eats away at me every single minute of the day!

Maybe it’s the fact my battery is completely deflated right now and my energy levels are so low. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it.

I don’t know how many times lately I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call my mum! I doubt she would even say the right thing but she might make me laugh and laughter is good for the soul!

I sometimes feel I don’t have the right to complain when things are tough when we worked so hard to bring the two most beautiful humans in the world to our home!

Worst still I feel awful for shouting at these perfect tiny humans who don’t understand the stress of the world as an adult and why should they! I let that stress out and I hate that it affects the people it really shouldn’t!

I wept uncontrollably into the pillow feeling awful as a mum and very sorry for myself!

It’s on days like these that the grieve and guilt is all too consuming. It’s on days like these that I tell myself the stars shine a little brighter because you (Kora and Ava) shine so bright that we can see through the tough days!

You remind me just how much hope you gave us and just how truly lucky we are to have Layla and Kayden. I just hope I can be a little gentle on myself and remind myself that, Neil and I are human.

I also hope that I can improve as a mum and learn strategies to cope a little better when things are too stressful and overwhelming.

Layla & Kayden are so impressionable at the moment and I hope I teach them useful skills, I hope I teach them resilience, kindness and love. I hope that on the bad days I can be excused as a human being and a mother!

I hope that I can be a better person for them. I hope that one day when/if they are lucky enough to be parents they will take the best parts of my parenting and learn from the worst parts!

I’m so sorry for my bad days and I hope you can forgive me when you grow wiser to the world.

Time heals all wounds

Wednesday it is five years to the day that we were told your heart beats had stopped! I can’t quite believe it’s been five years! Sometimes it feels as raw today as it did that day and other days my mind doesn’t recall so much.

I always I remember that Neil and I had attended Goodwood (picture below). I was 16 weeks pregnant and on that day when conversation flowed about the twins and our pregnancy, I felt different.

My smell had decreased in sense and I wasn’t so hungry. I couldn’t feel the butterflies I had felt before in my stomach. This was my first pregnancy though and I naively thought nothing of it.

This weekend Neil and I attended Goodwood again for the first time in a few years. This year we took with us Layla and Kayden our beautiful twins!

I didn’t stop to think about Kora or Ava once. Instead my day was filled with love and laughter. On a day that was a complete wash out and would have usually left me feeling really deflated, I was actually uplifted.

Our beautiful twins literally danced in the rain and were full of life! They didn’t care how hard the rain fell or if the races were cancelled. They just lapped up every minute in their positive happy manner!

It wasn’t until the night after when Neil and I sat down to watch a series we had been watching that my mind was triggered. In this series they kept playing a song, Let it be, by The Beatles. It was the song we chose for Kora and Ava’s funeral.

Before I knew it tears were falling down my cheeks and I realised that I hadn’t thought about Kora and Ava at Goodwood. I had only thought about Layla and Kayden all day.

Today, I watched them play so sweetly together (this is not always the case) and I wondered if they were truly happy! I know most loved and nurtured two year olds are happy but are they truly happy. After being given the opportunity to be their mum am I doing it as well as they deserve.

The past five years have gone by so quickly and in particular the last two years of having Layla and Kayden. Everyday I sit and regret that maybe I didn’t kiss them enough or hug them enough. Maybe the moments are passing by too quickly and before I know it we will be taking them to school.

Tonight I took Layla up to her cot to stay with her till she feel asleep and as I sat on the floor beside her bed exhausted from a 10 hour day at work whilst also being mum (working from home) more tears escaped.

I sat and thought quietly how truly lucky I am to hold her little hand in mine every night. When she can’t fall asleep and she sits up in her bed and says “hug” so sweetly and I get to embrace her tightly till she is ready to try again!

To then come downstairs absolutely exhausted and wanting to eat dinner or at least stop my stomach from growling with hunger only to do it all over again with my little boy, to hold his hand and tickle him gently till he falls asleep laying perfectly in my curves, till his tiny body becomes heavy and his mouth drops open to catch flies.

They say that time heals all wounds and for a moment I thought that maybe that was true then I realised that is not the case at all. Sometimes our minds have to protect us, it’s a survival instinct. We can block out the cruelest most painful moments we suffer to carry on.

At the moments I least expect it and a whole five years on tears still roll down my cheeks. The ache in my heart is still as raw. The what ifs and I wonders still play around in my mind and at poignant moments!

The empty space in my heart is still there. It is not time that has healed it nor will it ever be time that heals. My mind might protect me at times but what really helps is of course the unconditional and pure love of Layla and Kayden.

They have taught me to open my mind and heart to what others may feel are insignificant, disappointing or unimportant moments. They fill our days with joy, genuine laughter and immeasurable love.

16 weeks pregnant Goodwood 2018
Goodwood 2023

We waited so long!

The journey Neil and I endured before we got to bring you home was heartbreaking, grief stricken and at times to devastating for words!

Layla & Kayden were our 5th pregnancy! They were the ones we got to bring home and finally proudly being able to put up that photo of their dadda holding them leaving the hospital in their car seats.

Fast forward to now and we have two, two year olds and what a ride it has now become! At times it’s a ride where we have wanted to scream with sheer terror! Other times we have rode along enjoying the twists and turns with a contentment that speaks volumes. At times we have wanted to get off the ride altogether!!

For me getting of the ride is more about slowing down time! My eyes keep prickling with tears as I watch our beautiful babies become developed toddlers.

Each day they surpass my expectations and surprise us with a new word or skill that they demonstrate so wonderfully. I am in awe of these little humans and can’t quite believe that we made them and got to bring them home.

Yet sometimes my heart pulsates with trepidation as I see the time flying by far too fast! My heart sinks a little when our little girl looks me in the eyes and says “self” as she takes control and does whatever tasks on her own!

Those once vulnerable bundles of joy are now amazingly talented, strong minded, well developed toddlers.

It is of course an absolute pleasure to be apart of their growing and maybe just maybe take some credit for this new found confidence and independence, yet my heart breaks a little inside too!

We waited so long to have this! In a flash the time has gone by and I dread the days coming too fast when we will be waving them off at the school gates!

So as much as it truly is an honour to parent them both and watch their development, I hope that on the difficult days when everything seems so hard and impossible i remember that it will all be gone too quickly and I should relish every single second!

Spring in my step

Spring had always been about new beginnings. Daffodils and bluebells starting to show up, little lambs springing in the fields.

Spring has always been one of my most favourite times of the year. It resonates so much hope and new beginnings.

Kora and Ava gave me another reason to be hopeful. We couldn’t believe the line when we looked at it. We were pregnant in Spring harbouring our own new beginnings!

At that time we could never have imagined that we would hold you for a while and not bring you home. Not for one minute did we even contemplate that the only thing we would bring home was a memory box with some photos of you, a teddy, a book and some seeds.

Ironic that we should bring home seeds to plant and watch grow when this is exactly what was taken from us. The opportunity to watch you grow and develop was lost.

In previous years I have struggled at Spring time. Mainly because of their death but also the loss of my mum and her birthday near this time. It all felt a little raw.

This year however Layla and Kayden are two years of age! Their spring birthday was celebrated with family and friends and surrounded with love and laughter!

We have had the pleasure of taking them to farms and with their growing knowledge and understanding we have watched their excitement on their faces as they feed the baby lambs or tickle a goat!

Their little hands reaching for ours to walk to the next enclosure full of anticipation for whatever joys it will bring.

Grief never goes away and I don’t believe we heal. I think we grow stronger and learn how to manage in a world without our loved ones. We learn how to negotiate a world that can seem so unfair and unkind. A world that can cause devastating heartbreak.

A few days ago whilst driving in the car with my friend my eyes leaked lots of tears as she spoke about her plans for her mums 70th, something I never got to do with mine.

It’s nearly 9 years ago since I lost my mum and nearly 5 years since losing Kora and Ava. Nothing has healed this loss or pain and no one can ever replace them.

What I do know though is Layla and Kayden have given me a spring in my step again! They give me so many reasons to smile and laugh each day no matter how challenging being a parent can be, especially a twin parent.

They make every moment special and Spring has been a joy so far with them whether it’s playing in the sand pit or tirelessly sweeping up the sand that’s been trialled into the house!

Spring is now about little Sandy toes and salty kisses. It’s about embracing the moment we are living and living it for those that we have lost!

What might have been…

Most of you know what Neil and I went through to bring Layla and Kayden home. You are aware of our losses, miscarriages and IVF.

What you might not be too aware of is the anxiety I have suffered with after giving birth. Like most new parents I had the anxiety of keeping the babies alive, happy and healthy. I also had the awful intrusive thoughts about what if this happened or fear of them or me dying.

All of this is very normal for new parents however my health visitor felt that my anxiety was excessive due to the loss and trauma we had suffered and then the complex difficult birth of Layla and Kayden.

As time has progressed and Layla and Kayden have grown and developed I feel my anxiety has become more of a normal parenting level.

I no longer fear SIDS as much as I know they can roll and turn over. I know if they were having difficulty they would call out or alert me now. They are also two this month so the risk of this dramatically drops.

I still fear my death and leaving them in this world without their mum, however I fear more their death and how Neil and I would cope!

I have intrusive thoughts about car crashes and cling to the side of the car door in fear at times worried that the driver is just going to pull out or swerve into our car.

This fear nearly came a reality last week when Kayden and Layla were in the nursery with Neil. I was working but went upstairs to go to the toilet (something I never do when I’m working).

I heard Neil say “get it out of your mouth”. The next thing I heard was hard hits on one of the children’s back. Followed by panic shouting “he’s not breathing”.

I rushed into the nursery and took over hitting Kayden’s back. I kept going until he cried. Relief flooded into me. I said to Neil “if he is crying he can breath”!

The 20p he had put in his mouth must have dislodged in his throat but it was still in there. I picked Kayden up holding him against my shoulder and smacking his back.

He started to retch so I encouraged this and kept going. Neil ran downstairs to call an ambulance as we were worried that it would move again and block his airways.

At the point Neil got to the phone Kayden did one more retch and the 20p came back into his mouth. I fished it out and held him tight kissing him and cuddling him.

During this time I had kept calm (I’m not sure how) due to the fact Layla was next to me and watching. She was also saying ahh and trying to pat Kayden’s back. I didn’t want to make either of them panic although I could see fear in Kayden’s eyes.

It wasn’t until Neil left with them in the afternoon that I burst into tears. I had found the whole ordeal petrifying and it had played into my anxiety!

Suddenly all I could think about was what ifs! None of which had pleasant endings. I posted the experience on my Facebook in my usual light hearted way with the photo of them smothered in nappy rash cream, which they had done only 10 minutes before this!

The reality of the incident is that every fear has flashed before my eyes again. Those intrusive through us have entered my head again!

I have suffered with guilt when I look at his little back and see it black and blue from us hitting it. He won’t understand why we hit him so much and so hard, yet he still engulfs us with the most special cuddles and loves us unconditionally still!

Our job as their parents is to protect them and when I look at their tiny little faces I’m overwhelmed and consumed with fear and worry that we will let them down.

Our lives are complete now that they have been added to our family. I don’t even want to imagine what we would do without them. But that is just it…we nearly did!

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, being a parent is by far the hardest job I have ever experienced and yet it is also the most privileged position to be in.

I am not sure how to process my anxiety now or how I lessen the fear. What I do know is that it will probably decrease each day with when it is replaced by the joy, love and laughter that these two bring us everyday!

Photo of our beautiful babies just before the incident! This is the joy and laughter!

Nappy Rash Cream

Mothering Sunday

It’s that time of year again when Mother’s Day is fast approaching! A day that I have often found challenging for one reason or another.

When my own mum passed away it was a day I struggled with because my love for her never died but the joy of celebrating that day did! I was always so envious of those that got to spend the day with their mum and embrace that relationship.

I would often spend the day drinking and dancing. Trying my best to mark the day in a way that resembled my mum’s personality and wishes.

When I became a foster parent and a step mum it was a day I found difficult for another reason. Loving someone who isn’t biologically related to you is something special and unique. It’s a choice to have those people in your life!

I knew my title was not always mum but I knew that our relationship was one of a kind with the clear role of parenting. However as relationships broke down or people moved on (often in upsetting circumstances) it was a reminder that being mum is the toughest job in the world.

It was a realisation that sometimes no matter how much you wanted to fill someone’s boots or provide a safe and loving home it was not always going to go to plan and that often lead to heartbreak.

Then came along Kora and Ava. Our identical twin girls who changed everything about the person I had been! Being their mum and holding them in our hands only for a while was both an honour and soul destroying.

I had now done what most of the world perceived as being mum! I had delivered my own biological children yet I didn’t bring them home. Instead I stood with my husband and my beautiful step daughter and looked at the tiniest white coffin.

We had to say goodbye. We had to carry on in the world when we felt everything had come crashing down. The world carried on and we struggled on. The pain was like something we had never experienced before.

We suffered more losses and had trouble conceiving quickly again. I don’t know how many pregnancy tests we took where we looked at a negative result. It took a year to conceive again.

We undertook IVF a enduring process and our first attempt failed resulting in fertility issues we didn’t have previously.

It’s been a difficult and emotional time to get to our 5th pregnancy where we were blessed to bring Layla and Kayden home.

Mothers Day now is completely changed for me. I have so many mixed emotions on the day and often don’t know whether to laugh or cry or just do both.

What I do know is that I truly am the most blessed mother in the world to have those little humans engulf me with hugs and kisses.

To watch them grow and develop into wonderful little humans with strength and personality is the best gift I could have ever received.

I can’t count how many times I hear mumma in one day but I will never tire of hearing that special word come out of your tiny mouths.

I will be forever grateful to Kora and Ava for giving us hope. I am even more grateful to share a love like never before with two adorable and perfect children.

Thank you Layla and Kayden for being you! Thank you coming into our world and changing me to be a better person.

We love you more than there are stars in the sky. X

Footprints

We are going on holiday soon and I’m so excited to take some time off and have some real quality family time together.

I feel so privileged to be able to build these moments and memories with Layla & Kayden. It really is what dreams are made of to look back in the sand and see their little footprints!

Everyday I’m honoured to experience something new and exciting with them as they grow and develop. It’s exciting, thrilling, challenging and exhausting. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My heartstrings are still pulled when thoughts of Kora and Ava run through my mind. They would be five this year! They would have been starting school.

Neil and I didn’t really tell anyone but recently we fell pregnant for the sixth time and miscarried at 5-6 weeks.

We didn’t really know we were pregnant until a few days before we miscarried. It was a shock to say the least at my age with our chances of falling pregnant. However there was that pink line staring us in the face!

I expected to lose as the line was faint and I just didn’t feel right however it never stops you planning and talking about it though. There is always the hope of life.

It’s strange as this miscarriage I just reflected on how truly blessed I am to have our beautiful twins here in our arms and we just hugged them a little tighter and cherished the love returned! That’s not to say that I didn’t shed tears for the loss.

All the thoughts, tears, laughter and worry goes back to the start to our Kora and Ava. They gave us hope! They are the reason we persevered! They make us appreciate and love even harder then humanly possible our Layla & Kayden!

Every loss we have suffered before and after our twins has given us something whether it’s determination, resilience, hope or support from each other.

My heart sings when they clasp my hand to take me to a toy. There is not a feeling in the world quite like the innocent love of your child. The joy to watch them grow and develop and the pure love when you get those wet kisses and hugs!

So Kora and Ava, we not be able to make memories with you and we may never see your footprints in the sand but they are permanently etched into our hearts.

The most wonderful time of the year!

Today it is the due date of Kora and Ava. They would have been 4 years old. It was to be a c section as it was the highest risk pregnancy. However at 5 months pregnant i delivered them naturally but dead.

Having a due date on top of Christmas and grieving a mum who was mad about Christmas can sometimes make this time of year not so wonderful.

Lots of people struggle at this time of year and it’s not always the best time for all but in fact can be a very difficult time to endure.

I have been a little teary recently with overwhelming grief. A little because of Kora and Ava and the what ifs and I wonders but mostly because I think about what my mum is missing with Layla and Kayden.

Grieving Kora and Ava has changed so much since bringing Layla and Kayden home. I don’t have so much time to write as I did before but that doesn’t mean they aren’t in my thoughts everyday.

This year Layla & Kayden have more understanding of Christmas. They both say lights and point at all the fairy lights. If you ask them what Santa does the both place their hands on their belly and Kayden attempts to ho ho ho.

It has made this run up to Christmas so much more special. The excitement, the new experiences, the learning and development. It’s been truly magical to be a part of that. It is most definitely the MOST wonderful time of the year.

But my heart still aches for everything my mum is missing out on and everything I am missing out on with Kora and Ava.

It is my mum that is pulling at heart strings more than anything though as I am the luckiest woman in the world to have Layla and Kayden.

They bring laughter and joy to everyday and are so very special. Words can’t describe how grateful I am to get to experience Christmas with these two.

I know my mum would have been here all the time and would have been like a kid at Christmas herself.

It’s a strange and difficult time of year at times this year with the due date and missing my mum but with the joy of the twins.

I don’t think I’ve ever known such mixed emotions over Christmas. One minute I’m laughing at the crazy two the next I’m wiping a tear from my eye with the if onlys.

All I know for sure is that losing Kora and Ava and my mum has made me appreciate these two crazy, happy and beautiful children more than ever!

They make my heart dance and give me more than I believe I could ever give them. They are the reason I breath. They are the magic in my Christmas and the wonder in this time of year.